I Canada-magine Why - old phone memos (two or more lines empty means new memo)

If I got plastic surgery I would get my penis removed, replace my nipples ... and put a nipple on each testicle over the scrotum of course, and a nose job and a joker smile.


We feel the same as
origami nightflights
submissive prowlers
eggshell faces
moonlife spectacles.
Reality is a piece of cheese.
Reality is
a piece of cheese.
Reality.
Piece of cheese.
The meat
behind the bone.
The meat behind the bone.
Broken skin
shattered shell
a Red apple fell
a Bottomless Well


I hold up a book, "With this bow and arrow I shall stop time forever." The end.
falling thru a Cadillac of confession.
License plates spell the name of 1234567.
Roadways of tired bones lay restfully on hot tar saltflats
Spinning thru a dustwind town, severed music in graveyard tincan telephones.
Sticky seats bloated dreams, alabaster porcelain hogwash, baby beater
sacrilegious Homo sapiens out today, making way for new decay.
apple laws positive axle base reinforcement
divided sun cooks us evenly.


Safely end the summer with a box of funny chocolates. Summer is the simplest season. It's just 'go, go, go, and sleep when the breeze comes.'


I think i need a new heart cover by me with voice a combo of billie holiday and yoda, slow crappy jazz horns light percussion. Pizza nachturn


Summertime sun moonburn. I steal your sunburn. Everytime i see you, what do yu du? I go to bed. - It's difficult to sleep with a red back and sore front. All of my illustrated love is washed away when the storm comes. I know you're a racist badger with the heart of a severed lion. My expedition failed, but my right arm just got hired... Doo dooo doo rah rah ha hey hoo ha.


How clean it is I'm not dan akroyd. How to go on the field trip daddy. How far down? This is all we are. We are so alone. Splenda Brenda takes the sugar away.... Spell slug. I'm going to snowboard around the world in 360 days



It's my youngest birthday since ever before
I spilled some Wichita onto the floor
I Kansas it around with my pinky toe
Let's see what we love when we let our love show

Sunny day burns the biggest hole in the fox
A week full of Anchorage sleeps inside of a box
If there's time then Alaska, but the study shows none
A bat in a cage flies the winning homerun

A suitcase full of dreams and a pocket full of dough
It sounds like money, I meant it literally though
A wave breaks thru electric Ottawa's eye
.... I Canada-magine why ....



Apex listen ghost afterward lifelike pleasant feather notes passing iffy lasting

If you were in this, I'd say rip open our Saturday.
Instead of headstones and cemeteries, let's say tombstones and graveyards.
No matter what we cannot hide the truth.
We all die soon.

Itis the begining of christmas even of my 26th year.  I am shivering half becuz i am cold, and half beccause i am too excitedcc to sleep. i am in the business center at the arts at turlte creek where i live.. i canot type wright because iam excitedc. i ghuess i am excitecd by my christmas gifrts, or one inpartics. Tim 's . I decided to write little comic books for everyone, exceptpat so\ince i got him an engrish shirt- grandpa fucming spacedhutttle. I felt bad for gettinig no one else anything, so just today, the 23rd i decidedd to make the comis\cs.I started mom's as i got my salmon dinner ready, I drank a glass of bailety's substitute. I feel pretty weird doing this, espaciaally with all the bad typos.

I am also thingking og the things I need to do tomorrow. Like go to wheatsville for fruit salad stuff, becuae i want to make it myself, being doing my best effort feel great and i am sure others will appreciate becaouse i really care about all the others, and theyre lives will be better if they feel that I am doing well, doing my best for others and myself.

I made kit and lorena a combined comic. I am going to make pat a little k\joke one (theyre all jokes really, but sincere heartfelt jokes ) it is going to say technical difficulties, and that he has to wait. I am sure I ordered his shirt too late. My White elephant gift is not come yet. I hope i can get it tomorrow. When I ordered it said it was the last day to get deliveries forchristmas... So whatever, I have no problem, giving people things after christmas, I dont know what to do for aaron... write him/ draw him something i guess.. that seems to be my best idea.

I made a rough a rough draft of tim's comic. the title is based on the book he got, the girl who circumnavigated fairyland  ... hmm fairyland is a recognised word.. I am really proud of my ideas for his little story, I feeel he will love it, it featues chelsea too and sophie, so how could they not love it.
I want to show him the rought draft too.

I wish I ware better at drawing... or that I had more time. i will have to get up early like 8 am to do all the stuff. I want to go to mom's before we leave for jans. So that after jans we can just go back to her house... and I can help her take stuff and get ready before jans. I feel so motivated again to be awesome, like john effing green and dumb shit like stuff yeah, lorde, bombs...

Me again. Ego Wry. That may be my new blog,, my alter name ego. like Gr-EGO-(w)RY plus WR(edberg) you know, it's so dumb.. I lovey ou...

I am or was slightly obsessed with Mycherrycrush pornlady and asmr sort of... I jacked off to her a couple times, last night and this morning... I like her face and i watch a little of her yutube videos, she seems allright. I feel like never jacking off again tho.

I have to get this out: One of my last days at Southeast library couple week ago, there was a hippie couple, younger than me by maybe five years. They were all bubbly like Peter Beck all bohemian and fill with wonder and ecstatic joy and weird shamelessness. The guy was tall skinny long blonde hair. She was something. His jeans or pants kept slipping down and I saw his buttcrack and was displeased, mostly because there were kids arounds but i got over it, he pulled them up once in a bit. Then they were w\checking out books, and after talking to him a bit about picking wild muc\shrooms and making candy with them... waiting for Luis to check out the books, I saw that his pants were sagging and his bushy pubic hair was showing to us. it was a couple inches of the stuff. must have been less than that distance to his junk/genitals... I was so embarrassed, but i tried not to show it, but i must have looked shocked because i was.  but no one said anyhting, i looked away, trying not to be too obvious. ... Wow this is a lot


It is god damn christmas, it's been alomost 30 minuters, I am going back to bed, now. Good God dam Bye, Y'all beautiful gods.

I saw a thousand birds
I saw a cuckoo clock rainbow

I met a young novel
He was an ecstasy Roman


If we were to care

Thank you for your pragmatism.

Big Star Society

I didn't feel.

Popcorn Rosebeetle

Darby Rosebud

I guess he is your life partner.
How gay are you two?
How is the S.E. double hockey sex?


It feels good to be alone. I am totally alone.


My plan is to make you feel as stupid as I can.
My plan is to make you feel as stupid as you can.
My plan is to make you feel as stupid as you are.


HANNA.................... disney faggots

young Natalie Portman


One of my biggest regrets in life is going to see Your Highness.

Also not being closer to my father before he died.


Yes, we are going to church.

Yes, she is naked.

The US supreme court tried her for falsifying documents, 150 years ago in Peru.
She blamed her lovechild on her five year old daughter. She claimed it on her taxes as a miracle.
By lying in her diary, it's true.

You know what we could be sad about...
You are what we could be sad about...

He turned on the wet vacuum just in time.
The karate studio was blazing hot.
Outside mothers formed a winding line.
The kids were creeping in the coffee pot.

Children's Stories

boldly unsure

sustained urgency

Mario Quantifiably

well you're kinda hard to see



You blow my mind so far out of whack

I have to live faster than my mind to get myself back


What might happen if I do not live well...

What happens when a train come...


I want to make bets with people at Thanksgiving on how many more Thanksgivings we will live to see. We will all die. Most of us are pretty unhealthy, I more than most.


Donut Gone


A Call a God

Be that you want

Steve Lemonbeard

Purple Wineshed

Wire Plenty


That water that just makes you what


[:  Go  being  better  than  I was  not.



This life reminds me of Mrs. Doubtfire or Jumanji or something I do not know.

I Don't Know Why I Don't Know What to Do

9:30 car alarm.
Just die and be saved.

I just want to be a computer with you.
Bliss is the perfect desktop background.

Despite your practically constant egregious failures, you still have angry dogs running over grass, strong wooden fence posts, tall skinny palm trees, and the asphalt street.

My hands are sad.

Dear Dad, you"re dead.

I've made peace with your lies.

Let's try to make up a life that serves the ones we leave behind.

Afterflow.

Nobody teams go the to your urethra you free dear.

Human lollipop. Notch your availing Hubble team just figures three fourths silver gleam 22 afterglow 4 quarters and seven teeters kilter jubilation nova scheme blue white 43 seconds to print the development of after Asian frog vestigial organs laughing afloat on an immaculate reflective alabaster table top. Scent in time rememory decider record a choice good solid derive truth safe.

11/9/14

Brighter's Lock

I have bloody heard of it.

Hope misunderstands me.

I kill sure wish hope will hope for tits on my head.

Off the tip of my tip of my head tip tip of my healthy tongue tonguing.

I slobber devil beards off my tippy taste and I feel hope in her goblet top.


It is kewt kissing her tippy top head loaf, burning yeast fire free of lice.


I kan't kiss her tulip pissing lovely tips of lickers and possum tips, no money, shrugs.

Shovels in my beard hole. Raping my constitutionally protected bare teeth with earth.


Serious, multi-phase editing process.

I just can't get life in prison without trying too hard.


Ugh ! What a relief, what a fuggun releef.


Green and oozing and fun and losing.


I think I came out of my mother.
I don't want to come,
I just want to be a good brother
to every person conceived.

SHOT,ham, second seconds

your body is a tofu magnet

your dream is a blurred out fruitcake


softer cheese files in your accordion

hock your honey batter in your squishy jumpsuit


you jump into a sumo bidding war

lightning cola blinds your mother's memory


rabid fires ravish moonlit Snickers in your outhouse

soulful green goes plopping on a winding trail to your
pond of treats


I say the same thing. You fit a bucket of sherry in your

sack of pouch then listen to frog rhythms in your
cage of horror


Blue Glen, she sits and stares at oxygen filters typing

time sentences onto yellow brains, gross pain and forest
of your foreign forgetfulness

That's This

Real gorgeous fictitious

Land's Cape

Sea's Hell

Pa's Sport

Friend's Hip

Sand's Tone

Super's Tar

Tail's Pin

Pin's Tripe

One's Elf

Air's Pace

Moon's Truck

Snake's Kin

Joy's Tick

Sharp's Hooter

Snow's Hovel

Rain's Pout

Bugs Pray

Horse's Hoe

I have to give Pirate Nanny a nose grave.

This toilet has gotten tinier, or have I become a larger version of myself?

If you think of my body as a universe, then I am an infinite giant.

The world of Zion hath many foul tempers
Many blue balls
None as frightening as Ellie Kemper's

Shy greenlit Sunday night cheering woo
Corn taco shells get hard
There is no safe innocence to compare us to

Happiness is too good for me
Lucky potty hole sharing
Boiling soil and the lost shady tree



Throw your ass away

I'm not givin' you a lip to cry on


It's a perfect trap. I am liquid. I float on air. I grieve for the daylight. On top of the height, I feed the creatures that clean my feet constantly.


I flake off while I am stuck to the tree where he finds me and tickles me until I excrete and weep until dark comes and I fall asleep.


He built the wooden cage like a champion of the wild. I slap his hand like a friendly colleague.

that is the end,

the end

Queen of Kingland

I live alone in a castle on a hill. Outside is cold and empty. I am the queen of kingland.

Three slick lines. Three slick squares.

Shadowy blood hair slicked back on a luminescent opal dome.

Simple brain sailing through sludge picking apart rooster crows turning filth into love

Full hand, marbles flowing, full schedule,
apartment groans and hums with reclaimed sleep and sun

Her retold life fits exactly in my distorted mouth

Eye nerve soaks up the radiation of excited atoms, the distance of time is complete

I am having a party.

I fill the prescriptions for a having a fun day.

I gather the bodies and organize the ideas of sensible activities.

I prioritize the good feelings and hide all the fear.

I praise and worship the fake perfected who I will myself to believe in once I will them to exist.

Young pale women talk and words bounce back and forth.
Growth inside of growth inside of shriveling

Bright redness birthsays, engorged cavity, slick organ system, pulsing viceral expulsion

Blaah!

That is my business. I convince that the opposite taste is the best that no money can buy.

Part of Us

I'm so hungree to bee a part of aneething.

I want to bee outside on a feeld beetween some trees.

I can see four miles in each direction into the past and into the future.

All the work is done. The soil is tilled. We are complacent and ecstatic even though we should have done everything differently. We are perfect and we know it. Our skin is clean and cool and clear and white.

The wind blows on us at two miles per hours.

Our tummies contain the perfect amount and composition of food. We are intensely satisfied. We each have a lover of the opposite sex.

We all want children and have no doubts that we will care for them perfectly and they will be as perfect as we.

We harvest radishes. We are the center of everything.

We wear denim and plaid flannel. We could be models but we are too cool and too proud.

We have no souls, but we are the soul of everywhere we are and all that we do.

We never have to try. This life is a first rate film about us.

We built this country. We built the Indians. We built the coasts and the mountains and the shining sky and everything between.

We invented humor. We never laugh. Our calm heroic expressions never change.

We are always standing outside. We eat delicious healthy macaroni and cheese in our spotless farmhouse and that image makes you cry.

The community named every street, park, public building, and bus stop bench after us.

This is not some mystical metaphor. Not an aging homely horny hermit.


We spy on our pathetic minions throughout the expanses with a godly caring golden eye.


Do you think we are going to be okay?

It's Boggle and a Process

WOOKIEES WON'T DROWN ME.

Seeven sheets will confound me.


Why do we have so many nightmares, staring us in the face?
We talk out of our buttholes. It is not even real shit.


... we're on the road to nowhere ...


The box will come back to surprise and delete you.


supprise   and   deleet   u


Just cram the seat in posh lapse. Up sell the greet of shop slam. Is Nam a slop eraser? Coop newish ache tag along. List ermine troupe a balmy ripe.

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Opening my eyelids, you search yourself for sympathy and examine the misfits in the foreground of your thoughts. Drunk retards dash near the zone for hour-long parking where zero cars are parked. Seeing this, you untie my tourniquet and with it lash one of them just hard enough to draw blood from his cheek. Your sister stands in his way, grabs his shoulder, stops him, and kisses the cheek. Nobody but you sees this. You decide you need to go after the maniacs vanish into other people's problems. Now that honesty is unnecessary, you say, "I need you now." Someone behind you startles you, but he's just staring, not listening. You drag my body into the gutter. The stranger continues to stare and smokes a cigarette. You wipe your hands and, looking through yourself at nothing, say, "What do you want?" The stranger looks at me and I say nothing. He exhales and smoke envelopes your head. You don't breathe. You stare at my closed mouth and hear the stranger say, "I thought I would be older by now."



I shot the hanging mass of meat with a taser. My team wass far less experienced than the others. We sneaked a flask full of mead into the event to make life more interesting. We knew didn't have a shot at winning anyway. The spirit of competition is way tamer than I expected. One of my teammates could not handle the wine. He had a wild mane of dry-dead-leaf hair and a worn-out, unpredictable face. We tried to ween him off the sauce, but he kept snatching it and began to shout about pandas dying off or invading the U.S. and other inebriated fantasies. Two officers from the group with most experience caught him and tossed his floppy body out into the snow. I followed the shouted curses out into the night. The seniors barked at us to go home. After they slammed the stark heavy dull metal door, I felt the alcohol warp my mood significantly for the first time that evening. I reviewed my circumstance from the outside and found it laughable, in both a comical and depressingly pathetic way. The over-drunk outcast, Seth, was face down on the curb. I lifted him by his shoulders. The weeds under his face were half-thawed. I sensed that this episode of each of our lives was about to end. I wrapped his arm around my neck to help him walk. We trekked over a swath of frozen white parking lot. We had almost two miles to go. The threat of the cold was real and immense but we were too high to care or make a better judgement. In the yard of the trailer Seth was renting, we tripped over a pile of old fishing nets and squirmed around for a minute. Laying on the frosty ground, in my frustrated concentration on getting us untangled, my view was of a trailer wall of graffiti tags. Unconsciously I tried to decipher them. This moment seemed to last forever. I lost all my bearings. Somehow I found myself inside Seth's trailer, turning up the heat. I slumped his limp fully dressed body onto a couch, his head on the top of a back cushion his feet on the hard carpet. and threw a quilt over his torso and face. I ran hot kitchen tap water over my numb hands. My skin was stinging as the feeling came back. I bent over the sink and doused my face. I seemed to be waking up from a long weird day. Fatigue crashed down on me. I almost collapsed right there but instead found the strength to stumble the ten feet to the bed, kick my boots off, shed my coat and fall back onto mattress.
I woke up right away, mid-morning. I realized I had fallen asleep immediately last night. I thought that time is barreling full speed through me. Then my skull exploded. All I could do... was... sh-shut my... eyestightly! andsay-fuckstopit.Stp-stopit.!ow!
Seth was standing at the stove scrambling shitty eggs, softly whistling. He heard me and peeked into the room... "Good fucking morning, beautiful fucking angel. Ha ha ha ha!"

Made-Up Dream

I sat in the back at work, my head felt very heavy. Chris and Leah walked in and seemed to be in a hurry or worried. I was not thinking about anything, except what are they doing. They lifted boxes and books and put them down in other places. I felt myself stand up, wanting to avoid them and wanting to seem like I wanted to help them. My joints were stiff, I moved slowly and the others moved quickly and talked nonsense quickly and firmly. I picked up a scanner and scanned some books and looked at a monitor and had no idea why. I looked out the window and trees were swaying intensely in the wind. The sky was grey. My skin felt hot on patches and cold on others. My shoes felt like they were falling off. I was hunched over. I felt an overwhelming urge to leave. Susie sort of shouted something to someone or everyone. I had the taste of a pastrami sandwich in my mouth suddenly and had a vomity tickle in my throat. I walked to the other side of the room then to the back door and back. It seemed I was seeing everything around me but not with my eyes. I picked up objects with my hands and put them back down onto a surface, making a little clacking slapping sound. I crouched down and looked under the round desk and found a bowl of hot soup on a tiny shelf and picked it up and the high heat on my hands made my butt hurt and sweat. I spilled the hot red tomatoey runny soup on my shoes half by accident and looked up and saw a hole under the desk at the back of the shelf. It seemed to be my only way out. It was maybe six inches wide. I put my hands thru and half my arms fit then I felt I was being sucked in and pushed thru. My feet floated up spookily. I was scared. I fell thru the dark hole. I saw blue streaks surrounding me disappearing into the distance. My arms and legs grew ten times their size. My torso felt so small. My head was all that seemed mine still. I saw steam or smoke billow in my eyes. There were bright green flashes, like cameras. I felt like I was in a jungle on an alien planet, but I was not. My legs were moving independently, trying to walk, but I was floating and going nowhere. My arms were flapping and I saw thru some clouds that I was miles above earth. I could not see much of anything except cloud. It was like fog in the sky. I knew I was falling. I felt wind blowing up on my face. I pulled some sticky unwrapped chewy granola bars out my my hoody pocket. I was wearing nothing on my lower half. My arms and legs were their normal size and mine. I saw radio towers get closer and appear taller as I fast approached the earth. It was a grey day. I thought of Mom watching a British TV mystery at home on Saturday. I thought of the Austin American Statesman and how I never want to read it again. I thought of a birthday cake getting stale on the dining table at home. My body felt more like air by the second. I was flattening into a sheet one atom thick. I thought of splashing into water and being a kid. I heard some music that was pretty good. Just before I reached the ground I worried that I would crush everyone under me. When I hit I just became a piece of everything my atoms touched. I did not have a consciousness anymore, I was just a bunch of matter, free to be exchanged for anything and go wherever physical forces pushed me.

Then night came, the clouds cleared, the moon shone and a me-piece of a blade of suburban lawn grass was eaten by a tiny shiny black bug.

Creativity

In the Tinseltown parking lot after Gone Girl, I cannonball eight feet above my mother's Corolla. I pause in the air. The back windshield shatters hard. I reverse and follow my arc back to the ground land on my feet and replay the scene jumping into eight feet into a cannonball shape then rewinding. The windshield keeps shattering. A voice over yelps loudly repeatedly in a staccato pattern.

A small blue capped hourglass on the dining room table steadily pours white sand into the bottom half and sand never accumulates, and the top stays half full and never loses any sand.

It was... 1999. Our dad brought mini-doughnuts and chocolate milk to the hotel room. Now we know we were happier than we could have realized at the time.

In 1963 he turned 18. It was a perfect time to die in Vietnam.
Now nothing has changed, we still scrabble across the lawn pouring orange juice on our brain.
When we get to the edge we turn around and go back home again.

There are no rules. All my friends.

September becomes August which becomes September then August again and back and forth forever. Time is the slowest thing possible.

Today is the biggest letdown of my young career.

Those german Basterds know what is in my blood and what my soul will do as it needs most what is all and all.

Sess

Green electric cop shirt skitters over the weedy watery black street. Air-blooded male man scoops it with his fork arm and shoves it through an open 2nd floor window of a 2 dollar hotel. Horey still sleeps humanly, her eyes not blinking. She taps her horizontal feet onto the friar trail of siren flickers.
Barking homeless Dane feels the lack of feed inside his pink jelly bags systematically engorge and entropically deflate as six souls scarred eye a blast of vibrant sunset vital ribbons and sheaths.

Slobad is a nonety waste

Purk

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Es ist mi favvorita melodia melatonin bReaking race

Ease, Wake Walk

I'd like to thank God for all these raw materials that we turned into all these automobiles,
that take us from where we sleep to where we eat and speak,
Long lost family
Choosing wine over bread
Choosing Be over Do Not Be

Sometimes people barely sleep all night.

It's almost midnight, I am sleepy.

But, I don't know who he is...

Here she is, what else can I say about ASMR.... asleep, please

Another, The Other

Korean God Supplemental Insurance

The Other Place Will Be The Other Place Is As Was It

See

Fear

Fire

Laste

A Scar

Part

Every

Sign

Singer

Past

Aster

Is Pet

Ever

Seg

Weg

Noon Baritone

Sometime  SOon

Good.

The most unknown physical sense tortures us. We sense that the sense exists but its cause and effect are mysterious and irreconcilable by our other senses.

Eyes Are Wide as I Try to Hide in a Tide Pool

One wearing two eye patches.

The silhouette is more true than the light or its obstruction.

The contrast is in the border. Borderless, indistinct, irreplaceable, undeniable.

I studied a fly, a horse fly. A fly's eyes. Red many sided dome. Globe. Unprocessed variable light waves.

Reactionary, non-judgmental.

Dreab, Drabe, Drad,

Sligs of sape, slak aks ers

Yesterday

8:10

Zoe Cefalo, Deep Debt

Yesterday happened before today.

I wish I had anything to say.

Get out of my Friend's Car!

You're not a water Gypsy!

This is the last thing we need to do.

I am going to spell it o-u-t for you.

Sylvester please.

I wanna farm bananas in east Australia.
South Australia is the end of the world.

Tuesday night, after Pat and Bridgett went to the weight room, I ate a very raw steak and got naked. I looked out my window, naked, chewing and tearing sirloin. I felt it was good for me. 

I don't know why, but the next day I felt sick at work and went home early. It was a weird week.

I love to sleep in tomorrow. I love to have Monday off. I'm not big on family dinner. 

I was watching idiotic youtube. I turned it off, so I would read. I put on jazz. I wanted something the silence could enjoy.

Cling

Cling to human beauty
She makes me want to sing

Wanting a better feeling
Math of God

.


Pop culture, Friend Zone

Is draining.  I am drain

Part of my body was still asleep but I could not tell which. I walked crookedly. I felt permanently damaged.

And the rest.

Kefir, Eggs, Olive oil, Cheez Roll, Chocolate doughnut


I hope I am not building myself an intricate Hell to hide in.


I got to stop thinking about suicide and murder.


Mindless distraction. I was so shaky and tense at the start of my shift yesterday.


This need for space. I saw trailers for 24 Exposures and Tiptoes. What is Men?


Get happy, shopping, fast food, car, music, clothes, TTTTTVVVVV... Inter inter inter inter inter inter net.


Mom came to my work. It was weird. Simple, easy staff meeting... Gone Forever.  What am I doing...


I have to think well....


Have to finish the story... Do not get blocked. Reader's Block.


Tim Tomorrow. Pat and Pat... 90% fear of moral responsibility... Paralysis... Thick constantears... Thumbelina... Twice. Nice


I have to start and outline A Wild Fish... Consuming animals, being animals, being aware.


I have to shower now, brb

I had to stop Friend Zone and listen to Cowboy Dan.

Pat, Bridge and I watched Creature Comforts America after going to Target and Double Daves.

I wonder if Aaron will like Cowboy Dan. I am going to email it and a song I made up and typed.

He texted me about Meghan, which I am glad about.


Here from last night, sing:

Your lips assume more than your eyes
When I wish upon a star, all the people who you are
Wish someone would save us from the seat
The best defeat is compromise


I am eternally grateful for my active memory... I wanted to ask Mom if she remembers something, but I can't remember what...

I try, I do

It is

I commented twice on a NorthSouthWhispers video by Jordan... I am afraid to say/type how pretty I think she is, because she is 16...

I just don't understand... completely... 2 Weeks by Grizzly Bears... Everyone here,,, New York, Toronto, just like NY but without all the stuff. -Gavin Valoure. I was listening to Bossypants, audiobook that I got for free thru the library... Saturday I masturbated in the employee restroom at a library, which I never thought I would do... I am such a stranger. I went to late Guardians of the Galaxy with Kit and Lorena and they talked about how great Schlitterbahn is. Then Kit and I played tons of N64 games at his house and I slept a little while and my legs sweated on the sheets until I took off the comforter.

I listened to ASMRRequests read Thumbelina and I cried when the sparrow took her to the white marble palace. Thumbelina cried a lot... I don't know if it has any morals... I think it's just beautiful.

I'll go email Aaron now... It's enough.

Later bob...

OLLA

Patrick and Bridgett left and Adam went to get blood again.

I ate Birthday Cake Oreos and milk.

Things seemed more sacred and important, more weighty and beautiful.

I connected with their talk of fear and appreciation.

Eve put on music and danced and I noticed her shoulders pushed forward and I pushed mine back and felt masculine and I wanted to have sex with Eve. She looked conquerable. They danced and I enjoyed watching and thought of context and human nature.

Second viewing: About a week later..

I am quite attracted to Eve. Ava is more physically appealing, but she's gross. I was really sad when they kicked her out, because their misunderstanding and inability to connect and make Ava a better person seemed hopeless.


The vampires call other people zombies because they act mindlessly. Being an animal is part of being human. The only animal part of vampires is their need for blood. Plants also have physical form.

With endless life, they are free to love fully and honestly. The zombies are not really alive. The vampires are lovers of the best things.

Im more of a [Stacks] girl myself" ?

We dont know shit about fungi, even though life couldnt exist without it.

it's always a bit weird with family

diamond the size of a planet that emits the sound of gigantic gong

I love that; I found it on Youtube... - Of course you did.

That certainly was visual.

Beautiful couple on the plane to Tangiers. Blue blouse, beard, ponytail. Square jaws.

- I'm so glad they go to Tangiers together.

Fear of their own imagination

Music of drinking blood, heightens senses, drinking Kefir, goosebumps.

Bottomlessly somber. Absurdly playful.

Fuck, Kit! (Fuck it!) "Look what the cat dragged in" Shakespeare?

I want to love only the most awesome things... It's practically painful...

I want to know what the words that woman singing in Tangiers mean.

It sounds like English, "I'll be happy, Marlowe." Or morrow..

She seems quite attractive. She's way too good to be famous? Fame comes with being misunderstood and people wasting resources on mindless unworthy adoration, false idolatry.. or something

This is probably the best:

How can you have lived for so long and still not get it?
This self-obsession is a waste of living.
It could be spent on surviving things, appreciating nature,
nurturing kindness and friendship, and dancing! 


Have I told you about Sparrows Dance? Or have you heard o' it. It seems similar. I saw it at the Austin FIld Fest a few years ago. It's on Youtube.com

I always wait until it's too late
to do the right thing,
then I blame it on the clock.

Is this how it's always been? (High note)
I can pretend we are friends. (Low note)

Appreciation

Please play Balderdash with me and then let's die.

Let's Play Science


..................


Never what you think it is... OK?


Exhaustion

BUHHHHHH LOGGER!

Are you Halloween or are you a holiday?
Are you listening to what no one will say?

I am singing to you and sitting on a toilet peeing.
You are a cat and your back is black and you've got a lot of dandruff.

You are a motion picture!

This is Rock and Rock is God.

Inter-ference

Between Among, I am exactly accurate.

To bring to carry to suffer to endure

Hey. Don't write yourself off yet.

Yummy yummy yummy poop.

I like my sex.

Dumb enuff to be born... alive... survive... A lock o' pips.


Have I really been doing this? Life just flys by... At least it's moving somewhere.


I at least might someday try for anything.


Jesus, Just Yes Perfect... Latin... Perfect Human Latin Babies... Sure


Blowing your soul into a trumpet blasting Enormoose Blinding Deafening Crushing Galactic Earth.


Native American Name for the Land We Live upon... Food... Life... Empathy... Imperfection... Affection... Apathy... Integrity.... Apples.... Yesterday.... Love.... Christ.... Lose.... Pooop... Feet.... Afterword.... Eternity.... On the Course.... Suitable.... Limits..... Cross..... Bear.... Look.... Listen..... Possible...... [..... Gift..... Practical...... Abundance..... Human..... Acceleration...... Affluence....... Pizza...... Chums...... Oh Kay

Bye, Water.



Not a life. Not a life. Not a Life.

Not a Liver.

Just Coming Thru and Passing Out

And wanting more and getting more

Joy and Fear

I'm listening to Wild Tigers I Have Known by Emily Jane White. I am very serious. I just ejaculated a few minutes ago. I watched horrible idiotic videos. At one point, I thought, I wish I were not wasting this time. I thought of wonderful things just online that I could be looking at instead. What is the world? The USA came from English colonies 400 years ago. The song is over. (: Lil' Cap'n Travis...

I wanted to listen to Let It Be, but the Beatles' music is not available on Spotify, but  I could just listen some other way I think.

Now a weird live version of Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood is playing.

Haa.... The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth makes me feel 17. Driving to work or some other weird time and activity... It was weird at the time, and now it is something weird that a completely different person than me did.

Rain in Bastrop County. Shiny roads. Grassy smells, tall shaking pines. Mom with friends, Brothers in Austin, Friends all are strangers. I am stranger. I am all ways trying too hard to do the thing that turns out to be the wrong thing to do. I cannot imagine any other life but imagine other lives is all I do.

Sinking and floating and laughing and crying all at once.

I am so confused about what I feel, what I am, when I am... All Questions... Forever, There she is, Drops of Sweet Liquid.

360 degrees, slower than time, lower than light. Pushing Hard Forward on a Circle that Takes Me Back Around to the Same Life I Am Always Living

Always breaking, busting and transforming. But all inside a cocoon that never opens or changes. Then I just use the broken pieces to make myself into a person who feels new but will end up the same way.
Hopefully when I die the cocoon will fall away. I'll be a big beautiful gay Butterfly person. Hopefully Heaven really is for real. I want to eat some red meat... She is insane...

Ecstatically Ordinary... Don't you know I'm just like you? Yes, you. It's proper. It's extraordinary.
I was thinking earlier at work that I am quite stupid...

I watched Speakeasy with Dan Harmon and Mark Maron.. Hmm similar names...

I really hope you like me... I talked to Mom about how I don't really have friends that I hang out with and maybe I should. I saw Stacy yesterday. I was achingly emotional. I drove to Sunset Valley and it looked beautiful, about 11 am, sort of busy, and I cried a little. I still had to drive safely. I went past Tony Burger Center to see if the farmer's market was happening. It wasn't. There were a bunch of teens doing exercises in rows. I gave a dollar to guy on the side of the road with a sign that said disabled veteran. I was the first at the stoplight. He told me about his pension money or something. I tried to talk with him. I did not feel like myself. His face was red and bearded. His eyes were watery. He was chubby or fat I guess.

Now I'm listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I listened to Neurotic Society again . It's pretty amazing.

I have to go to the movie and talk to Aaron tomorrow. What is the worst...

What is happening in your brain?

I really want to know. I want to know. Everything.

Thank you

I want to be alive forever.
I want to do things I would never do.

semiconscious entertainer semiconscious entertainer semiconscious entertainer

Never not been so painful. Never not been so painful.

Never not been semiconscious.

NO!!!!

Ha, thanks.

You Know Very Well

Paul, and all.

Here it is.

Holding Hands, Nice

Two young sisters holding hands, one taller, one fatter
I am holding hands with a bag of trash, We pass by
There is nothing left for us
There is nothing left inside
There is nothing ahead or behind
I just want what's best for her
She just wants me to die!

Doo doo, doo, doo doo doo doo.

Humankind at the Library

I felt weird at work yesterday. I was somewhat tense. It felt good to stand and walk. I moved slowly and carefully. I was somewhat tearful.

I saw a young woman come in with partially dyed or bleached hair. Her face and clothes and posture reminded me of Nikkin. I was highly excited for a while. She walked and stood and sat and read in the stacks. She looked at getting out of debt books. It was after seven when she came to checkout. I said hello. I had been nervous about being charming and attractive. She is somewhat tall and somewhat pretty. I saw what looked like a cameltoe on her. That made me uncomfortable. In my avoidance of eye contact I think I looked at it again and I hoped she didn't notice. She got some mysteries I think. She said thanks and I said you're welcome.

A man and his daughter I believe came to the desk. He had a shaved head, a slight reddish tan, a red Abe Lincoln beard, and a happy face. She was sort of pale, pretty, adult-looking, and had long dark hair. I thought she might have been his wife or something. It was a little weird. He said she was getting a card for the first time. I showed him how. He had a slight accent. I think they come from Mexico. They're names are Victor and Alayna. They reminded me of House of the Spirits. I really loved them and I wanted to cry. She brought up three books of Manga about Biochemistry and my heart melted. They were perfect for her.

These kids were using the computer. A girl of about seven I guess and two older boys. They kept printing random stuff, like a sparkly girl's name and a pig. The girl came up to pay about 5 times. They were sort of annoying but mostly polite. They are pretty skinny. I hope they're still alive, and everyone else. I wonder how many people die in this town every day.
When I left for lunch, they were leaving too, right in front of me. A boy thanked me twice for all my help. I said you're welcome and have a nice day. It was six p.m. They walked to the back of the property toward the baptist church and climbed the fence. I guess it was better than walking next to the road. I drove past them.

During a break I sat on the council ring outside and read one page of Too Far, ate a Nature Valley Fruit and Nut bar and an apple, both very sugary and sticky, and looked around at everything in a new way again.


Bye for now

Album name/Song: Why are you listening?
Word-Based Movements in Space
The First Three Hours of the Day
Giant Diamond Gong: A Bigger Way to Hear
Different Is Idiotic When How Is Possible
Seven in a Day
The Same Thing Twice
I Don't Know What People Are


Hank Green: "I didn't think I was gonna do it so good!" I love those guys.

I got up at 8. I ate left over Indian food, chicken, rice, onion.

I watched Friend Zone and enjoyed it and laughed and got excited.

I fell asleep to Miss Bunny Whispers after I watched porn and ejaculated.

I planned to go to Boggy Creek Farm today and Springdale Farm, but I just felt like giving no effort and Friend Zone was tempting.

I have been writing stuff. It's mostly on here. I had a vague memory of a dream, so I wrote some stuff and made up a dream. It's over a page in my notebook.

I had some coffee but it's not that good. I may have made it too strong. It's already after noon. I chatted with Ashley on Facebook. I asked how she is, but she didn't answer, just asked how I am. I told her about Tim and Aaron and their romances.

Lazy Humans! I sent Kayla Dean a message to see how she is.

Gotta go! No I don't but I am.

Is this a good time?

Push Ups and Leg Lifts

The only time to do anything is Now.

In the words of the Flaming Lips, All we have is now.

Pat and Bridge went to get food from Asiana, maybe not the one close by based on what I heard Bridge say.

I asked for Tandoori Chicken... Yogurt sauce. I looked at Kefir in the store last night. I need some probiotics. I need less grains. I need fat for my joints. I am such a story of humanity.

My muscles hold themselves up. Muscle and bone hold each other. We still do not understand. Higgs boson. Cosmic Constant. I want to write a book called Particular Arrangement.

I am gone. I KNOW BETA BAND ARRON IS GOD PENGUIN EAT I DESHEVEL I DEMENESH

DEMONIC CHRONIC AFFLUMATION SIGNS SABOTS HABIT DESCRIBE IT DEAL AND SUBSCRIBE ARBITRATE ABUND ASSUAGE BLUNDER BUMBLE BEFUDDLE BEWILDER CRACCKS CRASS CROUPIER COOZY CLOSEST DEED DOUBLE DOSE DEEM DARE

There the end

Yo!

I saw Particle Fever. It is unimaginable how people can build something that smashes together sub-atomic particles at near light speed and records the results.

The Blank Man The Blank Man The Blank Man The Blank

Wiping my butthole. I don't get enough done.

It is almost 830 and I should leave this apt at 840 if I want to walk to work and get there on time... Now it seems like a waste of time. Maybe I should take my car the half a mile, maybe that's what it is for, maybe it is better. I don't know what to do for lunch. I'll have to stay at work or go somewhere close if I walk. Pat made beans and rice, but I don't want to use the microwave or take a spoon and bowl, and it is not even good for me to eat that stuff...

Drinking coffee and sweet cream creamer, Horizon organic whole milk.

I have to drive, because I don't want to get ready in the next ten minutes.

Everything is... Youtoob. My nipples... Chelsea Morgan. Living life and dying death. Superfluous. More Tired Successful Antithesis... On the way to Target for groceries and socks for Pat 32 dollars... Dear Friend... How Oh Yes I am....

Do what I am. Do what you are. A swollen rib and backwards spine.

Landlocked Blues stuck in my H-Ead.


Just cure just perfect, Done Done Done Did Did Do.

What is your name? Are you still were Here Her, We Are. Just Is? Just Do? We are? Are you?

Sick Mice, Refrigerator Sneaks out of the Kitchen. What if we turn it off, just keep it on long enough to keep our food fresh and once we eat, turn it off again... Yes? Or just get the daily food eat it store the rest in a safe place, eat it soon... Never Fridge or Freezer... Why. Why.

As Small as My Wonder

An old sunrise over a modern homestead
I wish we were still alive or awake
I wish my eyes would realize
what they see is not a mistake

I know Pluto is as big as a field, as small as my wonder.
I thought Pluto was as big as a field, as small as my wonder.
I saw Pluto as big as a field, as small as my wonder.

I wish it were big, as big as the universe.
I wish I were big, as big as the universe.

I wish I could see everything, as small as my wonder.

Walking forever, I make no mistake.
I love this, I love this, I love this

What an interesting turn of the road, I don't feel good anymore.

Repost

I know what children are and what they will be; they will be dead.
Promises made in their heads. And I won't care; I'll be in the air.
Particles on a mission of peace. Wipe out the human race.
Sleep indoors and never leave a trace.

I'm afraid of what they'll say. As I lift them out of their graves.
Little children crawling up my legs. And holding backing my arms.
Reshaping my face. Into the eyes of the world.
Repeating everything we have done.

So we never began. So we never began.
So what we never began. So what we never began.
So what if we never began? So what if we never began?

The End of Nothing

Naught

Kissing Barns

 Everyone has teeth and we're waiting for you.

It's not what you do, it's what you seem to do.

Paper in the shape of a leaf?

Autumn's fallen leaves are but a Winter's breath away.
After all, we are naught save whispers of the wind.

Consequence Nap

The ocean breaks and I'm stuck in a rushing flood. I swim and the water rises feet per second. I swim towards tall buildings halfway submerged. I worry that I'll get bitten by a shark. I am holding a garden hose that is blasting cold water; it never ends. I think I should let it go and wonder if it is wasting water. I see a giraffe struggling to keep it's head above water. I go inside a building and somehow get a baby. I hold it above the water, supporting its head. I think it is thirsty so I dip its mouth into the water, but it spits it up. There is a woman who asks a guy at an abandoned restaurant for food. He says it's $100 a plate. She is angry. I think they used to date. She grabs some cheese and vegetables in her fist and eats. The guy laughs and says he was joking; it's $10. I think that money is meaningless now, but if there are still people why would it be? We have no money. We need food for the baby. There is foamy spit on its mouth. The woman eats the rest of the food on the plate.

Photonic Gallups

These are doors and this is in.

My admiration is dying.
My legs are totally warping upside down behind my back.
I think my bones are trying to escape.

I'm watching the Chris Gethard show again... It's wonderful... I feel so light. Also sunken.

So so so so weird. And so-so mediocre, like I care so little, so everything is the best...

It must be 2006, I must have six dix. I must be slitting spitting splitting. Sitting, 9 bits. Tim bits

ITS ALL REAL, ITS SO REAL, ITS ALL COMING BACK

CHILDISH CHILDREN WAXING WANING AGING FLIPPING FLOPPING

FADIIIIIING MEMMMMMORRRIIIIESSSS.......

bye bye bye

Makeup Gorilla

A hug that lasts until the end.

In a Heart to Fool.

In her schizophrenic rambling.

Choosy heated choices, drying out, shriveling up.

Eyes rolling back, pain releasing irritating bliss.

Come down, 3 hours. Well it has been.

Concentrate. Populate. Carry a bundle of sustaining fuel.

Soccer Feud. Hacky Pond. Cruel Science.

Arsonal. Paragoda.

Trembles. Shaky stabby wind, 50 plus feet, death fall.

Correction. Absolution. Arguable tide. Selling. Everything stings, inside breaking crust.

Sore Dove, Kind Dove

I am

resisting

, dancing to Books

I am channeling. Procreating.

Progressive positive creation.

Transformation. Calories are burned when eaten by my cells to maintain my body temperature to keep me alive, countless chemical reactions, exerting energy. The sun cooks life and I eat it and it comes back out of me and I help new life grow, microscopically or by moving my body and moving materials. The biological is self-sufficient. The intellectual is fed by the sociological and historical. My body could survive, but without other people and constant effort I have no life.

I need to read.

Recreation. Distended spinal cord. Spinal curve.

Bubbly after birth, dusty coffee beans, crying tom boy, seeping flesh wound, cantankerous grandmother.

It hurts. Not that bad. Ain't so bad... Stupid exercise and driving a car and riding a bike and walking on feet and sitting up straight at a computer and blinking in the sun and looking at the ground and semi-consciously cracking my knuckles and my neck.

And talking and talking and talking and listening and thinking and dreaming.

Why yes why yes why yes.

Complete and rightful and accepted.

This is dangerous. I am jacked super high on espresso. Latte. I keep thinking of a porn video called Unbelievable throatfuck. The girl in it is really pretty... but I'd rather die than let myself degrade humanity for all eternity by watching it again... I almost did though. I turned on tim's computer and typed it in, then I thanked the internet for not connecting. It saved me. I plugged in my laptop intending to watch it, but I opened the blinds on my window and looked at a national geographic photo on my wall of a rural Chinese mother holding her daughter and it made me happy and I sort of laughed and walked out of the room, thankful again.

I am watching Polaris Friend Zone. One of the guests made me smile with his words, but now I am going to turn it off and listen to more Zammuto...

Last night... I listened to the Books and searched them online. I found out about Zammuto and watched a short documentary called Shape of Things to Come. I super duper enjoyed it. I listened to them on Spotify. I had seen the album cover because Anthony Fantano reviewed the album. I love it. Love it.

I laid on my bed listening rather closely, relaxing deeply...I felt quite tired when I got up. Pat and I watched Breaking Bad, robbing a train. 

I need to shit and shower... Of course. Need to know.

I was telling myself that I have to watch that porn video to get over it, to overcome... that felt wrong, so I thought I should think of what I want or what I feel rather than just tell myself what I need to do. Yesterday, I thought of telling Pat that I can't do anything I want to do. It is all wrong. In the car... FRUSTRATING VACATION PLANS ASKING OFF FROM WORK. I was so goddamn tense... I wanted to tell Pat that It seems everything he thinks is wrong yet he wants to tell me what to do.

Listening to the Books again. It rained a lot last night. I pulled my blinds up to watch the weather. I stood on the balcony for a bit and thought that it was such a good idea. I really don't want to ask for days off, but I will. I'll do it for Pat and Mom, we talked about it after we ate at Cherry Creek Catfish Co. I didn;t know what to say, I said I didn't really want to go. Everything was fried, Pat said. 

I sent Aaron a text around 830 and got no response. Thinking about Paramount summer classic movies, Charlie Chaplin...

Do it to better the entirety.

Is it real... What can be not real? Everything is atoms or dark matter, or potentiality or God.

They say, you think too much, that's because there's work that you don't wanna do. The last thing I listened to yesterday was Work by Lou Reed and John Cale.

I want to get ready for work.

I watched youtoobs this morning. I read a few sentences each of Toward Self Meaning and Improving Moral Decision Making. Aaron told me he got a book that Christmas. He said the title would be funny. I guessed that it was "Stop Wasting Your Life, You Stupid Idiot!" 

Hm, Good bye then

Present Pulls Me Through

Pretending assemble. Seven and a waste of west. Soggy land, juicy fruits, moldy vegetables, slimy human pieces, an embryo's face, seven digitally processed genes, piecemeal toes and fingers floating in drains, plugs, tubes... is it what it is?

Slippery humble atoms, Nathaniel and God and Jesus, a personal extra-personal relationship, exit personality, a real reality.

Where are the Books? Please say something.

Please make a conscious decision. Please argue in defense of the growing green lush potential plant arrangement. Hybridization. Collect striped hyena samples and burnt flaky acre garbage stiff stash aging lava scroll best beast potato mash thirty foot eyelash Shere Khan's flaming vulture branch tail.....

I grew up. My past is old. This time is going is gone. There is nothing to hold on to.

Dream

Last night I was listening to Doug loves movies and I decided to drive to the liquor store at about 9 pm to buy Bailey's, because I wanted to drink some. I had thought about getting ice cream or a root beer float. It was Sunday and the liquor stores were closed. I went to two. I had fun driving around with the windows down and listening to a public radio world music program.

I need to poop. I am sitting on the living room floor by the TV. I guess Tim put my laptop here to connect the new modem. Pat is sleeping or awake in his room, or he is not here and his door is shut. I am listening to Girl from NYC (Named Julia).

I kept going back to sleep this morning. I ate a slice of bread with peanut butter. It tasted good. I drank coffee and watched Coffeh Time and Apprentice Eh on my laptop. I didn't turn on the TV. I drove to work. It went well. At lunch I bought 5 peanut butter chocolate granola protein bars and ate two on a bench outside while reading The Fallback Plan. It's almost 4 pm now.

I had intense dreams of working at a different Sprouts and trying to find a place to poop and being outside on a break and some jerk boys started shooting a gun at people and I hid under a car and I pushed it at them to try to stop them, but it became very small and they shot at me over it and a bullet went thru some plastic board I had on my back. They killed a young woman, I think a Sprouts employee, and it was very sad. I hated those boys.

We played Magic at Pat's Games yesterday. I had just gotten an email from Aaron about amusements/games and Aristotle, using leisure time in the best way possible. I didn't read it. I don't feel good about myself or much of anything. We ate popeyes chicken. I spilled gravy. We drafted for a couple of hours. Pat took a nap and woke up about 1030 and I went to bed and watched porn for a while and came into my dark blue basketball shorts. Messy and ugly and stupid and hateful.

This morning I thoughts of beds and put something on my blogger since I got a comment from a girl saying she was following me. It feels like I am writing for her now... I should post this and see if she says anything... I definitely will.

I like to think of how much of this she probably won't understand. I barely understand any of it.

Doesn't even know who you are.

I am quite glad to be doing this. I miss introspection and wanting to be better.

I met a man named William at the library. The second time he came in this morning, he extended his hand for me to shake. I told him my name. He is black but that doesn't matter, I just want it to be known. He seems cool. He was waiting for an inter library loan.

I helped a guy who seems middle eastern print something. It took many tries and it felt so good to get it right, he was nice and appreciative and paid for every page that failed.

Anthing else is.

Here:

(Deerhoof busted voice)

I wanna blow up the fucking bomb.
Yes is I go with you Happy town.
Kill daddy dead you blind man
....
by by

Four Beds of Self-Serving Fortune

Arms, Blankets, Hot Shower, and Clothes

Fifth Bed
Sunlight

Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't want to.
I am lost inside my eyeballs. Where are my hands? What are they going to do?

I save a bird from drowning. He looks into my bowels.
He says, quote, I want to eat... all that I see, end quote.

I wish we were what we were when we had all night.
So far, everything I've done seems like the best idea.

Closed for raising the dead.
Come back please between 9 and 6.

Savevevevev dsaasdeevasavdv avebava ev3 aav v

Fidgeting with Dad, Oh, I'm getting dumb!

Dawn in puberty

Realised cudgel


True Fact


False Truth


Made up decision


Real Lord deigning control


Sue sounds

Inner ear   jostle

Jumble Rumble Throw Up

Birth Barf   Slough Trough  Sticky Fluid


In your throat in your goat

Best way to get out


Sum up

Cross Section

Interrupt Mid-Process

You know I feel scared, when you say that I'm not real.
I don't feel, like I'm not real.

Everywhere unda tha sun, and again unda tha moon.

Maybe nature is so beautiful because it is always reaching its full potential. Humans are more complex because they have a choice and it is difficult. Or maybe nature is beautiful because it is innocent. So part of a human is innocent, the animal part. The human part has responsibility, mainly to itself, but we hardly ever take it.

I'm not gonna change, for her. It's good-er for me.

Same

With Me

Hey! I love you!
I want to die with you!

I want to give you a pantsuit and turn you into a hobbit.

It's so hard I want to kill!

It's so bad I don't want it!

It's tearing, tearing, tearing, feeble!

Fetid, torrid, fecal, fetal!

Foal, doe, colt, coddle.

Famish, rearrange, exercise, feel better.

I don't matter what I am...

Everything else must disappear for me to know what is true and real.

I need to dig deeper...

Sexy does not. I cannot feel. I do not know.

It needs to be better. I can imagine.

It feels good... I will get better...

I will break my own heart and make myself cry; it is a good night.

I will see him; I will show him.

I will read her. I will know how.

I will not lose myself.

3 episodes of the Office, season 8.

My bloody experiences. My painful body, my lesser mind.

It wraps and wraps and wraps and gives. Squeezing tightly, getting numb.

Happy actualization.   I know   I just know.

It's real, it's real.

I am solid and secure. I am human and unmanageable.

Imagine a human.

Imagine two humans... what are they doing... It will change... It is perfect... perfect...

Just a silky blue rain forest. Just mother's grave. Just sunny day. Just an old drugstore. I am older now.

It is all going somewhere, here.

I give in... I wait more. I say it right... I try again.


It is too good.   Can  I  ever  even   explain      as strange and pure as what I see


I got to.


Sure

Since Then I Did

I slept in past a rainstorm. I got out of bed and felt motivated. I took out the recycling. 20 boxes of Totino's. I felt like Dad's apartment. Outside is very different than here. It can be much more beautiful; it's more extreme. I thought that a person born when we moved in here is now three and a half years old, learning to read and write I guess. I saw an older blonde woman walking the opposite way thru the parking lot, carrying a laundry basket. I wondered what she thought and if it was like my thoughts and what might we talk about and how she feels about the weather, if she appreciates nature. I thought this cloudy cool post rain air is better than sunny and 90 degrees. I wondered why I like this weather so much. It feels like I am living in a movie that I love a lot. I think of Cold Weather, which was pretty good, but I think of it because it has the word weather in it. I think of Mind the Gap and the its characters living in the woods. A lot of other movies... Station Agent. I think of school and going to competitions at other schools and the excitement and adventure of exploration and displacement, lack of control and somehow more freedom. Also, it feels like helping Mom in her school library early in the morning in spring, everything is ending...

Forever is too long; I have been asleep since then.
I never want to wake up, but I did, but I did.

A white knight slurps gumdrop soup in morning.
The brown skin of a parakeet is soothing but alarming.

As a what, with a collar.
Who's a but, in a cable car.

From Him

He's so sick that he's dead.
He grows up and goes to bed.

Say what the time is doing.
It is from his overbearing.

His huge pool broke the deck.
I can't fit my hands around his neck.

Syrup bubbles cancer polyps.
Grouper couple barking orders.

Nobody is looking for fun.
Nicer demon descale service.

Humming birds are fecal terrors.

I got no grip.
I sure do sleep to slip away.

As I go, nowhere follows your heat.
Sinning shine of unwhelming sea stars.

I really embarrass hulks to eat.
Nubia forces reality into crime.

Bursa bruises drink synovial pouches.
Okay children games popularize death.

Very simple concrete shivers my forearms.
He pushes for a grease slit and never quits, because he can't.

It has not been too difficult. Leg is dysfunctioning. Spiegal Undercarriage. Being a Jew in the 20th century. Evil is real! Come kill me, come tell me what I want. The sunlight and the sky looked most beautiful tonight. I felt that humans are loving and miraculous. How did you feel ?  I am learning

Natureache

Woman blak hair overweight farms ache, You mean Nature? They had a baby, how are they? Complaining corn. That's life. Australia's two arid coats and five types of productive land between. Small room, teacher, diagram cards. Ashley texts me, I do still care.

Pods

She sounds like my mom and Rosanne. I never flew from the house over the dark hills and lakes and trees toward the night horizon, flying toward the lightless space. I knever knew that. I never do that.

She knows. I hear her. I almost went to sleep. gyght tyght . Yoni. Sleep comes slowly and attaches and sinks and dissolves. Not being able to sleep is horrible. Then I got out of bed to type this and listen to a family chat.

Jana sounds New England. Adrenalgland. _^KIIIIIIII*^_ hoose, GUUDS, WASTED$^%&_)(* DL NIGHT NACOTACO IS DEEP MOOP NOO TOOK PEREGRIN BEEEEEOOOOR BE XBM< OEU
haha. He knows.

i am sorry

I cannot fight sleep. Never not notice her bushy hair; she's watching... now never. Crying laughing... I drove on highway near 10 pm... ideal... Radiolab, I know it. A transgender mayor of Silverton. They are all equal and a large number of them are rallying for peace and acceptance and purpose and practicality and beauty and stuff. I am a warm wet bloody ragdoll... super super life fulfilling hope and junk and butts and deep .. red burby hurby hubris dope deal double devil... Ark, the precious. Precocious. {;easant

Sincerely, Me ok

hey go die in the pool! You want me to kill you, but I won't because I love you!

Curry Fried Kittens!

Just keep stopping. Do not ever be negative.

There is no light without shadow. The observer and the observable.

I woke up an hour before the alarm. I wanted to get up. I see stacy in a couple hours. I'm listening to Waste of Paint. I listened to A Sucker for Your Marketing (Vulnerable) and my three favourite Ought songs. And Captain Easychord. I know those are sixteen letters, because I wanted it to be my AIM screenname.

I ate grilled cheese at ten pm or so. I walked to work and back the past two days. It feels good. I watch Dodger play Always Sometimes Monsters.

I am going to take my clothes to Goodwill, because Domino keeps biting the bag and Stacy is close to one. I am going to

These chik-fil-a commercials implying that cows like eating chickens are gross. Tig Notaro, be praod.

Laura Marling... I watched Maria Bamford's Special Special Special. It was sweet. I like how hard she tries.

Sure, I was justing reading NPR interview of Maria Bamford. Disease, Better Ease.... Social Anxiety. What do I say to Stacy. I must be depressed more than anxious. It is common. I just need to do what I need to do. Healthy food makes me feel good. Knowing that I am trying feels good. Arcade Fire feels good. Some are video games.

Play Doubt... Pord Wlay. Link Ray, Dumbstep. Truth is in my mind. In my mind are words. Words are not the sounds or images representing them. The meaning is the most important. What does "word" mean? A word is close to a thought. In two words I can have a useful thought. "I think." "I am." They are comprehensive. The meaning of the sentence is in my consciousness. In my experience is the meaning. It's an understanding, not a definition. It's a combination of my past consciousness, my present memory, and my present consciousness.

I'm excited to show this to Aaron. I need to shower soon. I just stood up. I am impatient in trying to understand the square root rule. I know I need to look at every piece and think about my every thought.
It feels useless and hopeless.

I read Coyote Steals Sadness yesterday. I thought of the New Yorker publishing it. Now I want to send it. It's too scattered and insignificant. I could try to polish it, but I like how it is. I hope they will like how unusual it is, maybe how juvenile it is.

Doggshit.

Pease, my homely's.

Seeks ... Dreams

I sit with Mom and tell her I dreamed that people I loved died, but that I am not sad, because I am still alive and so on. I play part of Chrono Trigger where I am battling thru factories and sewers and a city hall kinda place. It is very dark, detailed art. The characters are thin and have long bill-like noses. I explain some to Mom, saying it's just a style or something, and how amazing the game is.

Pat and I walk at a university, maybe UT. There are some big short building around. We are in a big bright open area. The ground is pebbled concrete. He says it's weird being here after so long.

I am at maybe a poker game at the apartment. It seems that Will Hines and Natasha Leggero are there. I may have lost and am walking around making jokes. Two guys play a separate game in my room. I notice there are corn patterns on both of their clothes. The group in the dining room talk about porn. I yell, What's worse, Corn shorts or porn shorts? No one answers. If anyone laughs it's because I am stupid.

My brothers and I are in the apartments' parking lot, hanging around a car. There might be somewhere we think we may go to. I think Mom and other females are here. It's sort of a party. I walk away. I think of going to Kit's apartment down near the office. I have something important to do, but Tim suggests we play more of some game. I feel conflicted. Casey comes and does an impression says vulgar sexual things and Tim laughs hard. I walk by and say to Casey, Just as I would have thought... or something... They stop. Later Tim, I, and some other guy see Casey from afar sitting in the passenger seat of a car. They guess what he is doing. I worry he is masturbating but I don't want to say.

A Shadow Walks in Front of You

My soft skin is covered with locust husks
My ears drums are erupting bloody pus

I watch wax wane out of the corner of the sky
I always lose nothing, because I always never try

I'm so lucky to be living in third person
I'll never get tired of not walking in my shoes

I believe my life can never worsen
I view from behind, and a shadow walks in front of you

Daynightyears

She pushed her hair away
and said "I want to stay."
We clammed up and wasted another day.

She clenched her eyelids tight
and said "I won't be all right."
We stayed awake and worried thru the night.

She lifted both her ears
and said "I must face my fears."
We stood up and lived one hundred years.

Message History with A as of Jun 03 14

Mar 29 13
A: Yes

May 07 13
A: Nothing.

May 17 13
A: I meant

Jun 08 13
A: I sorries
A: Been busy with work

Nov 21 13
A: You?

Dec 18 13
A: But hopefully not much

Jan 05 14
A: I'll text you when I'm done.

Apr 27 14
Me: So, plans?
A: movie with a coworker
Me: Which one?
A: Grand Budapest Hotel
Me: Good choice!

May 02 14
Me: Howdy stranger?
A: Sunday!
Me: Oh sweeet potaytoes (:

May 03 14
Me: noon.
A: Alright.
Me: g'night. See ya lata.
A: Goodnight.

May 04 14
A: So I went out for my friends birthday today last night. I'm probably not going to be ready at noon.
Me.Oh happy birthday friend. Tex me when u r.
A: Okee.
A: What are we going to eat?
Me: Casa de Luz?
A: Ohhhh
Sounds pretty awesome.
Me: Happy
A: So my headache won't go away. When are your next days off?
Me: Ah sorry, next week, relieved, dissapointed, wait. Feel better soon!

May 15 14
Me: Want to chill out on Sunday? I'll give you food!

May 18 14
Me: Howdy, madam! Wantu go to a park close to you if youre not busy?

May 20 14
Me: I dreamed we met after a long time. We hugged. 30 rock, Kenneth, Jack.

May 28 14
Me: How are you feeling these days?


The End

This Universe Is Only One Place

JJJ :OISvfn OPprjn  Br abn'rfn nbdio

Juicy Jiggling Junkyard. Obvious impressive side effect verified by National Organ Pride. People rappel in jumpsuits to nesting birds. Appraised burnt radio furnace nears bidding declaration by insider opinions.

YGGV,GK   VKH  H KTJHCV HTHJT KLTRL'CN98008897[0-P

You gave girls Venice. Go kindly. Varnish kickers heroically. Hi. Kiss the Jacks here closely vocal. Hitman ties hops jelly to kill Latrice's turtle rotating loosely. Celestial number ninety eight million eight thousand eight hundred ninety seven [Zero Percent].

Jesus Christmas, if you go straight long enough you'll end up where they are.

All I ever do is imprison myself.

I'm always constipated.

Forest of knives and tangerines. Can we screen this film before it sees itself on the handy, sandy sands of time? ... It doesn't matter if we get there before it's built. Every day we'll have to speak to our heads.

I cuddle with Ilse on a big bed, my face buried in her boob. She wears a revealing top, no bra. I see her nipple. She reads something I think. I think Tim is there.
I leave this white bedroom to visit Pat, I think, in the Amazon on canoe trip on a little creek. I come back to the white spacious room, like a hotel room. I go back to the Amazon because a snake bit Pat on the neck, which I remember being there to see. It was bloody. The snake was deadly and had big fangs, and it died after it bit Pat. I came to save Pat from dying. He was also bitten on the leg. His neck bite is fine I guess. He has black spikes or stingers in his skin at the leg bite. I have to pull them out. They are embedded in his skin. I push on one end and poke it thru and grab and pull it out. I accidentally repoke his skin a couple times, trying to get the spike out of the hole in made. I ask why I had to come do this, since it took me so long to get here. Wouldn't it be safer if someone closer helped him.
I go back to the room in the US. Tim is there, eating ice cream and playing a video game. I tell him that I went to the Amazon twice in 36 hours.

I've never seen my hair in the mirror.
It's too thin for the light to reflect off.

I've seen a movie about a boy who grows up.
He goes into a TV screen.

His mother never stops.
His father never quits.

I never want to seem like I am.
I just want to be.

My whole death is dad of the future.

Two men walk to the trash compactor.
One wears a light green shirt.
One wears a light orange shirt.
One wears blue shorts.
One wears blue jeans.
One carries a trash bag.
One wears a cap.

They both look at the bed frame behind the recycling dumpster.

Don't I know that anything is real?

How do people do people?

Spymob? Jesus and Mary Chain? Me and Aaron? Belle and Sebastian?

TooL plays Third Eye in Reno in 2014.

I'm a Cuckoo. I make no one laugh. I make it better.

I don't know if I have to go to Jackie's today.

What am I really?

How do I waste really?

Toys and Tots.

Sitting down cuz it feels better.

To my body, how Wolverine dies. I wanted him to die, but he never does.

Chris Marsden as Cyclops. 40 years old...

National Guaranteed Annual Income. Humane Humanity.

I the health food store open. By

How to be so Stupid that it's real...

So stupid that it had to be Real

GOD KILLS DEAD THINGS!

I see and I know and I wish, saying times, trying outside afore.

God is a Jew. Ew, oo, oo. Two balls, eye balls, cock balls, water borth.

Shop.

Pep ro ni Play boy

Asia was Australia

I didn't need to hear that.

But it was good to.

Oh shard, What is He goIng to DO!?

Wash clothes. Buy healthy, affordable food. Eat it.

Pace.

In place.

Great Hills Station Sprouts Head Cashier Andrea of the past

Her right boob.

Felt extremely right.

I wonder when Pat will come back to this apartment... This ... Apartment

Apart. Not what I meant.

Salad Days of Salad Days of Days of Salad

Sit Headache Neckache Buttache

Mom ache, take a brake

Sweet wind in sky warmth light soft

Close to four hours now

Now to then, then can be past or future.

Rain Nikki

Drawing Cat

Four Nouns

My scrotum is tight. I'm wearing no underwear.

The artificial light comes on

The foot gloves come on

Come On!

Aww Shit!

Tired! Sick!

Better! Every!!!!!!

I should have gone outside before the rain came.

I am drastically afraidd of bugs

I feel like a slave to my decisions.

I feel like I can only be free by letting myself go and not knowing what I will do.

It's hard to be sane and be aware that I am in control of everything I do.

I just want ice cream cookie sandwich.

I just can't.

Almost half a day has passed, and I can't do laundry or get groceries.

Silent, Invisible, Intangible Roommates

My besy friend's name is Mikayla. She is 25 years old and has had 50 abortions. She is not feeling well, though I hsven't known her in 15 months. I met her on the tall slide at our favorite playground, when we were 19. She was born two days before me, 1480.467 miles away.

I hepled her conceive during her heroin phase. I help her drop the habit by every day bringing her huge cookies to eat and marijuana to smoke.

Probably we will be friends forever I see. I went to the farmer's market yesterday just to give her a call and see how much weight she has gained. I am betting she is over 300.

She had a dad who threw rocks at her. She sees very well in the dark.

In the night she sends IMs to her creepy ex-boyfrind named John.

I heard about her on the newspaper. She said, Why don't the Arab Jews just nuke the sand jockeys and get back to shuckling priceless gemstones?

She has four dresses hanging in her old apartment. Once in a while she forgets to start a fire and trees get wet.

I ask her how she does? Most likely, our friendship is overtaking her sensible aura. I'd ask her if she loves this, but it doesn't seem fair to her, because she never wants to lose, except when she does, us core.

• decorator


• oath


• psychiatrist


• committee


• doughnut


• dinosaur


• alarm
• • parity
  
  
  • pear
  
  
  • beggar
  
  
  • reform
  
  
  • essay
  
  
  • whiteboard
  
  
  • fireworks
  
  
  • publicity
• stock market


• radio


• trap


• tray


• news


• calculator


• divorce


• strategy

edddddddd

I'm tired. I have barely been awake for 12 hours. Kit and I went on a bike ride for less than ten miles, about an hour. I'm listening to Colour Green. It's deep. I listened to Tonight and looked at the Gustav Klimt calendar and cryed a little. "Calendar" is a nice word. Penelope-of Montreal. I wanted to go outside so I started to get the mail, and I thought of taking out the trash, then I got excited about throwing away the cookie cake that Kit brought today. After I threw it away, I thought of how to explain why to Kit. I want to spare us the physical trauma of eating it. We'll eat way too much junk anyway. I imagined seeing Ashley. I wanted to make myself feel more than I usually feel. I sang in my head, I see you coming for me - I know I am not anywhere - Can I speak without moving? - Can I speak without thinking? - How strange the waves of color seem - They are known by what we make of them - They are what they are. Now I want to add "without us" to the end.

How do we describe something separate from us? How do we know anything

Tears forming. I hope I make Aaron proud by following this wondering. I masturbated to Andrea's profile picture. It felt really good. It felt like she was looking back at me. She looks displeased or something.

Thursday, Kimberley asked for my help tying string to chalk. I held the chalk as she tied. Her fingers bumped and brushed mine. She asked me to rotate the chalk and I did. I wonder if she wanted to touch me. I felt weird when I walked away. There was a young tall blonde tan girl at Howson. She checked out a Murakami book from me. I looked at her eyes when I told her the due date. She sat at a table. She was with a shorter paler girl, maybe her sister. Both were (or are, I hope they're still alive) pretty. She checked out something else from me later. I glanced at her and the other a few times. I thought I should say something to her, at least about Murakami, even though I know almost nothing about him. I hoped my coworkers did not think I was staring at them, lusting. She could have been younger than 17. That would be great.

I looked at the Conspiracy set for a while. I am well set in the idea that my bros and I will draft it, wasting money and, more upsetting, time. I looked at Gillian Jacobs online (I wonder how old she is. Barely older than me I think). Dan Croll is twenty-four. He was twenty two when he debuted his music. Hopefully I can use the words I wrote these many years and create something good.

I always do. Doing suff. So, I am ginna ebbe be be bne ba bbe      edddddddd

Etta Wine Tease

betterbetterbetterbetterbetter. Tingling, cuming. I now near never please how grape.

My hair is shoom. It is. Berry and willful. Qweesh. I tip.

A solid song beeps six six zero. Playing gets gar... I went.

Push backwards. Camel times ride slick heat. I beat freak with beet.

Sock hole groans put house to same. Helluva. Bastery. I pick sleep.

Cross pope. Peep slow poppy does. Osteridge. Parkley. I pain plain.

Bitter sweeps nobs tucking French pop toasters site closers. Ips. I am soak bleep upper soon.

Baby rat corpse and nest of large gnats. We are being digested. We try to leave the treacherous magical mansion. Open the door in the painting behind the plant. She is evil. We are dead.

Why.

It can be so sad. I can be.

I'm at home. It's almost sunset. I just watched a throat fucking video and came on some toilet paper. I ate ice cream, chocolate sauce, cheese and triscuits (what a clever name! shouldn't they be triangular?), milk, whipped cream, more chocolate sauce, and shrimp flavor Ramen noodles.

I am living exactly like I was eight years ago. It's like I'm on high school summer vacation. I hate work. I don't care about anything. I don't wanna do anything. Storytelling is a weird movie. Let me just spend another eight hours on the internet alone...

I watched three episodes of 30 Rock. Work did go pretty well. I am very happy to have tomorrow off. Howson on Saturday will probably be pretty easy. My memory is pretty good. I can make myself care enough in most situations. I hate driving sometimes, or hate that I have to drive, or hate that my seat doesn't move forward anymore and my shoulders and chest and neck hurt.

Curses Fired - Natureboy... GTA 3, Tony. You - Gold Panda ... Cameron's Dad's glass garage ravine.

I figured out the square root rule in Towards Self Meaning. I heard a cool Canadian band called Ought. When I heard the DJ say it, I thought Ott... like Ottawa {: Capital. How trivial.

Gotta drive to Austin early again. I want to go outside. What do I need to do? I need to use money at a farmers market (not Sprouts, a real one.) Haha, It's so funny that I worked there for 6 months. Sort of sad. It was pretty easy. I hope that this library job doesn't fall apart. Or that I don't fall apart at it.

I really want to know all about how and why animals live off of other living things.

I took a break. I listened to youtube songs, Lower Dens and Cocorosie. It's an hour and half since I started this post. Heather Graham is on Twin Peaks now. Log Lady touched the Colonel's face.

I did some square roots. Not seeing any meaning. I walked outside. The soil looked fertile and alive. I could sort of feel the churning and the growing. Plants are amazing, chemicals, water, sunlight.

I peed out back. I ran towards the house and looked at the blue sky. I jumped over the pile of deck boards.

Buddy followed me around the property.

I have four months to find a better way to live.

Flying dogs. Paw five toes. Four feet. Coyotes... Grizzly. Communication techniques. Picnic skill. Body talent.

Got to sleep a lot, sleep is wonder... or the opposite. You can't make a fist holding hands.

Oh dam. Liquid gold.

Whirlpool

Hello, forty fornicator.

I was very against class and work today. I wanted to go to sleep at the wheel of the car and crash into a ditch and talk to the tow truck driver about how weird and lonely we are.

I think my eyes involuntarily closed during training. Then he said Cheryl, addressing me. I started. I woke up significantly when he talked about the print cards and I said I got one a year ago. I felt alive, then I got extremely bored and tired again.

I wrote what seems like a good poem yesterday. Domino is extremely annoying.

One more day of work. I was disappointed when I realised I could not sleep in Friday because of my Stacy appointment. I usually feel like getting out of bed on my off days anyway. I just wore a T-shirt and dirty sneakers to Pleasant Hill. I helped one customer and spent the rest of the time on the computer. Sometimes people don't scare me.

I am sitting badly, and I wanted to stand here while I typed... I caved unconsciously. Now I stand up.

Stretching my neck... Oh, I really wanted to type my confession that I masturbated to porn last night. Quite crappy. It had been almost two weeks I think. That may have been why I was so tired today. Or lack of food. I was hungry and ate 2 ounces of peanuts from Faulk break room vending machine.

Last night alone at Mom's, I watched ASMR and old Apprentice eh vlogs... There are usually one or two redeeming things in my constant selfish indulgence, aka life. {: haha, so negative. The videos were not redeeming, they were indulgence. Food was indulgence.
I went out to the street at 9pm. I looked at the sky and the shapes and shadows and colors made me laugh with joy. I guess twilight starts after sunset... Haha! It is extremely fun to look on Wikipedia at the technical definitions of dusk and twilight. books movies fans

I'm hungry again. I got to go feed the dogs soon. I wanted to wait for Pat to wake up... Monday it was almost 7 pm when he got up, Whuuuh?!

Got to email ... AH I AM SITTING AGAIN. email Aaron about the square roots.

The Head and the Heart.

Summertime.

Synthesize.

Ok, Bye