A Diary Entry Blog Post

It's December 20, 2016.

It's very early.

I woke about 3:30 am.

I'm listening to "Sleeping Lessons" Spotify radio.

I feel pretty good.

I'm kind of tense.

I wonder if spelling and grammar are equally important.

I wonder if I'll ever read another person again.

I wonder if I'll ever shower again.

I wonder what I'll do today.

I wonder what exactly I should do.

I don't feel stupid listening to Arcade Fire.

I love them.

I want to read Crime and Punishment.

I feel bad for disappointing Aaron by not reading the books I began.

God is very confusing to me.

Free will and temptation are too.

I want to eat breakfast with Mom today.

We will both drink black coffee... from K-cups.

I yawned and slid my water.

The metal and wood made a sound.

Excuse me.

66.6%! (: im drunk

Condiments such as iceberg lettuce and freedom of speech.

I did not do what I thought I'd do.

I want to sleep for two hours starting now.

I think I slept between 5 and 6 hours last night.

I have paced a lot today.

It's - It was about 3:30 pm I think, then I got distracted,

and now it's about 4:20.

I decided I do not want to sleep until tonight.

I listened to music for a while.

I have read a tiny bit.

I dug up an ant hill.

I washed dishes.

I drank white russians and used up the Kahlua.

Aaron called, and he invited me to shop with him tomorrow.

It'll be good to get away.


I ask again, why does this hurt so much?

I was just lying in bed trying to relax and tears came out of my eyes.

I was scrolling thru facebook a bit ago.

It seems everything is wrong and everyone is wrong.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know why it's so hard to read and eat vegetables.

It feels like I have put myself in a situation

where being awake is unbearable.

We ate pepperoni rolls.

It's not really hard to do what I know I should do.

I don't know what stops me or why I stop myself and just kill time

and do dumb stuff instead.

Some things are easier.

I want to do what is easiest.

But then I think I am worthless and I hate myself and I do not want to live,

then that becomes the most difficult thing I ever deal with.

I keep thinking, eventually everything will die, all matter will freeze.

Why try to keep anything going or try to change anything?

I have no idea what I will be after I die.

I do not know if I will die.

I think I basically know nothing.

Why do I care if life or eternity is full of pain or joy?

What is "good"? What is "bad"?

What is "something"? What is "nothing"?

I drank alcohol.

I ate bread and cheese.

I listened to some words from Aaron's body?

I made some sounds; he understood words.

We drove on a busy road.

We saw children.

We saw shapes and colors.

We felt blood in our skin and muscles.

We felt the rumbling car and wind.

We felt heat and cold.

I felt like I might vomit.

I thought of semen and female tongues and lips.

I thought of American zoos and 30 Rock and boobs.

I thought of starving black babies.

I thought of open wounds and blood and pus

and maggots and worms and decay.

Tears roll down my cheeks again.

I hear punk guitars.

I hear snare and bass drum and cymbal.

I think of fresh green cabbage.

I think of rain.

I need to shit.