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Poems

I just read [I started typing this two days ago.] "As kingfishers catch fire" a few times. I tried a few different ways and speeds. I let myself be distracted way too much, but I got a bit better. I really love it. I read another one I love: "It was a hard thing".


I have not made complete sense of this line: "Deals out that being indoors each one dwells".


A few days ago, I googled Meghan, looked at her face a bit more, then I read a couple pages of her paper,

Empirical Exercise: The Dynamics of Knowing .

I kind of tried to do that exercise too with Towards Self Meaning. I failed pretty hard and gave up.

I like her writing. It is strange and fun feeling that I kind of know her. And she is so Awesome.

I hope she and I meet in the next couple of months! Are you still concerned that she might prefer me? ;P

... two days later:

I want to get this out the way first:    I keep thinking about Suicide. Of course I do not want to die or to kill myself or hurt myself... but I am curious. The Pain is just baffling.

It sucks I have only slept about 3 or 4 hours at night, three out of the last four,  including last night. I compulsively surf the internet, a lot of Youtube and music. 

I journaled a little. I wrote and edited some poems too, which is me at my best I think.

I have weird energies. I'm sure you know the feeling. Kind of a drunkenness. 

I'm too fucking horny. I haven't watched porn or jacked off for about a week I guess. I'm still intent on avoiding porn and frequent masturbation.  Still, I have been watching or listening to ASMR videos, and sometimes they turn me on intensely.

Sorry I forgot to send this last night. I carpooled to work with Mom and then she agreed to babysit Sofie, so I went too. Maybe two hours or more wasted, but I most likely would have wasted them at home too. Optimism!

FUCK! I am so sorry that I fed you bullshit about why I stopped pursuing Jada. I felt wrong doing it, but I guess it was too painfully shameful to admit that, Yes, I am intimidated, and I don't want to try for fear of failing. I want to call her today. That makes me happy. I resign to try. It will be easy to move on if she and I get nowhere. Any outcome will be better than not trying and wondering about her and what we could have done for eternity. Scary! Hah {: 

Nothing from Anna. She has probably lost her chance with me. It is a probably a bigger loss for her, since I believe you when you say I'm awesome. 

I am sad that I have not heard from the five WWOOF hosts I emailed. I need to send more immediately. 

God... will it... I just wonder what makes it so hard; I wonder what pain is and why

I hope you and I meet again asap. Sorry for anything and everything. 

I Eagley await our communion.

I love you so much AAron! Bye for now. May God be with You!

- Greg