My Name Is Abdul Muhammed [ voice recording ]

I'm a German Spaniard from South Africa teaching middle schoolers in Kansas about Jesus Christ Our Lord and Saviour. I can't wait till Christmas, 'cuz I don't have to see these kids for two more weeks.

And now I'm leaving home again to drive to the liquor store for a bottle of Chablis. I'm gonna share it with my beautiful wife, whose name happens to be Sharon, my wife. And... we have grown one beautiful son. His name is Eric, and he killed himself last year.

But I feel OK, because I bought a hunting videogame from Wal-Mart yesterday, and I just got to Level 8; I shot an elephant in the face. My name is Abdul Muhammed. My name is Abdul Muhammed, and I'm a Muslim, but I can't be your friend. I'm a Muslim, but I can't be your friend.

It happens to be Saturday. Nothin' matters. That's just what I say. Nothin' matters, but that's just what I say. I listen to the radio. I listen to the birds on the porch.

My wife calls me. She says, "This is important."
I say, "What's wrong, honey?"
She says, "Can you drive to the Home Depot and get me a package of sealing foam. We've got a little problem at the house."

I hung up the phone and did everything. I thought about a boy I know named Jimmy. He's 13 years old. He seems pretty sad, but he collects himself rather well. He's got short blonde spiky air, and he dresses like a football fan.

I think about how nice it'll be to go to Heaven finally.

I think about how nice it'll be to go to Heaven, finally.

And then I get home, and I see my wife, and we talk a little, and I hug her and kiss her and think about maybe we'll have sex tonight. But her tubes aren't tied, and I don't know if we have any condoms left. And I don't know, if we have any condoms left.

We just gotta try to make it through tonight.

We just got to try to make it through, tonight.
....

I hope you had a good night's sleep.

I hope you had a good night's sleep.

I hope you stick around. I'm gonna make eggs and hash browns.

How do you like your eggs?
...

How do you like your eggs?
...

How do you like my eggs?


The End

My name is Abdul Muhammed!