how to feel good

I frustrate and disappoint myself more and more.

Pizza and masturbation.

I decided I didn't want to masturbate.

I ate half of a large pepperoni pizza.

I was so excited to be alone, especially to be away from Aaron for at least a day.

I do not know how to think clearly or effectively.

I think I should read.

I am afraid that Aaron is a bad person and is bad for me.


Today I was trying to read Music That Is Soundless and did a bit.

I listened to Sun Kil Moon while I tried to read.

He made me much happier, even though his songs are so sad.

I took a two hour walk yesterday at dawn. At first I listened to Sun Kil Moon, and I cried at Carissa. It is sad because it is true.

It makes me happy because Mark is telling his absolute truth, in detail.

I wish I were a pretty person. I wish I did things to my face to make people happy when they saw it.

I think I truly wanted Aaron to die, so I could relax more.

I want to figure out what I should think about and what I should do.

I guess my only goal, before I sleep at the right time tonight, is to read Music That Is Soundless, in the order that it is written.

I've been listening to a band called Surive for the past hour or so.

When I was reading Music That Is Soundless this afternoon, I was skipping around, back and forth, through the pages and paragraphs.

Reading out of order might be better than not at all.

I can read random sentences, until I have read it all.

I barely understand or remember when I read in order, anyway.

It is so fun and relaxing to do everything badly and wrong.

I am happy for no reason, other than I can be.

I want to blow up and burn.

I really want to know what Evil is and why it exists.

I really want to know what I am.

I really want to create myself.

I want to love myself and everyone unconditionally and eternally.

I want to watch youtube now, bye.