This is dangerous. I am jacked super high on espresso. Latte. I keep thinking of a porn video called Unbelievable throatfuck. The girl in it is really pretty... but I'd rather die than let myself degrade humanity for all eternity by watching it again... I almost did though. I turned on tim's computer and typed it in, then I thanked the internet for not connecting. It saved me. I plugged in my laptop intending to watch it, but I opened the blinds on my window and looked at a national geographic photo on my wall of a rural Chinese mother holding her daughter and it made me happy and I sort of laughed and walked out of the room, thankful again.

I am watching Polaris Friend Zone. One of the guests made me smile with his words, but now I am going to turn it off and listen to more Zammuto...

Last night... I listened to the Books and searched them online. I found out about Zammuto and watched a short documentary called Shape of Things to Come. I super duper enjoyed it. I listened to them on Spotify. I had seen the album cover because Anthony Fantano reviewed the album. I love it. Love it.

I laid on my bed listening rather closely, relaxing deeply...I felt quite tired when I got up. Pat and I watched Breaking Bad, robbing a train. 

I need to shit and shower... Of course. Need to know.

I was telling myself that I have to watch that porn video to get over it, to overcome... that felt wrong, so I thought I should think of what I want or what I feel rather than just tell myself what I need to do. Yesterday, I thought of telling Pat that I can't do anything I want to do. It is all wrong. In the car... FRUSTRATING VACATION PLANS ASKING OFF FROM WORK. I was so goddamn tense... I wanted to tell Pat that It seems everything he thinks is wrong yet he wants to tell me what to do.

Listening to the Books again. It rained a lot last night. I pulled my blinds up to watch the weather. I stood on the balcony for a bit and thought that it was such a good idea. I really don't want to ask for days off, but I will. I'll do it for Pat and Mom, we talked about it after we ate at Cherry Creek Catfish Co. I didn;t know what to say, I said I didn't really want to go. Everything was fried, Pat said. 

I sent Aaron a text around 830 and got no response. Thinking about Paramount summer classic movies, Charlie Chaplin...

Do it to better the entirety.

Is it real... What can be not real? Everything is atoms or dark matter, or potentiality or God.

They say, you think too much, that's because there's work that you don't wanna do. The last thing I listened to yesterday was Work by Lou Reed and John Cale.

I want to get ready for work.

I watched youtoobs this morning. I read a few sentences each of Toward Self Meaning and Improving Moral Decision Making. Aaron told me he got a book that Christmas. He said the title would be funny. I guessed that it was "Stop Wasting Your Life, You Stupid Idiot!" 

Hm, Good bye then