Some things have changed me again. Chronological order does not matter to me here. It is late night. I have been at the apartment for almost an hour. I threw away weeks of Domino's waste. I spent a while at Bridgett's apartment. I fed the pets. I had a tickle in my penis, and I thought I was going to poop. I tried to pee, but nothing came out and it stung so much. I just kept crying. I actually frowned too, because the pain, the attention I gave to it, and the reasons for it made me sad. I thought it was just from using moisturizer to masturbate and getting it in my penis, but I got over that initial stinging. I realised tonight that eating and drinking really irresponsibly probably affects my peeing. I think I was dehydrated. I drank a glass of water and another glass of about a fourth cranberry juice and the rest water. I found a bottle of All Cranberry in Bridgett's fridge, and I figured she wouldn't notice some missing. On the note she wrote that I could have the nut balls in the fridge and that they look like turds. They are chocolatey and taste all right.

I am trying to have good posture. I'm not trying hard. My body tingles and aches. I think I might have diabetes. I think it is strongly possible. I am listening to Morning Phase, because it is quiet. I was going to type, "I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor". That is 25 or 6 to 4. What does that mean?

I tried to meet Ashley tonight, but she said she was too tired to do anything, so I did not go to her apartment. I imagined spooning her in my bed. I have to see Stacy Tuesday. No pizza rolls will be wonderful... or some appropriate work. I am sitting back on my bed in a very bad posture. Why is my instinct bad? Who is everyone? My back can't support itself, just like me.

I listened to an NPR show about American side show folk. It was amazing. A woman born with no legs was sold into the circus as a child. She had a good attitude.
- Suddenly very sleepy. I brushed my teeth.-
Some other circus women were interviewed. The program mentioned black people involved in circuses. I thought of The Bluest Eye. It seems like mythology but 100% true.

Also I heard a guy tell his story of having a twisted colon and almost dying. As I sat on Bridgett's toilet and cried due to a burning incapacity to urinate, I looked at my hands and arms, at the pores and scratches, and I re-realized that I have a vulnerable mortal body, and my actions have consequences. I sang a song in which I repeated "I just realised..." many times in a few evolving variations. First "realised" was three syllables then two. It sounded like "Adjust real eyes." At the end, I sang, "... that I'm alive." I think it's a good song. Suspenseful and rewarding, at least for me. So things are slow.

I listened to James' Song from Twin Peaks a couple times just a bit ago. I posted it on facebook. Dumb website for me. I remember last week I was obseesed with Paul F Tompkins. Lots of things are accidents. Sometimes life is better that way, but usually not. We need to mean what we do.

So much... so less... so better... I better... I. Peeing tons of joy and tears.

Where does it end... How late will I be awake... How much shame can I feel... How much of the silly earth can I change... People of earth... What can I do best... Ellipses instead of question marks. I am afraid to ask. No one will answer. I have to answer myself.

Bye Now, By Now, Be Now