GOD,

Stacy called a few minutes before I needed to leave for our appointment. She has car trouble. She is very nice.

There is nothing today. I thought I would see Pat yesterday. I like it more this way. I watch too much 30 Rock I'm sure. I love it a lot. It stopped making me laugh, and now it makes me really happy.

You - Gold Panda

Ambient. A girl called Candice and I could talk. A man named Cornelius and I made a connection. Things became real.

Well, I just saw Stacy anyway. She called about 15 minutes before our appt. I got there just in time.

It was semi-useful to talk to her... I felt a little rushed and in-genuine. I wasn't always sure what I was saying. I fell into an old pattern of speech.

I am so afraid of wasting time time now now. Repeating the dumb past.

I have to do something to change things. Change myself. I shaved my face...

I am listening to Jorge Regula... SOmething slowly sweetly beautiful incomprehensible.

True laughter. Lilting voice. Unstoppable smile. Where is she? What the heck am I doing? Why am I sitting like this? Why am I typing this?

I should eat some eggs I think I want to see Mom real bad. I thought of going to Bastrop, familiar, safe... unchallenging, masturbation, self-pity, filth, laziness to the extreme... FUNK!

Pixies! Oh lordy, I am who I was, I shall be who I shall be. Music, talking. I miss Chad. I feel obligated to Ashley. We need to turn our past time together into something useful that helps us to become who we really are.

Single Frame, SO DAMN ALONE! I am NOT INSANE. I should call Mom. I know I am desperate.

I am twenty four and almost another half a year... I need to have something real and solid when I am 25. That is the official cutoff for adults.

I have to figure things out. I hate ads so much. I mute them on Spotify.

Have to try so hard. Have to care so hard. Not about anything, but about the things I actually care about, which I won't automatically know.

There is everything left to try. Stupid words. I have been careless far too long.

All these songs are about time. We cannot comprehend it...

It's more important to think of it as life that must be lived. Live has a specific definition. Living is very different for every person.

Jesus was born again yesterday. I know how he was resurrected. SImple Math Solution really. I write it on the stone wall... All the kind white people wearing scarves and boots walk by it and glance at it, ewait, double takje... Buh, boo, I seen it all... Dun, For Now, We can kill off that species...

How do I make this?

Can we even understand?

I am not myself. I want pizza and ice cream. I want to orgasm and ejaculate so that my genitals fly off and I never see or feel them again.

I want to bite the ground. I want to be so sure that it makes me cry from purity of thought.

Empty. I used to be even better. I am beginning to believe in truth.

So Jesus God Farming Painfull P A N E F U L L Pee ee why ay why en eff ell ell ... Bust. Boom. I have to say. I have to cry... I am a lone god. I wish I were flying in the sky above the magnificent calm infinite Earth.......

Not a choice. I am being myself, mom. Be me too. I want this easineessssss

My hands are my life

I have to choose

choose life

you said it first

are you flirting with me

you want to eat a cheesy hamburger

actions take words

actions take an initiator

Where did it all come from

what is all of this

what is anything

question

i felt so strange

this is me

I have a name

I am in this body, in this time and space... whatever that means to whatever is not in time and space

Just        wow


OK

moving on