Real Pretentious and Megalomaniacal, I guess

It is 8:53 a.m. and I have finished my chores for today. I started drinking red wine about 20 or 30 minutes ago. I want to get drunk in the next hour. I am listening to Strangers to Ourselves again. I shuffled the album. It played Be Brave first and now it's playing Strangers to Ourselves. I was listening to Give a Glimpse of What Yer Not, but I do not like it very much. I want to like it, because Aaron said he likes it a lot. I like being able to understand all of the lyrics of songs. I like The Ground Walks with Time in a Box. Maybe because we are both stupid. If I were better at life, I would not like this song and I would like Dinosaur Jr. more, maybe.


I am horny.

I took a walk a dawn again. Mom worried. I told her I just walked slowly. She said she won't worry about me when I take walks anymore.

I took my penis out on Cutting Horse. I covered it with the end of my shirt. It got erect.

I was running in our backyard moving dead branches a little bit ago. I pulled my shorts down to expose my penis, and I ran around some more. I acted very silly. I was just buzzed on coffee and my life I guess.

I want to read about Isaac Brock's brother Ansel. It sounds sad. I started reading an article about Brock a few months ago.

I like Wakin on a Pretty Day. The line, I guess he wanted to kill himself.

It is so silly. I want to battle my mental pain today. I should think in silence with my eyes closed.

I want to try to meditate, or something. I want to type my plan for my near future. I guess this is a start. I keep thinking about porn. I keep thinking about Annar. I think I should visit the staff at Cepeda, because they all know that I came back from Canada weeks ago. I am too ashamed to try to talk to them or listen to their questions or comments.

I am ashamed to not visit them. I think that they are probably offended that I do not want to visit them.

I have violent thoughts about people. I have looked at women's faces and imagined facefucking them. I have seen people and thought, I am going to murder them. I imagined shooting a hole through my head with a bullet and a pistol.

I thought about walking to the closest gas station, buying a bottle of wine, taking it home, drinking all of it, and getting sick on it, so I can't think of anything else.

All of that sounds so stupid.

It is all so stupid.

Is it really stupid to type all of this on the Internet ?

I like doing this.

It seems helpful to me...

French is funny {:

A Catherine Deneuve movie is playing on the TV muted,

I looked at her topless online a little bit ago. I also looked at Julie Delpy naked. Mom and I watched a bit of a documentary interviewing people about Richard Linklater. It is a bit cringe-inducing at times.


Bit is a nice word. It is simple. I am simple. I woke up at 3 a.m. and stayed up. I exercised again. I thought about walking on the beach at dawn next week. I love it. I do care. I want to cum inside of a nice, 20 year old, mature, independent woman.



I want to write a fun story that makes people who read it feel good.



I want to never hate myself again. I want to always do better.



I am tired. I'm at about 40 or 30 percent energy.


You seem special.

I do not like disliking things.

I do not understand why some things are good and some things are bad.

There are rules to Reality.

Is that true?

Is any of this or me worth anything?

What is a part of me and what is not?


I wish I would read......

I wonder why
it is so difficult
to try to understand
what someone means to me
by words that they give me.

I get so tired of words.

I have to give them up sometimes.

I have to focus on images and sounds and feelings and events and Other People.

They give me perfect relief and happiness.



I think listening to music is almost always better than not listening to music. Good music is like life.


Drums and guitar and a voice sings in English.

"Don't worry be happy" "I keep telling myself"

I love relaxing more than almost anything, I guess.

I love calm and clear.

It is TV on the Radio.


I do not trust my judgments at all sometimes.


I need to do something productive or I might hate myself and everything else soon.

I wonder if getting drunk is a bad idea.

I want to watch BBC news or something like that.

I love British and Australian and Irish and Scottish accents. And Dutch and German accents. And Scandinavian accents. And Canadian accents. And some American accents. And African accents. And Asian accents. Hmmm.... that seems to be everything except Hispanic and Native American. I like those too sometimes.



What can I do that would be the best use of my time and energy?



Aaron makes me sad and angry sometimes.


I make myself sad and angry sometimes.


Sometimes I make myself so happy and love myself so much that I make myself cry.


I composed a poem while driving in Bastrop yesterday afternoon, and I gave myself goosebumps.

I love Spoon. I love Booooooom.com

I love Louie and other comedians.

I love Life.

I love Kids in the Hall.

I don't want to hurt myself

or anyone.



I am only afraid of not caring

enough to do something that ruins my life or someone else's


... I'll be okay

OKay?

We are dying

Obviously


I like tUnE-yArDs a lot.

She is real pretentious.

It's wonderful.

We do not care.