Dream

Last night I was listening to Doug loves movies and I decided to drive to the liquor store at about 9 pm to buy Bailey's, because I wanted to drink some. I had thought about getting ice cream or a root beer float. It was Sunday and the liquor stores were closed. I went to two. I had fun driving around with the windows down and listening to a public radio world music program.

I need to poop. I am sitting on the living room floor by the TV. I guess Tim put my laptop here to connect the new modem. Pat is sleeping or awake in his room, or he is not here and his door is shut. I am listening to Girl from NYC (Named Julia).

I kept going back to sleep this morning. I ate a slice of bread with peanut butter. It tasted good. I drank coffee and watched Coffeh Time and Apprentice Eh on my laptop. I didn't turn on the TV. I drove to work. It went well. At lunch I bought 5 peanut butter chocolate granola protein bars and ate two on a bench outside while reading The Fallback Plan. It's almost 4 pm now.

I had intense dreams of working at a different Sprouts and trying to find a place to poop and being outside on a break and some jerk boys started shooting a gun at people and I hid under a car and I pushed it at them to try to stop them, but it became very small and they shot at me over it and a bullet went thru some plastic board I had on my back. They killed a young woman, I think a Sprouts employee, and it was very sad. I hated those boys.

We played Magic at Pat's Games yesterday. I had just gotten an email from Aaron about amusements/games and Aristotle, using leisure time in the best way possible. I didn't read it. I don't feel good about myself or much of anything. We ate popeyes chicken. I spilled gravy. We drafted for a couple of hours. Pat took a nap and woke up about 1030 and I went to bed and watched porn for a while and came into my dark blue basketball shorts. Messy and ugly and stupid and hateful.

This morning I thoughts of beds and put something on my blogger since I got a comment from a girl saying she was following me. It feels like I am writing for her now... I should post this and see if she says anything... I definitely will.

I like to think of how much of this she probably won't understand. I barely understand any of it.

Doesn't even know who you are.

I am quite glad to be doing this. I miss introspection and wanting to be better.

I met a man named William at the library. The second time he came in this morning, he extended his hand for me to shake. I told him my name. He is black but that doesn't matter, I just want it to be known. He seems cool. He was waiting for an inter library loan.

I helped a guy who seems middle eastern print something. It took many tries and it felt so good to get it right, he was nice and appreciative and paid for every page that failed.

Anthing else is.

Here:

(Deerhoof busted voice)

I wanna blow up the fucking bomb.
Yes is I go with you Happy town.
Kill daddy dead you blind man
....
by by

Four Beds of Self-Serving Fortune

Arms, Blankets, Hot Shower, and Clothes

Fifth Bed
Sunlight

Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't want to.
I am lost inside my eyeballs. Where are my hands? What are they going to do?

I save a bird from drowning. He looks into my bowels.
He says, quote, I want to eat... all that I see, end quote.

I wish we were what we were when we had all night.
So far, everything I've done seems like the best idea.

Closed for raising the dead.
Come back please between 9 and 6.

Savevevevev dsaasdeevasavdv avebava ev3 aav v

Fidgeting with Dad, Oh, I'm getting dumb!

Dawn in puberty

Realised cudgel


True Fact


False Truth


Made up decision


Real Lord deigning control


Sue sounds

Inner ear   jostle

Jumble Rumble Throw Up

Birth Barf   Slough Trough  Sticky Fluid


In your throat in your goat

Best way to get out


Sum up

Cross Section

Interrupt Mid-Process

You know I feel scared, when you say that I'm not real.
I don't feel, like I'm not real.

Everywhere unda tha sun, and again unda tha moon.

Maybe nature is so beautiful because it is always reaching its full potential. Humans are more complex because they have a choice and it is difficult. Or maybe nature is beautiful because it is innocent. So part of a human is innocent, the animal part. The human part has responsibility, mainly to itself, but we hardly ever take it.

I'm not gonna change, for her. It's good-er for me.

Same

With Me

Hey! I love you!
I want to die with you!

I want to give you a pantsuit and turn you into a hobbit.

It's so hard I want to kill!

It's so bad I don't want it!

It's tearing, tearing, tearing, feeble!

Fetid, torrid, fecal, fetal!

Foal, doe, colt, coddle.

Famish, rearrange, exercise, feel better.

I don't matter what I am...

Everything else must disappear for me to know what is true and real.

I need to dig deeper...

Sexy does not. I cannot feel. I do not know.

It needs to be better. I can imagine.

It feels good... I will get better...

I will break my own heart and make myself cry; it is a good night.

I will see him; I will show him.

I will read her. I will know how.

I will not lose myself.

3 episodes of the Office, season 8.

My bloody experiences. My painful body, my lesser mind.

It wraps and wraps and wraps and gives. Squeezing tightly, getting numb.

Happy actualization.   I know   I just know.

It's real, it's real.

I am solid and secure. I am human and unmanageable.

Imagine a human.

Imagine two humans... what are they doing... It will change... It is perfect... perfect...

Just a silky blue rain forest. Just mother's grave. Just sunny day. Just an old drugstore. I am older now.

It is all going somewhere, here.

I give in... I wait more. I say it right... I try again.


It is too good.   Can  I  ever  even   explain      as strange and pure as what I see


I got to.


Sure

Since Then I Did

I slept in past a rainstorm. I got out of bed and felt motivated. I took out the recycling. 20 boxes of Totino's. I felt like Dad's apartment. Outside is very different than here. It can be much more beautiful; it's more extreme. I thought that a person born when we moved in here is now three and a half years old, learning to read and write I guess. I saw an older blonde woman walking the opposite way thru the parking lot, carrying a laundry basket. I wondered what she thought and if it was like my thoughts and what might we talk about and how she feels about the weather, if she appreciates nature. I thought this cloudy cool post rain air is better than sunny and 90 degrees. I wondered why I like this weather so much. It feels like I am living in a movie that I love a lot. I think of Cold Weather, which was pretty good, but I think of it because it has the word weather in it. I think of Mind the Gap and the its characters living in the woods. A lot of other movies... Station Agent. I think of school and going to competitions at other schools and the excitement and adventure of exploration and displacement, lack of control and somehow more freedom. Also, it feels like helping Mom in her school library early in the morning in spring, everything is ending...

Forever is too long; I have been asleep since then.
I never want to wake up, but I did, but I did.

A white knight slurps gumdrop soup in morning.
The brown skin of a parakeet is soothing but alarming.

As a what, with a collar.
Who's a but, in a cable car.

From Him

He's so sick that he's dead.
He grows up and goes to bed.

Say what the time is doing.
It is from his overbearing.

His huge pool broke the deck.
I can't fit my hands around his neck.

Syrup bubbles cancer polyps.
Grouper couple barking orders.

Nobody is looking for fun.
Nicer demon descale service.

Humming birds are fecal terrors.

I got no grip.
I sure do sleep to slip away.

As I go, nowhere follows your heat.
Sinning shine of unwhelming sea stars.

I really embarrass hulks to eat.
Nubia forces reality into crime.

Bursa bruises drink synovial pouches.
Okay children games popularize death.

Very simple concrete shivers my forearms.
He pushes for a grease slit and never quits, because he can't.

It has not been too difficult. Leg is dysfunctioning. Spiegal Undercarriage. Being a Jew in the 20th century. Evil is real! Come kill me, come tell me what I want. The sunlight and the sky looked most beautiful tonight. I felt that humans are loving and miraculous. How did you feel ?  I am learning

Natureache

Woman blak hair overweight farms ache, You mean Nature? They had a baby, how are they? Complaining corn. That's life. Australia's two arid coats and five types of productive land between. Small room, teacher, diagram cards. Ashley texts me, I do still care.

Pods

She sounds like my mom and Rosanne. I never flew from the house over the dark hills and lakes and trees toward the night horizon, flying toward the lightless space. I knever knew that. I never do that.

She knows. I hear her. I almost went to sleep. gyght tyght . Yoni. Sleep comes slowly and attaches and sinks and dissolves. Not being able to sleep is horrible. Then I got out of bed to type this and listen to a family chat.

Jana sounds New England. Adrenalgland. _^KIIIIIIII*^_ hoose, GUUDS, WASTED$^%&_)(* DL NIGHT NACOTACO IS DEEP MOOP NOO TOOK PEREGRIN BEEEEEOOOOR BE XBM< OEU
haha. He knows.

i am sorry

I cannot fight sleep. Never not notice her bushy hair; she's watching... now never. Crying laughing... I drove on highway near 10 pm... ideal... Radiolab, I know it. A transgender mayor of Silverton. They are all equal and a large number of them are rallying for peace and acceptance and purpose and practicality and beauty and stuff. I am a warm wet bloody ragdoll... super super life fulfilling hope and junk and butts and deep .. red burby hurby hubris dope deal double devil... Ark, the precious. Precocious. {;easant

Sincerely, Me ok

hey go die in the pool! You want me to kill you, but I won't because I love you!

Curry Fried Kittens!

Just keep stopping. Do not ever be negative.

There is no light without shadow. The observer and the observable.

I woke up an hour before the alarm. I wanted to get up. I see stacy in a couple hours. I'm listening to Waste of Paint. I listened to A Sucker for Your Marketing (Vulnerable) and my three favourite Ought songs. And Captain Easychord. I know those are sixteen letters, because I wanted it to be my AIM screenname.

I ate grilled cheese at ten pm or so. I walked to work and back the past two days. It feels good. I watch Dodger play Always Sometimes Monsters.

I am going to take my clothes to Goodwill, because Domino keeps biting the bag and Stacy is close to one. I am going to

These chik-fil-a commercials implying that cows like eating chickens are gross. Tig Notaro, be praod.

Laura Marling... I watched Maria Bamford's Special Special Special. It was sweet. I like how hard she tries.

Sure, I was justing reading NPR interview of Maria Bamford. Disease, Better Ease.... Social Anxiety. What do I say to Stacy. I must be depressed more than anxious. It is common. I just need to do what I need to do. Healthy food makes me feel good. Knowing that I am trying feels good. Arcade Fire feels good. Some are video games.

Play Doubt... Pord Wlay. Link Ray, Dumbstep. Truth is in my mind. In my mind are words. Words are not the sounds or images representing them. The meaning is the most important. What does "word" mean? A word is close to a thought. In two words I can have a useful thought. "I think." "I am." They are comprehensive. The meaning of the sentence is in my consciousness. In my experience is the meaning. It's an understanding, not a definition. It's a combination of my past consciousness, my present memory, and my present consciousness.

I'm excited to show this to Aaron. I need to shower soon. I just stood up. I am impatient in trying to understand the square root rule. I know I need to look at every piece and think about my every thought.
It feels useless and hopeless.

I read Coyote Steals Sadness yesterday. I thought of the New Yorker publishing it. Now I want to send it. It's too scattered and insignificant. I could try to polish it, but I like how it is. I hope they will like how unusual it is, maybe how juvenile it is.

Doggshit.

Pease, my homely's.

Seeks ... Dreams

I sit with Mom and tell her I dreamed that people I loved died, but that I am not sad, because I am still alive and so on. I play part of Chrono Trigger where I am battling thru factories and sewers and a city hall kinda place. It is very dark, detailed art. The characters are thin and have long bill-like noses. I explain some to Mom, saying it's just a style or something, and how amazing the game is.

Pat and I walk at a university, maybe UT. There are some big short building around. We are in a big bright open area. The ground is pebbled concrete. He says it's weird being here after so long.

I am at maybe a poker game at the apartment. It seems that Will Hines and Natasha Leggero are there. I may have lost and am walking around making jokes. Two guys play a separate game in my room. I notice there are corn patterns on both of their clothes. The group in the dining room talk about porn. I yell, What's worse, Corn shorts or porn shorts? No one answers. If anyone laughs it's because I am stupid.

My brothers and I are in the apartments' parking lot, hanging around a car. There might be somewhere we think we may go to. I think Mom and other females are here. It's sort of a party. I walk away. I think of going to Kit's apartment down near the office. I have something important to do, but Tim suggests we play more of some game. I feel conflicted. Casey comes and does an impression says vulgar sexual things and Tim laughs hard. I walk by and say to Casey, Just as I would have thought... or something... They stop. Later Tim, I, and some other guy see Casey from afar sitting in the passenger seat of a car. They guess what he is doing. I worry he is masturbating but I don't want to say.

A Shadow Walks in Front of You

My soft skin is covered with locust husks
My ears drums are erupting bloody pus

I watch wax wane out of the corner of the sky
I always lose nothing, because I always never try

I'm so lucky to be living in third person
I'll never get tired of not walking in my shoes

I believe my life can never worsen
I view from behind, and a shadow walks in front of you

Daynightyears

She pushed her hair away
and said "I want to stay."
We clammed up and wasted another day.

She clenched her eyelids tight
and said "I won't be all right."
We stayed awake and worried thru the night.

She lifted both her ears
and said "I must face my fears."
We stood up and lived one hundred years.

Message History with A as of Jun 03 14

Mar 29 13
A: Yes

May 07 13
A: Nothing.

May 17 13
A: I meant

Jun 08 13
A: I sorries
A: Been busy with work

Nov 21 13
A: You?

Dec 18 13
A: But hopefully not much

Jan 05 14
A: I'll text you when I'm done.

Apr 27 14
Me: So, plans?
A: movie with a coworker
Me: Which one?
A: Grand Budapest Hotel
Me: Good choice!

May 02 14
Me: Howdy stranger?
A: Sunday!
Me: Oh sweeet potaytoes (:

May 03 14
Me: noon.
A: Alright.
Me: g'night. See ya lata.
A: Goodnight.

May 04 14
A: So I went out for my friends birthday today last night. I'm probably not going to be ready at noon.
Me.Oh happy birthday friend. Tex me when u r.
A: Okee.
A: What are we going to eat?
Me: Casa de Luz?
A: Ohhhh
Sounds pretty awesome.
Me: Happy
A: So my headache won't go away. When are your next days off?
Me: Ah sorry, next week, relieved, dissapointed, wait. Feel better soon!

May 15 14
Me: Want to chill out on Sunday? I'll give you food!

May 18 14
Me: Howdy, madam! Wantu go to a park close to you if youre not busy?

May 20 14
Me: I dreamed we met after a long time. We hugged. 30 rock, Kenneth, Jack.

May 28 14
Me: How are you feeling these days?


The End

This Universe Is Only One Place

JJJ :OISvfn OPprjn  Br abn'rfn nbdio

Juicy Jiggling Junkyard. Obvious impressive side effect verified by National Organ Pride. People rappel in jumpsuits to nesting birds. Appraised burnt radio furnace nears bidding declaration by insider opinions.

YGGV,GK   VKH  H KTJHCV HTHJT KLTRL'CN98008897[0-P

You gave girls Venice. Go kindly. Varnish kickers heroically. Hi. Kiss the Jacks here closely vocal. Hitman ties hops jelly to kill Latrice's turtle rotating loosely. Celestial number ninety eight million eight thousand eight hundred ninety seven [Zero Percent].

Jesus Christmas, if you go straight long enough you'll end up where they are.

All I ever do is imprison myself.

I'm always constipated.

Forest of knives and tangerines. Can we screen this film before it sees itself on the handy, sandy sands of time? ... It doesn't matter if we get there before it's built. Every day we'll have to speak to our heads.

I cuddle with Ilse on a big bed, my face buried in her boob. She wears a revealing top, no bra. I see her nipple. She reads something I think. I think Tim is there.
I leave this white bedroom to visit Pat, I think, in the Amazon on canoe trip on a little creek. I come back to the white spacious room, like a hotel room. I go back to the Amazon because a snake bit Pat on the neck, which I remember being there to see. It was bloody. The snake was deadly and had big fangs, and it died after it bit Pat. I came to save Pat from dying. He was also bitten on the leg. His neck bite is fine I guess. He has black spikes or stingers in his skin at the leg bite. I have to pull them out. They are embedded in his skin. I push on one end and poke it thru and grab and pull it out. I accidentally repoke his skin a couple times, trying to get the spike out of the hole in made. I ask why I had to come do this, since it took me so long to get here. Wouldn't it be safer if someone closer helped him.
I go back to the room in the US. Tim is there, eating ice cream and playing a video game. I tell him that I went to the Amazon twice in 36 hours.

I've never seen my hair in the mirror.
It's too thin for the light to reflect off.

I've seen a movie about a boy who grows up.
He goes into a TV screen.

His mother never stops.
His father never quits.

I never want to seem like I am.
I just want to be.

My whole death is dad of the future.

Two men walk to the trash compactor.
One wears a light green shirt.
One wears a light orange shirt.
One wears blue shorts.
One wears blue jeans.
One carries a trash bag.
One wears a cap.

They both look at the bed frame behind the recycling dumpster.

Don't I know that anything is real?

How do people do people?

Spymob? Jesus and Mary Chain? Me and Aaron? Belle and Sebastian?

TooL plays Third Eye in Reno in 2014.

I'm a Cuckoo. I make no one laugh. I make it better.

I don't know if I have to go to Jackie's today.

What am I really?

How do I waste really?

Toys and Tots.

Sitting down cuz it feels better.

To my body, how Wolverine dies. I wanted him to die, but he never does.

Chris Marsden as Cyclops. 40 years old...

National Guaranteed Annual Income. Humane Humanity.

I the health food store open. By

How to be so Stupid that it's real...

So stupid that it had to be Real

GOD KILLS DEAD THINGS!

I see and I know and I wish, saying times, trying outside afore.

God is a Jew. Ew, oo, oo. Two balls, eye balls, cock balls, water borth.

Shop.

Pep ro ni Play boy

Asia was Australia

I didn't need to hear that.

But it was good to.

Oh shard, What is He goIng to DO!?

Wash clothes. Buy healthy, affordable food. Eat it.

Pace.

In place.

Great Hills Station Sprouts Head Cashier Andrea of the past

Her right boob.

Felt extremely right.

I wonder when Pat will come back to this apartment... This ... Apartment

Apart. Not what I meant.

Salad Days of Salad Days of Days of Salad

Sit Headache Neckache Buttache

Mom ache, take a brake

Sweet wind in sky warmth light soft

Close to four hours now

Now to then, then can be past or future.

Rain Nikki

Drawing Cat

Four Nouns

My scrotum is tight. I'm wearing no underwear.

The artificial light comes on

The foot gloves come on

Come On!

Aww Shit!

Tired! Sick!

Better! Every!!!!!!

I should have gone outside before the rain came.

I am drastically afraidd of bugs

I feel like a slave to my decisions.

I feel like I can only be free by letting myself go and not knowing what I will do.

It's hard to be sane and be aware that I am in control of everything I do.

I just want ice cream cookie sandwich.

I just can't.

Almost half a day has passed, and I can't do laundry or get groceries.

Silent, Invisible, Intangible Roommates

My besy friend's name is Mikayla. She is 25 years old and has had 50 abortions. She is not feeling well, though I hsven't known her in 15 months. I met her on the tall slide at our favorite playground, when we were 19. She was born two days before me, 1480.467 miles away.

I hepled her conceive during her heroin phase. I help her drop the habit by every day bringing her huge cookies to eat and marijuana to smoke.

Probably we will be friends forever I see. I went to the farmer's market yesterday just to give her a call and see how much weight she has gained. I am betting she is over 300.

She had a dad who threw rocks at her. She sees very well in the dark.

In the night she sends IMs to her creepy ex-boyfrind named John.

I heard about her on the newspaper. She said, Why don't the Arab Jews just nuke the sand jockeys and get back to shuckling priceless gemstones?

She has four dresses hanging in her old apartment. Once in a while she forgets to start a fire and trees get wet.

I ask her how she does? Most likely, our friendship is overtaking her sensible aura. I'd ask her if she loves this, but it doesn't seem fair to her, because she never wants to lose, except when she does, us core.

• decorator


• oath


• psychiatrist


• committee


• doughnut


• dinosaur


• alarm
• • parity
  
  
  • pear
  
  
  • beggar
  
  
  • reform
  
  
  • essay
  
  
  • whiteboard
  
  
  • fireworks
  
  
  • publicity
• stock market


• radio


• trap


• tray


• news


• calculator


• divorce


• strategy

edddddddd

I'm tired. I have barely been awake for 12 hours. Kit and I went on a bike ride for less than ten miles, about an hour. I'm listening to Colour Green. It's deep. I listened to Tonight and looked at the Gustav Klimt calendar and cryed a little. "Calendar" is a nice word. Penelope-of Montreal. I wanted to go outside so I started to get the mail, and I thought of taking out the trash, then I got excited about throwing away the cookie cake that Kit brought today. After I threw it away, I thought of how to explain why to Kit. I want to spare us the physical trauma of eating it. We'll eat way too much junk anyway. I imagined seeing Ashley. I wanted to make myself feel more than I usually feel. I sang in my head, I see you coming for me - I know I am not anywhere - Can I speak without moving? - Can I speak without thinking? - How strange the waves of color seem - They are known by what we make of them - They are what they are. Now I want to add "without us" to the end.

How do we describe something separate from us? How do we know anything

Tears forming. I hope I make Aaron proud by following this wondering. I masturbated to Andrea's profile picture. It felt really good. It felt like she was looking back at me. She looks displeased or something.

Thursday, Kimberley asked for my help tying string to chalk. I held the chalk as she tied. Her fingers bumped and brushed mine. She asked me to rotate the chalk and I did. I wonder if she wanted to touch me. I felt weird when I walked away. There was a young tall blonde tan girl at Howson. She checked out a Murakami book from me. I looked at her eyes when I told her the due date. She sat at a table. She was with a shorter paler girl, maybe her sister. Both were (or are, I hope they're still alive) pretty. She checked out something else from me later. I glanced at her and the other a few times. I thought I should say something to her, at least about Murakami, even though I know almost nothing about him. I hoped my coworkers did not think I was staring at them, lusting. She could have been younger than 17. That would be great.

I looked at the Conspiracy set for a while. I am well set in the idea that my bros and I will draft it, wasting money and, more upsetting, time. I looked at Gillian Jacobs online (I wonder how old she is. Barely older than me I think). Dan Croll is twenty-four. He was twenty two when he debuted his music. Hopefully I can use the words I wrote these many years and create something good.

I always do. Doing suff. So, I am ginna ebbe be be bne ba bbe      edddddddd

Etta Wine Tease

betterbetterbetterbetterbetter. Tingling, cuming. I now near never please how grape.

My hair is shoom. It is. Berry and willful. Qweesh. I tip.

A solid song beeps six six zero. Playing gets gar... I went.

Push backwards. Camel times ride slick heat. I beat freak with beet.

Sock hole groans put house to same. Helluva. Bastery. I pick sleep.

Cross pope. Peep slow poppy does. Osteridge. Parkley. I pain plain.

Bitter sweeps nobs tucking French pop toasters site closers. Ips. I am soak bleep upper soon.

Baby rat corpse and nest of large gnats. We are being digested. We try to leave the treacherous magical mansion. Open the door in the painting behind the plant. She is evil. We are dead.

Why.

It can be so sad. I can be.

I'm at home. It's almost sunset. I just watched a throat fucking video and came on some toilet paper. I ate ice cream, chocolate sauce, cheese and triscuits (what a clever name! shouldn't they be triangular?), milk, whipped cream, more chocolate sauce, and shrimp flavor Ramen noodles.

I am living exactly like I was eight years ago. It's like I'm on high school summer vacation. I hate work. I don't care about anything. I don't wanna do anything. Storytelling is a weird movie. Let me just spend another eight hours on the internet alone...

I watched three episodes of 30 Rock. Work did go pretty well. I am very happy to have tomorrow off. Howson on Saturday will probably be pretty easy. My memory is pretty good. I can make myself care enough in most situations. I hate driving sometimes, or hate that I have to drive, or hate that my seat doesn't move forward anymore and my shoulders and chest and neck hurt.

Curses Fired - Natureboy... GTA 3, Tony. You - Gold Panda ... Cameron's Dad's glass garage ravine.

I figured out the square root rule in Towards Self Meaning. I heard a cool Canadian band called Ought. When I heard the DJ say it, I thought Ott... like Ottawa {: Capital. How trivial.

Gotta drive to Austin early again. I want to go outside. What do I need to do? I need to use money at a farmers market (not Sprouts, a real one.) Haha, It's so funny that I worked there for 6 months. Sort of sad. It was pretty easy. I hope that this library job doesn't fall apart. Or that I don't fall apart at it.

I really want to know all about how and why animals live off of other living things.

I took a break. I listened to youtube songs, Lower Dens and Cocorosie. It's an hour and half since I started this post. Heather Graham is on Twin Peaks now. Log Lady touched the Colonel's face.

I did some square roots. Not seeing any meaning. I walked outside. The soil looked fertile and alive. I could sort of feel the churning and the growing. Plants are amazing, chemicals, water, sunlight.

I peed out back. I ran towards the house and looked at the blue sky. I jumped over the pile of deck boards.

Buddy followed me around the property.

I have four months to find a better way to live.

Flying dogs. Paw five toes. Four feet. Coyotes... Grizzly. Communication techniques. Picnic skill. Body talent.

Got to sleep a lot, sleep is wonder... or the opposite. You can't make a fist holding hands.

Oh dam. Liquid gold.

Whirlpool

Hello, forty fornicator.

I was very against class and work today. I wanted to go to sleep at the wheel of the car and crash into a ditch and talk to the tow truck driver about how weird and lonely we are.

I think my eyes involuntarily closed during training. Then he said Cheryl, addressing me. I started. I woke up significantly when he talked about the print cards and I said I got one a year ago. I felt alive, then I got extremely bored and tired again.

I wrote what seems like a good poem yesterday. Domino is extremely annoying.

One more day of work. I was disappointed when I realised I could not sleep in Friday because of my Stacy appointment. I usually feel like getting out of bed on my off days anyway. I just wore a T-shirt and dirty sneakers to Pleasant Hill. I helped one customer and spent the rest of the time on the computer. Sometimes people don't scare me.

I am sitting badly, and I wanted to stand here while I typed... I caved unconsciously. Now I stand up.

Stretching my neck... Oh, I really wanted to type my confession that I masturbated to porn last night. Quite crappy. It had been almost two weeks I think. That may have been why I was so tired today. Or lack of food. I was hungry and ate 2 ounces of peanuts from Faulk break room vending machine.

Last night alone at Mom's, I watched ASMR and old Apprentice eh vlogs... There are usually one or two redeeming things in my constant selfish indulgence, aka life. {: haha, so negative. The videos were not redeeming, they were indulgence. Food was indulgence.
I went out to the street at 9pm. I looked at the sky and the shapes and shadows and colors made me laugh with joy. I guess twilight starts after sunset... Haha! It is extremely fun to look on Wikipedia at the technical definitions of dusk and twilight. books movies fans

I'm hungry again. I got to go feed the dogs soon. I wanted to wait for Pat to wake up... Monday it was almost 7 pm when he got up, Whuuuh?!

Got to email ... AH I AM SITTING AGAIN. email Aaron about the square roots.

The Head and the Heart.

Summertime.

Synthesize.

Ok, Bye

I saw the hour hand and thought it was (:45... 9:45. It's 9:15 pm. Almost four hours at Mom's house gone. I'm listening to Everyday Robots again. "Lonely Press Play" is exactly what I do. You're not resolved in your heart. How everyday.

How to be and to have. I started a new ASMRrequests video. I watched Take This Waltz shower scene. My shoulders and chest are crap. Eating pain.
I heard Camper Van Beethoven on KUTX today. Take the skinheads bowling is amazing. Now listening to Telephone Free Landslide Victory. Super title.

Cramped up, curled out, cooped on.

K see ya {: I. Try. Aaron, humanity, eternity, present, strength, moral. Y o Si

Me.

like I can possibly care.

So boring I am nearly unable to stand up...

I thought, I hate this... Then I thought... That's not good to think. Maybe it's not true and maybe I will believe myself. Maybe I hate myself. I thought, I love this... I think, I love myself...

Emma and I sat in the break room, barely moving or making noise. I was reading about a fictional step-mother.

I tried to talk with Kathleen about futures...

I am listening to Liars - Mess

Rock and Roll ego.

Walking back from Pleasant Hill, Endless Nonsense.

It's 5 pm. Pat is asleep. I saw him for a minute when I got home an hour ago.

Time goes so fast.

Domino is on my bed. I saw a guy with three little dogs in front of Centennial Place. Pets are a waste of time. Every capable person needs to do all he, she or ze can do.

I saw that word, 'ze', on sexplanations. One day recently I watched a bunch of those videos. Dr. Doe seems real cool.

I watched 5 or so episodes of 30 Rock last night.

Very insane in what I do.

Everything mixed up. Very blank mind.

Stupid cake eating... WAste, wastes, wasting, wasted, waster.

Apologizer.

Boner.

Screw balls.

I like didn't know who I was, where I was, what I was doing, systematic robot, you know humans.

OK.

Why does this never help?

I walked with AAron. I keep trying not to cry and sometimes I smile and lauugh...

Moon cloud tree night. Hair eyes voice words are not made of language. Language expresses words.

And all. Bears. Shawn   and    Mom...   happy   to    be    happy

forgot. Oh well

deep than a friend then a forced interaction with a frightened stranger of all not even close to you or anyone ever

Tigers broke free, took my daddy from me. Most of them dying. Already for a new transition challenge. Multi-phase 4 dimensional pursuit plastic adult toys for dead brains to smell tidy fingers afternoons exchange possum lives for free time idle angler boat feet sailing sperm ocean wisdom dike sable coat surly courier adolescent ancients redefine grains keep teeth red red hoping smiles design attract circus purpose quit quiet label nose noise shirk appliance grace greet metal hearts.

That's accurate.

Tim Fite. Chelsea and Tim Wredberg should be here sometime. Hopefully he'll bring cat litter. I can hope. I can wait. I can't hold it in... any... any... more... {: haha little boy, Scrreaaammmmssss.... Be peace.

Minnesota Dream Factory

Minnesota dream factory

car report

Blue icicles reflect swift grey clouds

arm tendons

Broken car in the road

sheer bone

Yell in the rearview mirror

bad eyes

Brakelights in the exhaustfog

fat burn

Cold water flows into nostrils

crunching bloodsnow

Guarantee on medicine bottle

seething pain

Sad baby woods prophet

new plains

Quest wheat stranger house

flood boss

Single outer hobble ditch

swine press

Operation gate at forty hours

I was preparing for a zombie apocalypse. I had an ax, but it was too heavy. I looked for a pickax. I found a long double sided limb cutter I guess. It was big but light. I swung it around and imagined I could kill zombies with it. It looked sharp. I was at a store looking for something. Vince from vitamins was there.

I am a little disappointed that I watcht porn and masturbated last night, for the first time in maybe two weeks. I am not as ashamed as I thought I would be. I thought I would be too ashamed to do it again, but I guess I've just been wasting every moment of every day, so I didn't see it as a step down or backward.

I feel distant from Aaron. I want to see him and talk with him, so that I can care more about being a better person. I have been extremely lazy. I need to get groceries, but I have put it off for three days or something. In the morning I think I'll get them at work, then at work I think I'll get them later.

I'm listening to Sufjan Stevens, Greetings from Michigan, in reverse song order starting with "Oh, God, Where Are You Now".

I thought about masturbating again a few minutes ago, touching my nipples while watching Coffeh Time. I'm really sick sometimes. I made some strong espresso, about two cups of it I guess. It's coursing through my veins.

It's beautiful music. Beautiful spirit. Jake invited me to see Boyfrendz last night. I forgot until I had passed the exit and I didn't want to go. Work is pretty dumb. Wasting almost 9 hours. Well. Money is useful I'm sure. "Money can't buy happiness... It IS happiness." - Jacky D. Oh. I did watch that last night.

Sweet boy voice... Spices... Mother... I want to find where I wrote about what Spring and Summer mean for my life.

I need to look thru my entire note spiral I guess. BASTROP STATE PARK, YOUNG BITCH, gentle love everlasting.

It's after noon. I am a question mark, body, mind... "release" Blackalicious, Saul Williams, Other guy asaain

The west coast of America.

Bill Bailey Bill Callahan Fistful Of Bills Don Cheney George Jacobs DJ Harris.

George Elliot WAS a woman. Wonder, to, too, all ways. Be a whey, weigh, down, hairb, alls. Hasboro, Haribo, Bear, Cutting, Cutey.

Lactose. Scholarly purist

Qweent ladle I-Land vill age.






Anne         .....        ost  .......     ..........   mostghosthostloastboastcoast

Just because I'm the opposite, doesn't mean that you're the truth

Just because you're not the truth, doesn't mean that you're a liar

When we go outside, we go outside for the fourth time

When we go outside, the outside speaks to us so deeply

We awake from our wakefulness, then we get sleepy

I dreamed that Pat bought me two boxes of cracklin' oat bran and they were stacked up on the shelf.

Kit, Pat, Tim and I journey through a city. We crawl along the top a fence under several overpasses. The daytime sky is completely blocked and it's dim. The land is undeveloped and covered with green plants. I see some sketchy men walking around, and I try to act like I am supposed to be there and try not to acknowledge them. We are escaping something/someone. We sneak into a large house. I think it's night. We are in the innards of the house. I hide behind some master bathroom closet wall panels, my brothers behind me. A man gets out of bed and comes into the bathroom turning on the light. I can see clearly through cracks and I am scared of being caught. The man comes right up to the wall. I try not to make any noise. Somehow I am on the other side of the wall and seen by the man. We stand still looking at each other and I try to think of what to say.
Kit and I are in the attic and we take a rope down a chute directly to the basement. We try to find a way out of the house or at least the basement. We find a way into the kitchen. It's a very old house. It's like a kitchen with a staff cook and cook's quarters. We help Tim get through a passage... It's gone from my mind.

OH DREAM

HENTAI FACEFUCK! Never ending... Oh, I have to go. I have to let it go.

I have been typing.


I listen to Life without Buildings. Should "without" be capitalized?


I had STRAANGE email exchange with Aaron. Or maybe it was average, but I feel so strange... to myself.


I am compulsively triple spacing this BIYATCH!

utt sloww
Also taking my clothes off. I need AIR I NEED SPACE I NEED LIFE I NEED TO LIVE! _{: Goash dorn I am so happpy, my beard come back, slow b - i accidently put the rest of this part at the beginnning of this paragraph.....

Everything has to be correct.


Her voice and style and words are wonderfull.


"Holding you is like the new past...."


Just  so  Perfect

Like  slam  poetry


Not even like lotus leaves.



I ate  two  toaster strudels and drank coffee


Insane.      



A girl at work made an announcement that had a rhythm to it. Reminded me of Iambic Pentameter. How people naturally talk in a pattern... it makes things easier.


Bye, I have to shower, maybe. I want to shower and eat... I'll eat eggs...


Bye

I get up early on my days off. Because of obligations, but I still like it.

You stick to me, like I am made of something sticky.

If I were made of glue, I would never come close to you.

I had such weird dreams that I feel like I didn't sleep in my bed last night.

I forgot where I was not, but I know where I was.

Molten Light is stuck so deeply in my head.


I have ASMR video on, Olivia's Kissper, hair sounds.

I am going to see if Jubilee has a new video and watch it.

I am only wearing underwear. I shaved my face, but I already typed that on this blog. I watched at least 5 episodes of 30 Rock today/tonight. I thought as I was watching, I am addicted to this. It's so difficult to face reality, I need this constant distraction, familiarity, sarcasm, silliness... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my body, sleepy.

I was thinking a lot.... I almost saw Aaron after I saw the dentist.... I got sweaty. I drove with the windows down. I listened to the Flaming Lips, trying to find the title of Pilot Can at the Queer of God... It's lovely.

I had a strange complex time at Fisherman's Park, for almost two hours. I saw a woman, who looked like she had just left work. all in black. I saw a fishing man wearing a black cast on one of his legs.


Bridgett Came over to work out with Pat. We watched the first twenty or so minutes of O Brother. And the first part of The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec... It's a weird one. Not really good weird.

I     Love      You

Good          Bye

Milky guns

Oh my God. I just listened to Kevin McDonald talk for 15 minutes and I thought he was Mark McKinney. I thought wow his voice is weird and high and fast... I am a little disappointed, but I like Kevin, and I like this interview. This will change my thoughts of the Kids, especially Kevin. I want to watch/listen to Mark now, because he's my favorite. I guess because I want to be him, because he is handsome and funny.

Canana... Nada. It's like a misty illusion. Like Heaven. Like Mom's attic. Mysteries.

GOD,

Stacy called a few minutes before I needed to leave for our appointment. She has car trouble. She is very nice.

There is nothing today. I thought I would see Pat yesterday. I like it more this way. I watch too much 30 Rock I'm sure. I love it a lot. It stopped making me laugh, and now it makes me really happy.

You - Gold Panda

Ambient. A girl called Candice and I could talk. A man named Cornelius and I made a connection. Things became real.

Well, I just saw Stacy anyway. She called about 15 minutes before our appt. I got there just in time.

It was semi-useful to talk to her... I felt a little rushed and in-genuine. I wasn't always sure what I was saying. I fell into an old pattern of speech.

I am so afraid of wasting time time now now. Repeating the dumb past.

I have to do something to change things. Change myself. I shaved my face...

I am listening to Jorge Regula... SOmething slowly sweetly beautiful incomprehensible.

True laughter. Lilting voice. Unstoppable smile. Where is she? What the heck am I doing? Why am I sitting like this? Why am I typing this?

I should eat some eggs I think I want to see Mom real bad. I thought of going to Bastrop, familiar, safe... unchallenging, masturbation, self-pity, filth, laziness to the extreme... FUNK!

Pixies! Oh lordy, I am who I was, I shall be who I shall be. Music, talking. I miss Chad. I feel obligated to Ashley. We need to turn our past time together into something useful that helps us to become who we really are.

Single Frame, SO DAMN ALONE! I am NOT INSANE. I should call Mom. I know I am desperate.

I am twenty four and almost another half a year... I need to have something real and solid when I am 25. That is the official cutoff for adults.

I have to figure things out. I hate ads so much. I mute them on Spotify.

Have to try so hard. Have to care so hard. Not about anything, but about the things I actually care about, which I won't automatically know.

There is everything left to try. Stupid words. I have been careless far too long.

All these songs are about time. We cannot comprehend it...

It's more important to think of it as life that must be lived. Live has a specific definition. Living is very different for every person.

Jesus was born again yesterday. I know how he was resurrected. SImple Math Solution really. I write it on the stone wall... All the kind white people wearing scarves and boots walk by it and glance at it, ewait, double takje... Buh, boo, I seen it all... Dun, For Now, We can kill off that species...

How do I make this?

Can we even understand?

I am not myself. I want pizza and ice cream. I want to orgasm and ejaculate so that my genitals fly off and I never see or feel them again.

I want to bite the ground. I want to be so sure that it makes me cry from purity of thought.

Empty. I used to be even better. I am beginning to believe in truth.

So Jesus God Farming Painfull P A N E F U L L Pee ee why ay why en eff ell ell ... Bust. Boom. I have to say. I have to cry... I am a lone god. I wish I were flying in the sky above the magnificent calm infinite Earth.......

Not a choice. I am being myself, mom. Be me too. I want this easineessssss

My hands are my life

I have to choose

choose life

you said it first

are you flirting with me

you want to eat a cheesy hamburger

actions take words

actions take an initiator

Where did it all come from

what is all of this

what is anything

question

i felt so strange

this is me

I have a name

I am in this body, in this time and space... whatever that means to whatever is not in time and space

Just        wow


OK

moving on

Some thots before sleep during ASMR by pigsbum53. I listened to a man sing a song on youtube. His name is Thomas Baxter. Winter in Canada. I left him a comment. There must be even lonelier people than me. There must be many people just like me, who record their thots somehow like this. And people who have made even more digital files... Where is this blog actually stored. There must be a physical space wherefrom I access these years of words. Hmmmmmmm, phisics.. Meaning, Self... Moving, electric, person, growing, learning, becoming, demanding.

Anything. I feel surges across my skin, nervousness, excitement, relaxation, resolve, humanity, conscience, ... I want to be more personal. I want to be more myself. I want to have more control... I tell Stacy that all the time. I really cannot let myself do stupid things anymore. I will own my mistakes and fix them, fix the causes... Goddamn Cornelius, we had a nice talk, he said he'll really miss me, because I am a genuine guy. I worked up the courage to thank him and talk a bit... God... I thought about why it makes me want to cry... I asked myself what the problem is. I want to know why I am afraid. I want to know why we act this way. I want to know why these things seem natural. I saw a woman and walked into the backroom at Sprouts. I felt that life was a video game. I was just too detached. This supermarket was just as ridiculous as a video game. All these orders and obstacles... Just so unquestioned... It's insane. It's a deep rut in history. I really need to go to the farms with Aaron. I just want to talk with him again. I still have to slow down. Meditation, relaxation. Reflection. Judgement. Decision. Action. I can behave how I believe. I will, will, Human Will.

God is an animal. Blood is new food. I am a gobbler of new technology. I am wishbone activist. I am scolding Teapioca Residential Manager... Waste is deep hole. Waste is a lost world. Waste is my biggest fear. Time is my most persistent antagonist. I struggle to conclude. I beat on the inner walls. Permanent. Loss. Complete defeat, scorching regret. I am positive I am ion. Hubris... Why I am I a weird word?

Correct, Simple, Turbulent, Night. After Effect, Slow Reel, Movie Excellence. Where is it gone? Why don't I...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... just can't just think. Rotten Core. I stared at Vines Today. I wondered. Jesus And Mary Chain and Dean and Foooood? Many dumb angles... Many repeated results of a failed experiment.........

Lost, lone. Woods. Perfect village wanderer. Capitalism. Parade, magazine, trash, litter, puppies, career, union job, trash cans, dumpsters, land fills, vegetable gardens, human sphincters and shit, sewers, toxic lake, human vomit, man hole, utopia. Umbilical, sever, gross, grow up, adult, develop, human Being, acknowledgment. Hula hoop, pubic bone, holly Krishna, magical specter, divine Being.

Cross imagine... Criss cross, Human Belonging... Linger... Growth Bravery surprise success. Tennis class. Human connection, human condition, Human understanding, Human discovery of human purpose, universal actuality, sunrise, new day, superhero, hurry, understand, fall away the bad habits, need the wonder, impassable beauty, uncompromising way of living in tune with the unforeseeable future, Good Is Good, what is this, where will it go, what do I do, what is good. Efficient and beneficial. Improving. Solid, steady, safe. Appreciative. Grateful. Loving. Caring. Honest. Having. Owning. Sharing. Reasonable. Kind. Motivated. Kids. Kissing. Attraction. Power. Supine. Science. Life long, lasting, open, intense, infinite, school, Process. Grind up the meat. Put it in a tube. Leaving, leaving, human, father, owner, purest protecter. Obvious, alone, surreal, above, out there, ever present, consistent. Up bouncing. Cool retard recess. Best Person to do work on this subject, a surface, a table, a lamp, a lantern, a heat energy light chemistry. I have eyes. Person seeing. Person inside. A right way. An untraveled route. Bastrop Intermediate School Athletic Field trees old neglected wooden shack, Arriving at the instant forever, sign /O, SLAP! FUSION     never the same, flowing flowing flow

The Policies of Edwin Fernuckle, LLC

a Charming Novella for the Ever-Expanding Youthful Mind

Edwin Fernuckle is born on any ordinary Monday.

Youtoob Drewawm

I find the appreantice eh crew filming an episode of table top, then I find out one their good friends died, and Corey and Sakia get a call at the sametime and start crying. His name is Andrew and he looks like Geoffrey from game of thrones. The rest of them start guessing what happened and Corey can't say, one guesses the Andrew died. I ask Corey if he wants me to tell them. He nods a little, so I say He did die.

April 18, 2014

I woke up before 7 am. Domino was buggin me. I watched two Good Mythical Mornings and Mores. I ate three scrambled eggs and vanilla granola, milk and coffee. I sang in the shower. I drove to work. No traffic. I got there 30 minutes early, sat in my car, and read some Towards Self Meaning. I had to poop, so I went in and did. I greeted Joe and Jake and Brian. I double checked my schedule. I had been worried that I was mistaken. I wasn't scheduled until 2:30, so I left. It was fun and weird to be there when I would usually be sleeping. I thought I would visit Ashley until work, but I forgot it was Friday and she was working. I texted her, then corrected myself later. I texted Mom just to let her know my mistake, and that I felt good about getting out early and it's better to live in rhythm with the day.

I drove to Wild Basin Preserve. I walked down the trail slowly, trying to look closely at the far away trees. I took some dumb pictures of myself. I sat on a bench at the vista and tried to read some Self Meaning. People came along. An old man and young girl talking loudly about camping. I was excited about interacting. I liked the girl's face. I looked at them and said Hello, the man said Howdy. An old Asian couple walked up from the other direction, I said Hello he said Hi. A group of kids with a few adults came along. I left to go to lunch at Pappadeux's with Kit, Lorena, Mom, and Jan. I said Hello to everyone I passed. I worried about the kids' education. One was playing the harmonica. I liked him. I heard someone say Is there a way to frack  for oil without doing any harm? Something like that, and I felt better that conscious caring adults were with the kids. I said Good day to the last couple I passed. They said Hi in unison, and the woman sounded weird {:

I drove for way too long. I forgot where 290 is. I got frustrated. Lunch was tense. It was good to see everyone. I did not enter into conversation. I was in a bad spot by the kitchen. It seemed loud to me. I imagined Kit seeing me and thinking I am autistic because I was uncomfortable with all the activity and socializing. The food was OK. We went to Furniture Row. Kit pointed out Emerald Tavern, a gaming cafe. Mom and talked about how familiar we are with Furniture Row and we like it. It's quiet. I walked around, thinking that Kit might be thinking I am wasting my life or I'm just waiting for my shift. I knew I was wasting my life. I could have tried to talk to them or left and read Towards Self Meaning. I got a quarter from Mom and got some Reese's Pieces. I sat in Jan's chair. I hugged her and Mom. I worked.

I saw ASMRrequests... I was so nervous my head almost exploded. I saw her son. They were both cute and got along with my new coworker, Cornelius. Her son was chasing Cornelius, and I felt like the world was perfect.

I'm listening to Daniel Johnston. He can be so sad and so sweet and simple and brilliant all at once. Haha, I remember Jad Fair's voice now...

Am I gonna change? Life is going to change. I am going to sleep. I gotta pee. I will not dwell. I will myself to excel.

I wrote, Be yourself, on the sign in sheet at Wild Basin.

Suzanne to Michele (Like I Was Young)

I like it when, my hands are messy
I like it when, my lips are never dry

I like to poop, and fill up the toilet
Gee I want, your insides inside of mine

I like it when, I am never singing
I like it when, you never say goodbye

I have, everybody's number
We're all best friends, No you may not have mine

I love you when I find you when you're lost
I make life better, because I have nothing

I ask you why, when you're building a spaceship
You say I'll die, if I ever quit

Rice and beans are a healthy alternative
to actual food, just ask my old guy

Slapping happy drunks is great exercise
But you probably won't, because you're overweight

Vernal Moon is double vision at night
Scrap your yard and get over it on a plane in sight

Local flair stops the great injustice
Silly pair of new babies and sweet loafs

Time Test

1. 10 seconds
I got 9.904 seconds

2. 30 seconds
I got 27.512

3. 1 minute
I got 1:15.891
wups

4. 5 minutes... Eech
3:58.821

I won't do this anymore... Pretty bigwaste.

All my first tries, no counting.

I'll take you and make you myself.

I gotta believe I can make it by myself.

I must remember that this is life and I am alive right now and every moment matters... Then I'll do something that I and everyone care about.

I hate porn. I hate poooorrrrrnnnn. I hate poooooorrrn!

I live in the comic book stooooooorrrrreee!!!

Cyou're my diabeteeeeeees

I troubled past and new years prostotulution.

Sooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwah, a dog shoots your face and you say I'm getting into poolitics.

I'm a dood. You're a GoBot. I play ratchet ball. You work too hard to hurdle a burly boy at the races in Greenwich.

Is it possible to overcome this diet? Am I a full human? Am I able to search deeply enough and bring up

Wheer's Peabuddy? Wheer's Buddy? Wheer's PeaBODY? Oh Emerson, you're so cute, I wanna dance on your grave. Youre like a hampster in a cage, never living, never a part of yourself.

Weer gonna live so well, you won't believe you survived the last decade and a half.

I wanna slap you like a baby. I wanna regain our homeland safety.

I'm not cured. I'm not even bacon. I have to take a huge shit, Clementine -Sarah, mercy.


The sky of the yard is alive with fly fly buggs... Doug, die, kill, maybe, baby, sorry, completely, sun brother.

Eyes and Bowels ...  Chairs are made to be indifferent.

I strongly overcome the cake. I overpower all my senses. I sense beyond my senses. I am at peace with my desire to understand what cannot be sensed.

Trilogy of Otters. Persistently Perforated Space

Taper .... Trail .... Dissipate

Red River

Only thinking occurs

The powerful, the dead, the naked (the wanting)

You are poor. You don't owe me anything.

Go ahead, when you're ready, step aboard.

Go ahead, if you love me, step aboard

Montgomery Clift is attractive. Dunson is a psychopathic murderer.

themes of empathy and constructive wise caring. Sacrifice of lives for more lives and a better way of life. Sacrifice of pride and control for respect and equality. 

I never like seein strangers. No stranger ever good news'd me. 

I love Groot. How strong is Miss Malay? Shooting at Dunson and Matt was ballsy, or clitorisy.

Difficult things made less difficult.

She said "talk" ten times in less than a minute when she found Matt in the fog. The mist on their faces was beautiful.

At The End, I raise my my arms above my head and think, I am God.

Unguided Meditation

How not to care

Be tired from food water and body.

LOUGOW - - Danielson ... Alex Ramirez ... Some one else ... R UR EYES

So Anything

I am

I try

No, I lie

Creep

Weirdo

Young Girl, young girl in love ... I never said ... I never say anything ... I can't hide this from him.

You'll see it. Don't be it ... Do your dreams

White Girl, Cannot Heavy Me Asleep Wandering Energy Transfer Blockage Host Parse Low Flow Lost Little Elves

Partially Particular about his TV and his TV dinner, sad sack sad sag sad gut sad scrotum butt

If a dick had an asshole, she said.

I am mad. I don't believe what's true. I am this. I am he. Gregory. I marry her. Sorry in Canada, Murder and Functional Specialization, prairies, poppies, sunnies, milkshakes, poutines, happy goats, organized trash, recycled lives, habitual good fortune, Asian Food Restaurant, Bamboo Straw Mats, Girl with Dark Hair and a Singing Voice, A TV turned off, Just answered all our own questions ....

PS - Why don't we have a garden yet?

Peeps, try harder, you know you want to.

Please. I love you. Full

Good Enough

Behind the bathrooms I saw you crying
You're visitors pass won't save you from dying

Every second I choose to wait
Is another bear claw in your brain

Superficially supersede selfish dreams
Seen a lot of shit or so it seems

Beautiful things and and tidy people wait in a row
Today never ends until tomorrow

God will live. Part of us is gone.
Just remember that nothing is ever forgotten

Please ask me questions I've already answered.
Please piecefully rationalize the infinitely absurd

Quotes from the half-clean bathroom wall
Teach us that one can never represent all

I ate a doughnut stuffed bagel for every meal
I wish you were a beggar too proud to steal.

Some summers leave more sun inside.
It's better to fall in love than be a bride.

My hands are stiff around your cold neck.
Growing up is harder than I could ever expect.

Sweet scents lead me into subtle sin.
Maybe you are the path where I begin.

Dude walks into bar. Asks the Bar T, Where can I get a gin rummy in this town? Bar T says "You're already here, Stupid!" Dude starts crying and runs away! Bar T turns to the other bar attenders and says,"What? His name is "Stupid"

The Rest

God wants me inside of him.

I wish I were you. When I go outside, I feel the big blue sky is you and I.

Where is Pat?

I have always known who I am. I know my name and my past. I know what I will do with the rest of me.

Indoors... life is left behind us, the rest is left ahead. We are sweetly swept through the doorway.

God, please correct me if I'm wrong.

This Life

I guess I have to say that I got it all figured out.
Or else what the hell am I gonna do right now?

This life is another way to say,
We have to fight for it every every day.

Thad

SHEDDED

Busted Boone pipes.

He leaves.

Kick him to death. He is unnamed.
He must be trusted. He must be wanted. He must be estranged.

God damn time. He should know. We should have a meeting. We need a new way to go.

Here to there should not be now and then. When should be now. Now should be always.

Hungry. Dragging, smeared, biological colors and textures.

Thad Thack struts into Dillard's wearing faded, ripped jeans, a leather studded vest, and dark sunglasses. He holds a medium Coke in a red cup with a lid and straw. He slides his sunglasses to the tip of his nose with one finger, takes a sip of Coke, and slyly peers over at the women's underwear section.

He hops on his hog and drives up the highway at sunset. He's got a girl on his brain. He swerves to try to squash a squirrel but misses. He drives by a large old tree and thinks of a picnic he had with his mother ten years ago, before she died, but he quickly stifles the memory by thinking of the drive-in diner where he wants to wolf a cheeseburger, french fries with ketchup, and a vanilla milkshake. Gangs of teens swarm on the diner to chill as night falls. Thad pops his collars and judges every one of them to be brainless and gutless. He is about to chuck his trash onto the ground and go, when he sees Stacy roll by, being driven home by her straight-laced father. Thad knows she will slip out on her bike to hit the town in less than an hour. He drops his garbage on the black asphalt and peels outta that business. The remains of the burger bleed ketchup, and a fourth of the milkshake dribbles into the cracks.

He tears down the road to the river, where the blackness envelopes lone travelers. He feels like sighing (he doesn't know why), but he burps sharply instead then thrusts wet air out of a nostril, pressing the other closed with a gloved knuckle. At the farthest picnic area by the river, there's a bonfire and twelve motorcycles scattered at the edge of the wide glow. Thad Thack nestles his ride at the end of the driveway, and as he is illuminated, he's met by whoops and shouts and slaps on the head, back, and shoulders. A reclined leather-clad young man with shaggy blonde hair throws him a six-pack of warm beer cans. Thad rips one and drops the rest. He pours the fizzing pale brew into his mouth, crunches the can in his hand, and throws it into the trees. He lays on the ground, puts his hands behind his head, and stares at the smoky stars.
He zones out and his eyes begin to water... He jumps up suddenly, raises his eyes and arms straight up, spreads his fingers to the limit, and yells something profane and thoughtless. Everyone is silent. The gathering fades. Thad drinks two more beers, and one is poured onto the hissing fire.

Thad catapults himself back into town. It's not late at all. At the park he idles and spies Betsy buying two ice cream cones. He follows her on foot, keeping far away. She gives a cone to Stacy, who is sitting by the pond and laughing with Derick. Thad hides behind a bush and peeps. Derick puts a hand on Stacy's lower back, and flames erupt in Thad's eyeballs. He breathes heavily, uncrouches, prepares to charge into unknown conflict, but before he moves off his spot, the world turns upside down, and he hurls his dinner onto the clean grass. The sound attracts everybody's attention. Chuckles fill the park. Thad lies fetally and sideways glimpses Derick take Stacy's hand and lead her away.

Thad rides to the bus station, skids to a stop, and drops his bike. He cranes his necks and scans the street as far as it goes both ways. He rests on the bench for a long time, his head in his hands, taunted by wordless thoughts and indecision. He sleeps on his back. Nothing happens. The blue yellow warm day wakes him. He gets up, cracks all his bones, and starts walking. The crotch of his jeans are damp, and there's dried vomit on his vest. He happens upon his mother's dusty graveyard. He stops and squints at graves behind a chain link fence. He wants another girl. He needs to eat.

Thad Thack steps into Grossman's Pharmacy and spends 2.50 on a chocolate bar and Pepto Bismol.
His feet ache. He wanders into the park, sits, and watches ducks. He never changes. He sighs forcefully and loudly. No one else is there. Sunlight beats on his flesh. He whips out his wallet on a chain. He counts his crisp ones. He has fourteen. He skips toward the highway tossing his bills like confetti. He has totally forgotten about his motorcycle. He bought it used a week ago with money he stole from his aunt two towns over. He sticks out his crooked thumb. Eighteen-wheelers fly by, almost blowing him over. The highway air is dry, his eyes even dryer. Thad Thack blacks out from dehydration. The few drivers who notice his body lying by the road just assume he's supposed to be there and think no more.

Back story:

Thad showed up unannounced at his aunt's house. They had a good relationship, but she was worried that he and his dad had a bad fight. He hung around her for a couple of days and learned enough to withdraw two thousand dollars from her bank account. He had worked with a landscaping crew job to job and saved six hundred dollars cash. He didn't say anything to his father, didn't leave a note, just left on a bus. The nine years since his mother died, living with his father in a shack, going to a dumb school, and working to eat and party, had been long and full of spite, regret, grief, envy, delusion, and boredom.

Sounds sad, don"t it? He breaks it all. He breaks himself. He becomes a piece of the rubble of the landscape of his society. That's how we do. It could be better.

keepp....

bbbbbb

Slacker Drifter Email Aaaron Lonergan

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Ohs. Pop. loom, boom, with, wish, creep, crease, weep, dish, arrive, plead, won't you, Will, Now, Please, Appease, GOD, oh please, Keep...

Candlewind

I found everyone to be quite boring,
so I wrote a silly story.
It involved two gay men watching each other
fall apart on a candlewind.

I found the whole world to be quite boring,
so I tried writing nothing.
Let's just try to cancel plans.
Let's just try to cancel plans before we make them.

Let's sit outside and watch the wind
blow people past our candle stand.
Men fall over end to end,
burning shorter till they can't,
all extinguished by the wind.

Furtheron

I'm listening to Bill Murray by Phantogram. I woke up at 6 from a carnival of dreams. Now I'm listening to Come and See by Protomartyr. I heard it on KVRX after work driving on 2222 to Jan's. I love the chaos... I meant chorus... {: make a me happyer e'ery day... dairy err... blair evanssss.... Arbucks,,,,,, vluck.

Nuthin'. Some huys masturbated in a sort of movie in my dream and one guy masturbated a horse, they all ejaculated. Oh he ejaculated instead of the horse. Mom later asked me to check the sink (in her house), I figured she meant to check it for semen and I was a little embarrassed. Thankfully it was clean. but there were some pans on the counter and a puddle of some white stuff that looked like cinnamon roll frosting, but I assumed it was semen, so I covered it with parchment paper... I was at a gate outside, mom and others went inside, I was stuck outside. There was a hole where men were supposed to put their canes thru and collect them on the other side. I figured I could slip thru it and and join the rest, it was wide and thin, and I put a cane thru to balance myself and slipped thru perfectly. I happily joined Mom then wrote an advertisement for myself as a comedian. I write Boffo! with an upside down ! at the start. I drew a face. I wrote The Best Comic of age 24. I wanted to write Best Comic under 18 or 18 or under, but then I remembered my real age and asked mom how old I was.  .... Tim showed me his video game. I was complex 2D maybe 32 pixels it had a multilayer world map on an island, the game looked just like an old mario, playing as mario, but in in 3 dimensions. he made link one of the enemies.

Now it's almost 7. I;m listening to Twin Peaks by surfer blood.

Combination: Living in my family's decisions, warm weather, bad food, aloneness, internet, silly far away job, fearful wishful surreal dreams, old tv old structures old blankets... I feel I am living the past and I am someone else...Nothing is anything by itself, nothing is same after you think about it...

Two cocks by Lower dens. Kit should be here in two hours and we should be in bastrop in three hours... So Fast, So Soon. Float On... I want to make a table game called Outgrow with totally unique unrepeatable mechanics... So painful to be myself? Or be with myself? By myself? Our perpetual throats. I may call my space story Furtheron.


. .

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It's almost too mucking fuch. Ha, I got away with evil words!

No one is here, here, or here.

I am always alone. Everyone is. Alone together.

Do a friend a favor.

I have less than 30 minutes until I shall leave for work. Lower Dens are Bad ASS!! {: hehe, SXSW affects me slightly.

jake, agent cooper with a patchy mustache finding jacques renault in my dream

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You're so much like yourself, that I don't even know anyone else.

What Where Why

What can I do-oooo-oooo

I have thought about you... too much... today

Where can I go-oooo-oooo

where I will want... to... stay


I know exactly how to save my life

It's so easy, I just don't... know why, I haven't tried it before


Or is it just meeeeeee, meeeeeee, meeeeee.... just me, why, oh why... Damn, I can...

I'm alone, and all I want... is the YouTube survivors.

We have survived on YouTube till now...

I'm alive! ... and all I want is to live...

Am I done... I believe, not by a long shot...

So, there you go

I dreamed that Pat Tim and I sat somewhere and I told them my dreams from earlier in my dream.Tim timidly said he dreamed he and Ashley were doing it and then adult cream, his way of saying semen. He didn't finish the sentence, and I saw a mat or something on the floor in front of me and it had different colors written on it and I guessed Orange? and He agreed, so his semen had been orange, but it wasn't disgusting, just a little uncomfortable, and I thought of orange cream, like desserts.

I went to the library and saw Stacy. On the way I knew it would be hard. It was even harder than I thought. I couldn't speak for a few minutes. I kept crying and trying to talk, say anything, but my throat was so tight and I just had to try to breathe. I just decribed things. The trouble comes when I try to explain things I don't understand, especially myself.

I felt all right at the end. My eyes were salty. I drove back to the library. I rolled the car windows down. I went in and talked to Kathleen, thanked her for recommending me, said I am excited about the temp job. I felt very good about doing that. Not just that hopefully Kathleen appreciated it and it could help me land the job, but just to be in control and to follow thru with a good idea and for it to go well.

I read a page of Self-Meaning. It is turning me inside out, as I put it in a text to Aaron. Yesterday, I wanted to say, 'Life is weird' to Chad, but didn't. Then he said to me, Daylight savings time is weird... so I said Life is weird in general, he agreed. Then I said I'm going on lunch, and he said, On that note.. I'm gonna go ponder. I said yeah.

I ate some stuff. I look forward to going back to Bridgett's apartment. I should shower in a minute. I need to leave for work in about an hour. I am not boring. I have about three more days of being alone in the apartment. I see Kit and Mom in two days, on my day off. It's so easy to waste time by doing a job. I don't even want to call it work. Work is supposed to be good. I'm just playing along with tradition to survive.

I'm listening HSPTL by open mike eagle. It's kooky and lovely.

All the paragraphs start with I, Oh Well, Bye, Myself... I'll be you again.

Crazy Late Morning Dreams

Jake, chad and i are closing. In the back, jake calls me to the chip corner. He kneels at a uboat with some boxes. He says that me and Joe need to stop leaving before all the work is done, leaving it for the rest of them. He is upset. His face is angry. He says I went from Kaitlyn to Kate. I think he means which girl I flirted with, or maybe just moving from one checkout line to another. Kaitlyn is the small pretty blonde, who jake is interested in. I don't remember saying much to her. I don't who kate is. I think she may be the black girl, but I don't want to say that becuz it sounds offensive. I ask him who Kate is. He seems confused and more upset. Chad thinks its funny that I ask, like they all think I do know. Jake and I walk off into an airport or something. We sit down at a Mcdonalds. He is moody and I talk to cheer him up. I say, how can you be sad, we're in a mcdonalds and the world is grey. Outside a window it looks grey. I start to ask if he wants a chocolate shake and fries, but really I do, but I'm ashamed so I rethink it. There is a passed out girl, some guys are joking about her or violating her. Then we're in the middle bedroom at Mom's. Guys ejaculate on the girl. Then she's awake, she likes it. A lot of semen puddles around her, but in a pleasant cartoon way. Then we're on a beach at the edge of the water. There is a chubby guy laying in the water being ejaculated on. I somehow got onto a gay porn website. Now I'm at a computer, desperately closing tabs, like someone just walked in. the computer is slow and there are pop ups.

At night, Pat and I, maybe others, drive down a long driveway in the country near bastrop. Pat doesn't know where we're going, but I recognize the area and say we're going to the new Bastrop Opera House, and I've been here once for a school something. It is green and hazy outside. Then we see a big stone sign saying bastrop opera house, and he believes me and I feel validated. We pull up to a cool dark disney-castle-like mansion. Everyone is dressed victorian style. I have a huge fanlike object, like for fanning oneself. But it is a camera. I think about how to use it, where to point it. I am eating it too, it may be chocolate. I have two. I try to take a picture of Pat and Mom and others walking down stairs, lots of colors in their clothes. I don't get it. It is hard to walk down the stairs, they get very narrow, something is written on one, like 'don't step here.' I feel like I'm in heels. Near the front we see a photo of Ashley and some family. She is holding her bare belly a little puffed out like she's pregnant becauze she is. I wonder aloud what she'll look like at nine months. Pat explains that in couple months when she's six months, she'll have a big round belly. I remember and talk about a joke she put on facebook telling Rand Paul he'd better help take care of their baby. Rand paul responded by saying he'd do everything he could to help. I decided it really was rand paul's baby. I joked with pat about him telling the press he did not have sexual relations with that woman, ashley. That it'll be weird that we know that woman. There was some mission or game, like a mystery at the opera house, but all this talk was outside, becauz it is like a ren fest. We don't do or look at anything, just walk and talk. We realize we're at the end then decide to turn around and take part.

Some things have changed me again. Chronological order does not matter to me here. It is late night. I have been at the apartment for almost an hour. I threw away weeks of Domino's waste. I spent a while at Bridgett's apartment. I fed the pets. I had a tickle in my penis, and I thought I was going to poop. I tried to pee, but nothing came out and it stung so much. I just kept crying. I actually frowned too, because the pain, the attention I gave to it, and the reasons for it made me sad. I thought it was just from using moisturizer to masturbate and getting it in my penis, but I got over that initial stinging. I realised tonight that eating and drinking really irresponsibly probably affects my peeing. I think I was dehydrated. I drank a glass of water and another glass of about a fourth cranberry juice and the rest water. I found a bottle of All Cranberry in Bridgett's fridge, and I figured she wouldn't notice some missing. On the note she wrote that I could have the nut balls in the fridge and that they look like turds. They are chocolatey and taste all right.

I am trying to have good posture. I'm not trying hard. My body tingles and aches. I think I might have diabetes. I think it is strongly possible. I am listening to Morning Phase, because it is quiet. I was going to type, "I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor". That is 25 or 6 to 4. What does that mean?

I tried to meet Ashley tonight, but she said she was too tired to do anything, so I did not go to her apartment. I imagined spooning her in my bed. I have to see Stacy Tuesday. No pizza rolls will be wonderful... or some appropriate work. I am sitting back on my bed in a very bad posture. Why is my instinct bad? Who is everyone? My back can't support itself, just like me.

I listened to an NPR show about American side show folk. It was amazing. A woman born with no legs was sold into the circus as a child. She had a good attitude.
- Suddenly very sleepy. I brushed my teeth.-
Some other circus women were interviewed. The program mentioned black people involved in circuses. I thought of The Bluest Eye. It seems like mythology but 100% true.

Also I heard a guy tell his story of having a twisted colon and almost dying. As I sat on Bridgett's toilet and cried due to a burning incapacity to urinate, I looked at my hands and arms, at the pores and scratches, and I re-realized that I have a vulnerable mortal body, and my actions have consequences. I sang a song in which I repeated "I just realised..." many times in a few evolving variations. First "realised" was three syllables then two. It sounded like "Adjust real eyes." At the end, I sang, "... that I'm alive." I think it's a good song. Suspenseful and rewarding, at least for me. So things are slow.

I listened to James' Song from Twin Peaks a couple times just a bit ago. I posted it on facebook. Dumb website for me. I remember last week I was obseesed with Paul F Tompkins. Lots of things are accidents. Sometimes life is better that way, but usually not. We need to mean what we do.

So much... so less... so better... I better... I. Peeing tons of joy and tears.

Where does it end... How late will I be awake... How much shame can I feel... How much of the silly earth can I change... People of earth... What can I do best... Ellipses instead of question marks. I am afraid to ask. No one will answer. I have to answer myself.

Bye Now, By Now, Be Now

Yesters

I work at a hotel place/store. I do stuff. I move a cart a little. There are people. Girl work, talk. Lady tree indoors, raise ceiling, ten feet, grow wide, boss.............

The whale is stuck in jail
The snail is posting bail
The kale is overgrown
The mail is on the phone
The tone is off the rail
The cone is full of shale
The bone is never shown
The cone is in the zone

Dam

Pat and I walk in a large remote park alone. There are small trees and shrubs, it's cloudy, we're in a clearing. He picks up huge rocks and throws them at me for fun, like he wants to force me to move out of the way. It really bothers me. He tries to hit me, throwing fast. I worry that I may not dodge them all. He almost hits me in the knee and the head. The rocks must weigh 30 pounds. I have some kind of small animal on me, like a monkey companion, who I also have to protect.

A man like a professor, like freakonomics, sits at a desk booth thing among objects. I go to him, the space is vague, white. The are some people sitting around some stuff waiting. He asks me questions and does a little experiment. He tells me to forget about all tense, like future. I say I'll just focus on camping tents. He smiles at my pun and says Good joke or something but I see pity in his face. He pours mayo from one jar into another on a shelf. He asks if there's anything other than mayo in it. I say I thought I heard a paper fall into the mayo, but that I think he tricked me. He says I can search thru the mayo. Somehow I associate tense with paperclip, maybe it's tin. He seems like David Foster Wallace. I say there is only mayo and I imagined a paperclip. I tell him I really want to get this right. He says nothing. There are no right answers, he just waits to see my reaction and my ingenuity. There's another experiment when he asks me if I understand by seeing or feeling emotion, is it sensible or intelligible. I say I like to be excited about life. The last experiment is about an old story about an actress who had her big toe cut off. I can't figure it out and I give up and walk away.

I meet Pat. We're in Mom's backyard. He did the experiments too. He tells me about the actress who lost a toe, named Frances B. He succeeded at that part. He teases me for not knowing and slices across the top of my right big toe with a serrated knife, it stings and I'm upset. I try to get away. He laughs and slices again in the same spot. I feel the teeth run along the broken skin. I see a red line across my toe but blood's not coming out.

Wake up scared, make a noise, and toe feeling exposed and tender.

A Poem to Amass in Her Bowels

Don't get a hysterectomy unless it saves your life!

Life grows in you!

You poop joy every day!

Gut-curdling smells are unique and heavenly.

Stop the stomach contents from spewing out your nostrils!

Human organs juggle the chemicals shuffling through space.

Secure your dangling cellular tissues tightly and squeeze the life into yourself!

Shit your body-at-this-time out of the vortex of dark matter!

Retrain your vision on the curious shapes that conspire all around you!

Sell your bladder on the black market.

Burn the house on the farm for insurance.

I stopped loving time.

I crept backwards and found the love deceiving me.

Askew aural prejudice damages our delight, then we fight.

Quick, beat the tortoise to the finish.

Shame won't quit. I'm too ashamed to quit.

Push, push, push, sow sticky hormonal fluid into the crumbly crust!

Reap the baby!

It's enough to be necessary and to feel the heat.

Change Eyes!

I god-damnit jesus-shitting masturbated a few hours ago, and I now I got a tickle in my penis. It's annoying, but it's more annoying that I let myself look at porn and aroused myself.

I was watching Friend Zone. It's still playing on mute.

Yesterday was Tuesday, I volunteered at the library, and I thought This is good (good for me). Work was hard. I ate pizza rolls like I planned. I watched the premier of season two of Twin Peaks; I forgot it is an hour and a half. I like it quite a bit.
When I think of it in Aaron terms, it feels like a waste of time, like a step into a grave. That image pleases me though. It feels like slapping a suffering person in the face. Like I think, "You're life might get better. Someone else can help you, or you can help yourself. My life is great, so I'm just going to do this, because I want to and I feel like it will make my life more complete, but it won't."

I went to Mom's library today, because she wanted to give me Watership Down audio book to give to Tim.

I talked to Aaron on the phone about Tim moving out maybe in May and about futures. He wants me to find a better job or read Improving Moral Decision Making.

I don't want to die? I want to live my full life, like there is some kinda shape in the future that I should fill by making good decisions? What is music speaking to? What does music say to us? Why do we make music? What do we want? Life! When do we want it? Forever. There is some kinda of recording device outside of nature (everything) that makes everything eternal; nothing can be undone or forgotten.

What are we? Exactly what we experience. We must be aware. We must acknowledge the truth. We must take part in creating what is. We must sustain logical progression. We must define ourselves and our context. We must pull ourselves out of the inside and put everything inside ourselves.

I mean it. I don't know what it means. I want to try to be actual and live actually. I want to use life and be of use.

I should apply to Tuesday morning... Dad... Deb... Dead... Daid... Shed... Sabe... Eff... Deaf... Left... Crest... Best... Lest... West... Nest... I am correct... I shall be a beaver... I shall believe the toast of many underlings behaving sorrily toward the highest pleasure and relive the science given in praise of total sincerity.

BI! -GregBerg