Stuff Like This

Conflict of feeling a tickle in my penis and wanting to be perfect. I have a job. It is too far away in this traffic town. I will pay for my own rent. I may need more money for car repairs. I want to cut off my penis. Or just erase it or something. I want to swallow all the pretty girls in the world. I was pooping a little bit ago and my tummy was very strained with worrisome pain. I thought of how painful starving must be. I wonder if people in pain for a long time get used to it. In that New Yorker article, that Frenchman said, pain is always new to the sufferer. I am listening to Lou Reed's Transformer, because he is dead now. His voice is nice. If we have choices during life, do we have choices during death? Does it make sense that our afterlives are determined by our life choices? We are dead for much longer than we are alive. Do our options expand after death? Life choices seem quite limited. If we are not bound by life, if our souls are eternal, we should have many more options after death. Maybe I am thinking wishfully. I am afraid that my bad choices during life will define me eternally. I want things to get easier and better after death. I want my life choices not to matter. Then I cannot make bad choices and have nothing to fear, so this life will be easier. Easy is bad, maybe. Good is difficult. Good is the goal. Not really a goal, not an end. A constant process. Coffee burn. Taste smell blinding pain, Posture, Perfect Posture. I learn from Aaron and from everything. How to grasp God. How to see the good as worth all the bad and all the difficult. How to see the easy as not worth all the bad that comes later. How to realize that at this moment it is necessary to work toward better existing for eternity. Eternity is not a moment, not singular, but an endless flow of opportunities for perfection. As I stand here and now I can only prepare for eternity. I can only exist on the surface of eternity. Every moment is flowing into eternity. Every moment is saved in eternity. I am creating eternity, or I am adding to it. Nothing can be reversed, undone. I am responsible for the perfection of my contribution. I am always contributing no matter what. I have to be known, and I have to know. Perfect means done through, as in complete. If I waste time or do the wrong thing, then I am contributing emptiness. If I allow this to happen, if everyone does, then eternity will become hollow and all is for nothing. The purpose of being is to be perfect, to make eternity complete. I do not mean to say that without humans all is empty and has no purpose. But it is purely hypothetical, because humans or other sentient beings are inevitable. If humans die out, then we will have made part of eternity empty. Eternity can never be completely empty. Good is always possible. I guess I must agree that a universe that does not know itself is a lesser universe. Because beings able to know the universe will always come around, and if they ignore their wonder or kill themselves, then eternity is not getting closer to perfect, which is all it wants to do. It will never be perfect, but always getting better is better than being perfect. Eternity wants to be perfect because getting worse will only lead to nothingness, which is the worst. I cannot claim to know the perspective of eternity.

So Tim, Chelsea, and I might play Elder Sign tonight. I wonder if they"ll get food for me. I have to be the opposite of pain. I have to be a healer. There are many ways to heal. Heal physical pain, medically or through prevention, preventing hunger and food related disease. Heal mental pain, helping people to know what is it right and good. Help people to know themselves and the universe.

Stuff like this. Good-bye, my love.