Diary, The Beast in Me

We saw Captain Fantastic last night.

I love that movie.

I am low energy right now.

The past three days, I was very anxious and sad, among other feelings.

I am listening to the album Throbbing Pouch by Wagon Christ.

I love that band name. I mean band as in Musical Artist or Musical Artists.

I am having a cup of black coffee.

I had a cup of black coffee with honey at Galaxy Cafe yesterday.

Yesterday I read a little from Chapter 20, Special Transcendent Knowledge, of Insight by Bernard Lonergan. I also read a page of Stuff by Joy Williams, in the New Yorker, which may be my favorite periodical after National Geographic Magazine.


Anyway, what I really want to share is this:

I thought of the daughters in Captain Fantastic and if I were their father, Ben.

I want to fuck them so badly.

I love their red hair.

I believe the physical desirability of those two actors was a major factor in casting them.

I thought of raping them and brainwashing them with orgasms, so that they are obsessed only with fucking me, cumming and making me cum.

The thoughts aroused me intensely, like right now... I love Beck {:

But, I felt intensely shameful and sad about these thoughts of Rape and Incest.

I told myself, I cannot sincerely or honestly want to rape or defile anyone. I should not be turned on by these thoughts and fantasies. I should not have these fantasies. I do not want these disgusting and dehumanizing thoughts and fantasies. I have watched SO much porn. I think I am funda-mentally broken, but hopefully I am not beyond repair.

Is that an incorrect or improper use of the word "hopefully?"



I am watching Austin news. I love the anchor Shelton. Sorry... it's the other Black guy. His name is Brandon. I love him.

I still think of killing myself often.

I am still almost always uncomfortable in my Body.

I am the Body of Christ.

Reality is the mystical Body of Christ, The Father The Son The Holy Ghost

Good bye.