H a b i t s

I am not doing well


I keep going back to porn.


I keep thinking about masturbating and coming.


I keep fantasizing about getting a blowjob from a girl I know or a prostitute.


I keep going back to ASMR.


I keep eating bad food.


I keep wasting time.


I keep being lazy.

I keep giving up.

I keep not caring.


I like Yvette ASMR. She is calm and relaxing.


I don't want to try to talk to Anna today.


I drank too much alcohol today.


I don't want to buy wine for Aaron today. Also I do not want to disappoint him.


I started designing a table top role playing game yesterday. It's kind of fun to make stuff up and try to figure out how it could work. I like the ideas I put down and the map I drew.


I want to go out today. I slept quite a bit. I masturbated twice to porn today. I spent a while yesterday lying in bed watching porn on my phone.


I want to take the recycling to the school's bins.


Aaron is coming over in an hour and a half.


I guess I will go to Spec's after I take the recycling.


I thought about doing laundry. I don't want to. I don't care enough to do it.


I watched and listened to some commentaries on Better Caul Sall season 1. Also watched some making of shhtuff.

I want to see Anna and find out if I gave her my correct number and if she wants to set a time and place to talk and spend more time together. I want to get her number and email.

I thought that it is possible that she is slutty and wants to blow me and have sex a lot. I was disappointed and excited by that. I wondered if she might be forceful and how I would react.


The last few talks with Aaron, when he was buzzed on wine, have often been even more uncomfortable and exhausting for me than other talks with him. They have been exciting also.

I found myself disliking how he talked after drinking a few glasses of wine.

I am still put off by other people's self-confidence. I think my self-confidence is still low. I don't trust anyone. I don't believe anything. I don't know anything other than my thoughts.

I think, "This keyboard feels smooth. My hands feel uncomfortable. My past went fast and was mostly empty. I do not think there is a past or future. My leg is sore. I want to fall asleep and have a beautiful long dream and wake up and remember it all and feel energetic and pain-free and strong and smart and fast and beautiful."


The End, Baby.


P.S. I am going to cry. It feels right. I am going to explore and claim myself. I can carry you. I am going to die. I exist beyond time. I am playing in your hair follicles. You are wiggling like a pig. I am throwing you into battle on a distant crazy planet.

Good Bye

God be with you and me. Let us be God. Let us know all.


P.P.P.S. I keep popping my neck or trying to. I put my hand on my chin and twist my neck. It's frustrating when it doesn't pop. It's frustrating when I remember I did not want to do it anymore and I did not stop myself because I was somehow unable or unwilling to think or remember. I want to put wristbands on my wrists to remind myself not to try to pop my neck. Maybe they can remind me not to do any of of my bad habits with my hands. I should not touch my face. Maybe my skin would get clearer.

In middle school, after school, I hung out with a guy who had weights on his wrists, because they helped him not pull out his hair.

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