Change Eyes!

I god-damnit jesus-shitting masturbated a few hours ago, and I now I got a tickle in my penis. It's annoying, but it's more annoying that I let myself look at porn and aroused myself.

I was watching Friend Zone. It's still playing on mute.

Yesterday was Tuesday, I volunteered at the library, and I thought This is good (good for me). Work was hard. I ate pizza rolls like I planned. I watched the premier of season two of Twin Peaks; I forgot it is an hour and a half. I like it quite a bit.
When I think of it in Aaron terms, it feels like a waste of time, like a step into a grave. That image pleases me though. It feels like slapping a suffering person in the face. Like I think, "You're life might get better. Someone else can help you, or you can help yourself. My life is great, so I'm just going to do this, because I want to and I feel like it will make my life more complete, but it won't."

I went to Mom's library today, because she wanted to give me Watership Down audio book to give to Tim.

I talked to Aaron on the phone about Tim moving out maybe in May and about futures. He wants me to find a better job or read Improving Moral Decision Making.

I don't want to die? I want to live my full life, like there is some kinda shape in the future that I should fill by making good decisions? What is music speaking to? What does music say to us? Why do we make music? What do we want? Life! When do we want it? Forever. There is some kinda of recording device outside of nature (everything) that makes everything eternal; nothing can be undone or forgotten.

What are we? Exactly what we experience. We must be aware. We must acknowledge the truth. We must take part in creating what is. We must sustain logical progression. We must define ourselves and our context. We must pull ourselves out of the inside and put everything inside ourselves.

I mean it. I don't know what it means. I want to try to be actual and live actually. I want to use life and be of use.

I should apply to Tuesday morning... Dad... Deb... Dead... Daid... Shed... Sabe... Eff... Deaf... Left... Crest... Best... Lest... West... Nest... I am correct... I shall be a beaver... I shall believe the toast of many underlings behaving sorrily toward the highest pleasure and relive the science given in praise of total sincerity.

BI! -GregBerg