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• Gregory      

Your counselor is

Carnell Colebrook-Claude

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 From you

What is your gender?
male

How old are you?
27

What is your relationship status?
Single

Have you ever been in counseling or therapy before?
Yes

How would you rate your current physical health?
Poor

How would you rate your current sleeping habits?
Fair

How would you rate your current eating habits?
Poor

Are you currently experiencing overwhelming sadness, grief, or depression?
No

Are you currently experiencing anxiety, panic attacks or have any phobias?
Yes

Are you currently experiencing any chronic pain?
No

Are you currently employed?
No

Do you consider yourself to be spiritual or religious?
Yes

Do you have any problems or worries about intimacy?
Yes

What is your orientation?
Not sure

Are you currently taking any medication?
No

Are you currently suicidal?
No

How often do you drink alcohol?
Weekly

Who referred you to BetterHelp?
Saw a social media post

Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite - being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual.
Several Days

Little interest or pleasure in doing things.
More than half the days

Feeling down, depression or hopeless.
Several Days

Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much.
Several Days

Feeling tired or having little energy.
Several Days

Poor appetite or overeating.
More than half the days

Feeling bad about yourself - or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down.
Nearly every day

Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television.
Nearly every day

Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way.
Several Days

How difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?
Very difficult

Which country are you in?
United States

Which state are you in?
Texas

 From BetterHelp (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

First, we want to congratulate you for reaching out for help. We understand that this process may be new and difficult for you. You have taken the first (and most courageous) step. You have been matched with a licensed and certified counselor who will guide you through the next steps.

So you're probably asking - how does this work? It's quite simple, actually. Just like with any counseling, you and your counselor will discuss any challenges you're facing or might face, and you will develop some positive ways to reach your goals. The difference is that you don't need to come to an office and you don't need to schedule any time out of your day. Instead, you can write whenever it's convenient for you, and move forward at a pace that you feel comfortable with.

Please note that your messages with your counselor aren't in real-time but it won't be too long before you get a response from your counselor. Your sessions also have another benefit - you can re-read and reflect on our conversations at any time. Often, going back to a conversation can be very helpful and it's one of those things that will help you and your counselor move forward together.

What happens if you feel you and your counselor don't connect well? While we try to match you with the best counselor for your needs, that can certainly happen! There are over 2,000 therapists who work on this platform and you can switch to work with another counselor at any time.

Thank you for trying BetterHelp, and for joining the community of 450,000 people who took steps to make a positive change in their lives. We'll now leave it to you and your counselor to get started!

Sincerely,
BetterHelp Team

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

My name is Carnell Colebrook-Claude and I am a licensed therapist (license number LPC 76280, Other PMH1408).

Welcome to the online counseling room, which will be our private and secure place to communicate. This room is open 24/7, and you can enter it at any time, from any Internet-connected device wherever you are.

To help us get started, can you please tell me what brought you here? Just write a few short sentences about the challenges you're experiencing or what you would like to talk about and we will go from there.

Looking forward to working with you,

Carnell Colebrook-Claude (MA, LPC, PMHC, NCC, DCC)

 From you (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Just a few short sentences about challenges I'm experiencing and what I would like to "talk" about...

Hi, Carnell, cool name. Thank you for the message. I got to web page that required a 35 $ credit card charge, so I quit the process.

I think my main problem is being directionless, lazy, selfish, or uncaring.

I often feel guilty or worthless. I usually want to do nothing, or do useless or harmful activities.

I think I am mostly unhealthy, physically and mentally.

I have been living with my mother and pretending to go to college, but I quit several weeks ago.

I plan to take more classes.

I do not have a plan for my future.

I usually do not know what the purpose of doing anything is.

I am confused about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God, et cetera.

I think I want to help people. I do not know how to begin. I have difficulty controlling my body a lot of the time.

Anyway,

i hope you're okay,

please don't waste time on me, if you think I am not in need of professional counseling,

sorry thanks for reading,

sorry,

bye. Have a wonderful day/night/life. Thank you, Carnell Colebrook-Claude.

System Message (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Gregory confirmed this information form.

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:50 pm)

Hi Gregory,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Living a life to please everyone is difficult.

What confuses you about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God?

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:53 pm)

Please know that you are not a waste of time. You are valuable Just like everyone else in the world.

 From you (12:54 am)

Thanks for responding so quickly. I hope you and I can grow from these messages.

about reality... I wonder why this universe-thing exists. I wonder why pain exists and why it's better to avoid it... Why people hurt each other. i wonder what i will be after I die. I wonder what i should do with my life. I wonder what or who god is, what god does, if god is real.

My best friend, really my only real friend, is convinced that God is the Christian trinity. I believe everything he says and trust him completely. But I feel like i'll never be sure about anything, and I wonder if anyone can ever know anything for sure.

I confuse myself, more than anything. I feel like I am in control of only a tiny bit of myself.

I get distracted very easily. For about ten years, my primary goal has been to be healthy and eat healthily, supporting a sustainable beautiful world. But I kept falling back on the junk food culture around me. I am lucky to have been mostly healthy my whole life.

I get upset and overwhelmed often, thinking about the extreme suffering that millions go through every day. I wonder how I can make life better for the most people possible. Is it better to try to fix the roots of problems, help people be able to help them selves, make life better for future people. Or should I just try to fix people's immediate problems, like by giving them food or medical care or money or counseling or anything they want or need.

i like writing in general. i wish i would read more. i have started to read many books and stopped after a little bit. I still hope i will finish them. I think sometimes it would be good if i were an engineer or scientist.

Or I just watch TV, waste time, get online, eat whatever fast food and candy with my mom... and wait to die or wait for her to die, hoping my life will be better and easier when she does.

Sorry this is so much. I don't really expect you to help me figure anything out.

Thanks. - gregory

A Diary Post That I Should Not Have Published

i am listening to Bill Calahan on Spotify. Right now is "The Breeze/My Baby Cries".

I used to work at a public library in Austin, Texas.


I heard this^ song on "Youth", the movie starring Michael Caine. I put that movie on a lot in the days after I first watched it.

Last night I went to A's house in Bastrop.

I helped him make dinner. We ate with them. We watched Hey, Arnold. Then M went to another room and watched something. The rest of us watched Paterson, directed by Jim Jarmusch.

We talked about stuff.

A read something that Bill Z wrote about economics. It refers to Bernard Lonergan.

I brought up Star Trek, and said the words "practical reality" and "cruise the universe" and "help" and "solve" and "problems" and "we're doing pretty good."

Or that is close to what I said.

A said something about everyone living in one big park.

A read from a website about Paterson.

She said she hates reading. A talked about idiosyncratic pronunciations.

We all enjoyed Paterson a lot, I think.

I hugged A twice. She hugs affectionately.

A shower right after.

When I went to pee later, I smelled  damp .

Then I looked at my eyes in the mirror right after, then I went back to watch the rest of Paterson. I felt like myself, not right or wrong. I had regrets but I thought, why not. No harm, does not really matter. I have kept watching p. I have not m a photo in a few weeks I think.



Kurt Vile's "Pretty Pimpin'" is playing in my left ear right now.

It seems like a stupid song in most ways.

I like it mostly.

It is catchy. Like a dis ease.

Easy dis comfort.

Yesterday Mom bought pizza and she and I ate half each.

The internet exists even without people. Sunjectivity Objectivity.

I meant Subjectivity.

I watched the first four episodes of Fargo season 2 today.

In the last sentence, I mistyped Fardo then Farfo.

Farful.

I withdrew from my classes at ACC. I have check from them for 517 dollars.

I am registered for two classes that start on May 30th.


Yoga and physics.


I had plans to watch tonight and tomorrow, but I now have a plan to resist my habits and impulses and become a better person for Eternity.

The song playing now is "Song for Zula"


I would like and love and be eternally grateful to read full books, and write full and meaningful stories or poems or essays.

I would love to learn how to be excellent at anything.

I would love to be as healthy and responsible and respectful as I can be.


I just want to be slower and more thoughtful.

I want to be more coherent and thorough.


A and I talked for a few minutes yesterday.


I wanted to make more eye contact with her.

I'm going to take a break now.


,,,,,,,,


commas



I drank.

that's why i wanted to type this diary entry

there are other reasons

now i am listening to Farewell transmission by Songs: Ohia.


i kept looking at facebook to find meaning or reality. It seemed to just be distraction.

I just said goodnight to mom

I am lying on bed now

I thought of watching 

but i am doing this now

i am 80 percent tired

i don't really know if that means anything

i like songs: ohia a lot

70%

seventy percent

Posse Billy Tees

Cameras Microphones Computers Microchips Sattelites

Human Eyes



Okay, this is important now. This next part.

I was sweeping outside at about 5 pm.

Mom asked me to. I did it slowly and lazily.

I thought about being separate from my body.

My body does things, gets in positions, bumps into things, uses tools.

But my soul perceives.

My soul, My self

I feel my neurons, my skin, my muscles

I see the objects, the ground, the trees, my mom, the screens, the words and letters and numbers, the distance, my hands, dogs, house, clothes, water, drinks, food, furniture, appliances, my body's reflection

I really almost let myself watch a few seconds ago.

I imagine what I could watch again and what to type to find it.

Or

Se

Female

Children

Future

Hate

Regret

Ruin

In the car today, I thought of car crashes and bodily destruction and pain and I felt very bad and scared.

Mom and I were listening to The last train to Zona Verde. We have 2 discs left.

Myn:

I touch them too much.

I want to sleep now.

i want to write or type every day

so I can get better

everything

Now the song is ravens by mount eerie
he is very nice

a told me about him and a crow looked at me on our way to Sherwood forest with A on April 2nd, 2017. i had heard him before.


every thing

It's okay

i guess.

I was uncomfortable when M was being crazy yesterday. He pretended to shoot a gun. I thought of A being ashamed of her parenting..

Everything has been mostly good.

I want to do something to help people.

I want to buy good food, vegetables.

I want to be organised

my whole life

I want to go to the last 12 classes i have this semester, even though I withdrew


I can talk to brandon thornton, professor of economics.

acne matters.

Fat, skin, blood, plants


cream


frogs


grass


star


fire


rock


stone


brick


asphalt


concrete


dirt


birds


squirrels


people


hair


pores


eyes


water


air


space


time


voice


song


music


life


eternity


heaven


sleep


dark


light


words


thought


instinct


memory


expectation


knowledge

judgement

Sharon Van Etten - I Don't Want to Let You Down

Zeke and isabel (red wine)

A boy with no ears gave a girl a hard handshake. She opened her mouth all the way and showed him her back teeth. She stuck out her tongue as far as she could. He felt joy and tried not to smile, shutting his lips tight.

She said, "Hi, you're a boy, right? I know you are, but I don't care, unless you got something good to say... Right now. At my face right now!"

He said, "Hi, my name's Zeke."

"I know," she said.

"Me too. What's your name?"

"Isabel. I made that up just now, but now it's true, because I made it true.... just now."

"I don't know what you are doing here," said Zeke. His eyebrows were furrowed and he had no idea. Isabel investigated his face carefully and poked a lock of his hair over his left temple.

Isabel wore a blue dress with a cloud print. She did a front flip over Zeke. They stood back to back in front of Mina Elementary School. They were brunettes. They were 6 or 7.

Isabel suddenly realised Zeke had no ears, and she wondered how he had heard her.

19 years later, they lie on a double bed in a small bedroom with no window, lit by a small yellow lamp bulb. They lie on their backs, side by side, in opposite directions, heads by each other's knees. They are both 5 foot 5. They wear the same  clothes as in the last scene. Zeke wears a light brown T-shirt and dark brown shorts. They stare up at the camera deeply, listening to "Shore" by Balmorhea.

Aaron calls Greg, and Greg cries about Life.
Aaron says something sad and frustrating about Andee, and Greg is sad and frustrated and wants to cry but can't.

But Greg knew Aaron and Andee would do awesome things and the people will be good, because Aaron and Andee are the best!

Greg had some good plans and he will do some good stuff and be amazing friends with people, because it is wonderful to be alive!

They drank coffee, ate salad and protein and fat, and taught children how to be healthy and happy.

Let Now I drow sowm piches

= me (greg)

= ma (bar

I'm listening to They Might Be Giants

here =

There's probly 4.

= dance hall

= street sidewalk.

= office with plant, desk, and refrigerator.


here's more.

Phone Power sounds good.

= tree

= front yard

V V = vampire teeth

= iceland

= refrigerated donut disc cake

= conveyor belt of good sunrises and honest child-smiles about good vegetables.

Reusing Compost, Got new eyes

---- Takes everything off the walls and smashes them together into a robot friend who remembers everything and lasts forever.

Green Texas Morning

The green texas morning, April 1st, nodding boughs, ochre nests of easy sunlight unfold this slow-breathing middle-aged neighborhood. Thick, many-colored dark clothes hang on my pallid peach body, as it hangs in the lukewarm, prickly airspace between wood, rocks, plaster and paint.

Then, after many bloods flood my face tissue, now it is 10:25 at night, and darkness seeps out of all the matter of my perceivable universe. [She] grew across the Earth and Sky, and I blew my whispering thoughts through a fiber optic cable, and She sealed the gate of her eye-souls.

Our skeletal muscles come loose. We pillow each other, as newly freed cloud animals, reunited, untied and resolving our ubiquitous connection, as old babies absorbing and emitting the big Light ... Hers, a slick black where endless emerald tendrils glow throughout ... and mine, a marrow-cream where dancing ruby critters erupt and rejoice . . . .

The Freedom to Freely Write

I hope

that

You want to lie in Your comfy bed

and blow me off, at Your leisure,

and eat my Love,

every morning,

before 9 a.m.


I am not sorry ... but I am ... Sorry


Your Name Is St3ffanie.

I love You more than God

I love You more than God love You.

God

Love

Dan Deacon

Cum in my eyes, My vision, My Guts, My Poop, My Semen Explosion







My Bu






My butthole

Never Matter



I am an atom

I am a Quark

I am a Quarky

I am a Quirky

I am A Jerk


God is a Woman

People Are Dicks

Piss is Shit

Love is Cum

My Grand ma, Is a Fat Ugly Cunt with cheeZbRGURS 4 Lips

I am feeling home

I am hum  ly

Lee cum in my uterus, My Male Tiny Cum Bucket Full of Drenched Wings and Angel Tears, Having Sex with Grand ma, Looking out of Gay Blind Windows, At Rotating Ships made of Intergalactic Space Whores, Going to Love Freedom and Fickle Tomboys, Eating Healthy, Crunchy, Feeling Like A Good Shit

I love her beautiful eyes.

Andee. I am growing up so fast.

I love seeing you smile

and seeing you do some thing nice for some one who you love the most

We listen to good music. We feel immortal and eternal and somewhat infinite

We are more proud of ourselves and each other

than we could ever imagine being.


It matters.

I love You.


You are God.

Andee and St3ffanie and Aaron and Malakai and Mom and I are God,

just like every other person.

Humans are animals. Animals are not always people.

God is People.

I dearly deplete to Nature of your human gift

The Green Love of Inside Grows to Nurture

Limitless

Endless

Perfect

Beyond Perfect

Glowing, Lighting

Burning

Happy

Dance

Life

Bursting with Joy

Enjoying the Smallest

Love with a Christ

Bleeding, Smiles

Screaming in Terrible

Pleasure, Holding Hairy Sweating Greasy Sticky Hands and Fingers

Groaning Godly

I hope you are belief

I am what you do, You will be what I do

I do what you believe

Grab your wrist and pull

Stand Steady or Lie Softly

Wash the skin

Lick the teeth

Seal the wound

Shit the food

Shoot the Angry Lion with a tranquilizer, if you got 'em.

Drink the bottle of wine.

Kiss your only child good night.


Good night, Humanity

Sweet Dream

Bye Internet

See you in the morning,

Love,

Gregory Wredberg

Good Enough

We're on our way to a better personal dream
But it's never gonna seem like we thought it would.

And it's all right, because our babies are all made of
wooden people growing up like sailors on the moon.

I kissed her body, but her body turned into a
Bloomingdale's receipt made of plastic people
eating all their babies, with no one left in the world
to kiss their eyes out of their minds; they're going
to sleep inside my tiny personal dreamscape
with a kind of little kind person floating under
the aquamarine, bluish green.

And things are seeming more like they want to be
a personal slave to the kind God, who freed our people
with never thinking that we are never good enough.

Soloushuk

In ten years, 200 thousand people will be dead.
A human with perfect health can live 126.621 years, on average.
If everyone meditates for 30 minutes every day and writes a 300 word essay about ourselves, then The Good Life will be attainable for every human in 50 years.
Ice cream will be made of coconut, cream, ice, and sometimes avocado.

I will date Soloushuk 12 times for 3 months.
We will get jobs in big buildings, reading, writing, talking, listening, pushing buttons, and drawing plans.
We wil live together.
We will grow our own vegetables.
We will shop together.
We will travel, bathe, sleep, cook, and eat together.
Soloushuk will teach her niece to put on a shirt, take it off, and put it in drawer, one evening.
I will organize 10 bottles in a row on a shelf above my head.
Our 3 never-married uncles will build a 45 foot triangular wooden tower in the front yard.
4 birds will make nests and eggs.
3 people who we do not know will eat 6 slices of bread.

Music is difficult to make and to listen to.

John God published a book last Newmember about Locating a Final Possible Center without a Center.

The Crutches were 100 feet tall in the grey urban Chicago park on a cloudy day in February, with no snow on anything, and a 15-year-old male with dandruff in his dark hair was sitting on a bench outside a tall building.

I do not care if anything is the same as it was or comepleletey difrent.

Soloushuk had brown gold on her head. She had 4 parallel limbs and on a bed, 45 soft and wise and 1 cleaning solution that only takes 16 minutes and 4 seconds.

Yesa. 3 hundred words?

This is my diary. It's 21:31 on my tablet clock.

It's March 13th, 2017.

I am in my bedroom at 139 Michele Drive, Bastrop County, Texas, USA.

I am facing west.

I drank some wine this evening. There is a little left in my glass. I think I will finish it in a few minutes.

I am listening to the song, Song for Zula by Phosphorescent.

I think it is pretty good. It's nice. I've been listening to my Spotify library for a few minutes.

I am interested in being accurate about my life, but I don't want to put in too much effort. I just want my impression of reality to get through to my reader.

Last night I watched episode 4 of Big Little Lies on HBO with my mother. I liked it I am going to watch the first 3 episodes tomorrow. My mom recorded them on her Direct TV service.

Porn is a big problem for me again.

It is like junk food.

I feel like I want it really bad. I give it to myself. I want to be different. I want to stop thinking about consuming very bad things.

I want to be good.

I wonder what is so appealing to me about these horrible foods and horrible sexual acts.

I think these are not even Food or Sex.

They are bad replacements.

I want this to make sense more than I have ever wanted anything.

Work is difficult. I want the pleasure of good things without the work.

Why do I want to avoid the work? The work is good. A blessing, as Blackaliscious said.

Difficulty is good. Rilke.

I want the good.

I want to read Plato, Dostoevsky, and Lewis Carrol.

I want to read Philip McShane.

I want to learn all I can about Algebra and Statistics.

I want to pass my classes.

I want to sign up for two more classes in the summer session at ACC.


So.


I was conceived just about 28 years ago.

Aaron is fun. I like being his friendly person.

I like that we say many things to each other.

I wanted to go to Main Street Cafe and tell Andee that Aaron has told me a lot about her and that's all.

I still like Andee a lot.

Tomorrow I will be at home.

I will do good.

Maybe not.

I am going to brush my teeth in a minute, then I will go to bed.

Bye.

- Greg Wredberg

Judging One's Own Life

I'm driving a compact car down a grey street,

Albert Brooks looks at my hair from the backseat.

Radio wires and carebears rain from the blue sky.

I see my eyes reflected in the glass

Between Meryl Streep and I.

8 Billion Parts, 1 Whoul

I don't know what I'm doing.

But I am doing this.

Look at my 43rd eyebrow hair from the left. Please?

Good. Thanks. Is it pointing at you?

Yes. My soul is a cave.

Deep and infinite. Darker than everything and nothing.

My soul is your soul. Her soul is his soul.

Our soul is our home.

The earth is a place.

Earth in our feet and our tongue.

Talk to me. Tell me where it hurts.

Hospitals and hospice and home entertainment systems.

Blown out speakers, wobbly computer chairs, I walk through the window.

Theresa hears a blame, fallen and black as ill-treated oil.

I ooze from the pristine faces of the youngest sinners.

Hang the safe curtain of doubt and studiously craft dinners.

Ghostly pale, freckles of shadow.

I called out to her, one of the future, the imperfect image, oceans in our pants, stars in our tricolored, globular eyes.

I still wait for her to reply. I don't know why.

every able person

my urgent anxious thought:

If every able person (and me) always responsibly volunteered for a charity - to house, or to feed, or to provide health care, or otherwise - to help every person in need....

I might relax and feel better.

Appearance of Achievement and Achievement of Appearance

Write a story
that fits your personality,
which was given to you
by the alm-ighty.
You're the reason it grew.

Peace be with you; peace be with me.
It's all right if you cannot find peace, because
not everyone is the same; not everything is just.
At the end of all of this,
everything will be better

I miss you like a sailor misses land.

I miss her like the land misses rain.

I miss the sky like never misses now.

I want to know you. I want to know how. .. .

I want to see the bottom left edge of your beige trenchcoat hang in front of the blue rainy skyline, way up high, as you look towards me. Grey rock and long steel beams. No stooping, no steeping. Just looking and reaching effortlessly. Unnamed Person, Unnamed City.

Maybe If I Feel Better, I'll Be Like I Was.

I feel good, because that is all I want.

I'm in Heaven. I am Heaven. I'm going to Heaven.

I am a star in a cloud.
Light burns.
While water and time are still,
we work them out, they work us out.

Black and white
Past and future
Up, down, left, right.
On the trail beside Lady Bird Lake,
one early, "busy-as-shit", warm, sunny afternoon,
I stopped moving, I close my eyes,
I push my arms through my torso,
deep inside, deep outside.

I feel a hole that I fill with what I decide.

Stream of Con-tra-dictions

Dictated on 1-12-2017, evening

There's only one rule to this, since I have to keep talking.
I can't ask myself if I'm making any sense.
And I have to keep talking.
And I can't do anything wrong.
"And I have to keep talking" x 3
because I am so scared.

I'm picking up a horseshoe in the backyard,
because I am a lard
and I can't kill anything.

I don't have to rhyme. I don't have to sing.
I'm just throwing things around,
because I am my own God.

And everything is cool, because I ate a pork sandwich last night.
And I have to say real words, because that makes me feel better about myself.
And I have to be like Maria Bamford, because Louie C. K. sucked my own cock
in his western apartment.

Because I can't stutter with words, because I have to say things that come to my mind

And

I have no idea why.

I don't want the neighbors to hear me, because I don't want them to think I'm insane.
I don't want them to suck their own cocks, because they are not me.
I don't care if I die, because I am only a person, and I want to live forever.
Because I am the things I think, and I want to kill everybody.
Because I don't care what I do.

I care about everything, and I care about everyone.
I want everyone to be happy and suck their own cocks, because I keep saying that, because I keep thinking about my penis, because I've watched so much porn that involves blowjobs, where women are sucking men's cocks. Cocks are penises. They have flesh and blood and things and bones.

Bones are really gross, because I hate bones, because I don't eat bones, because I don't want to suck bones, because I don't want to think about bones.

Because I don't want to chop my own arm off, because I don't want to die, because I never want to die, because I'm never gonna die.

I'm never gonna die, because Jesus Christ loves me.

Jesus Christ is part of the three part God, called the Triune or the Trinity.

And A is my best friend, because he tells me that everything is immortal, because God is real, and God is lovely, and They love us so much that we can never do anything wrong, except all the wrong things that we do.

I've been drinking some red wine, so this is so stupid. I can't do anything right, and I want to kill myself, but I'm never gonna kill myself, so I just feel really bad most of the time.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I hope you don't feel so horrible listening to this, because I really love you. I really love God. I love Aaron. I love Jesus.

I can't relax, because I'm so frustrated with myself and everything I've been doing with my little, little, little, little life. I'm gonna die really soon, as in the next 50 years, because I'm not gonna live to the average age of a man in this country, because I'm really unhealthy.

I'm really stressed out about questions:

Why do i exist?

Is there a creator?

Of course there's a creator. How can there not be a creator?

How can nothing mean anything?

Everything means something.

...

So, I do things.

I kill things.

I Be Things.

I wanna do things, because I am alive. I'm still alive right now.

I wanna cry a lot, because I don't know what to say to you, because you're my best friend.

Everyone is my best friend. This is really true, because God is real and God is good.

I wanna do everything. I'm not being sarcastic. Everything I said is pretty much true, except all the ridiculous things at the beginning.

Okay, I have some serious problems. I've isolated myself. I've been alone too long. I'm really starting to make myself cry, because I'm saying things that are really true.

I'm really scared of the neighbors, because I'm outside, because I wanna feel good, but I had too much wine. I feel really bad now.

And there's like dogs. And there's like rabbits. And there's like shit everywhere. Shit is good, because shit is good, because shit fertilizes all the things. Everything grows.

I need to grow as a human being. I need to see people and talk to people. And tell people my real feelings and my real thoughts and everything that's true and good about reality.

Because reality is good. God is good. God is everything, but everything is not God.

Because I wanna do what's right for my own life. [Flaming Lips - Fight Test]

I want everyone to be friends with each other and do things that are good for other people.

Only think about yourself, but that means you're only everyone else, who you see and hear and think about. You can imagine that everybody is the same thing, and this one thing is the almighty presence of Eternal Reality that is asking itself a question, and It only wants one answer.

And that answer is: Hi, I'm good. How are you? Okay. So, let's have some fun. Let's do something good for other people.

Because we only care about the thing that we can experience. This is what we are experiencing, so let's do it good, and let's do it right.

I don't want to talk about all this stuff anymore.

I want to talk about all the things that I'm doing. I'm studying math at Austin Community College Riverside Campus. Next week, I begin my classes. I'll think about things in a different way. I'll think about talking to people and solving real problems.

Like, how do we build these roads? How do we solve the housing crisis? How do we bring people together to eat well and help each other and conceive children in a helathy responsible way?

Okay, it's been 6 minutes. Now, let's talk about something else.

Let's all quit doing things that are so ridiculous, that we can't even believe everything that's been done in this universe, in this life, and with ourselves.

Our own bodies are mystical entities that are crying for help, and now we're helping ourselves, and in the process we help everyone else.

Ahh... that was way too long. Now I'm just gonna actually talk and say something real to connect to you. And that something is:

There's a German Shepherd mix and some other mixed breed dog out here in front of this house with me. And I think the neighbor might be outside also. I'm afraid that they're getting a really strange idea about me.

This is a lot like vlogging, but more freeform and unrestricted and there's no video, so it's a log, and audio log. I'm really happy that I recorded this. I'm gonna listen to it right away. I hope Mom doesn't come home for at least another like 15 or 20 or even 30 minutes, so that I can appreciate myself and my own life, and everything that has ever existed and will ever exist. Okay, I suppose that covers everything.

Just let me say that I'm pretty excited for the new 2017 Twin Peaks reboot. Is it called a reboot? Is that a correct term? Who caaaares? All right. I'll see you on Sunday. I love your baby. Now gimme a kiss. Smooches.

Okay, I'm just gonna say something real as myself. I'm going to a Magic: The Gathering tournament on Saturday. I hope it's really fun. I hope my brothers are nice people, and I hope my mother understands everything about everything, even though that's a ridiculous over- unrealistic statement.

My best friend is a really nice person, and he makes me afraid to be alive. And afraid to exist within the bounds of an eternal awakening of a God, who is 3 personalities, who is God as Understanding, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, who inhabits all and hears everything....

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm gonna go back inside in about 30 seconds, and I'm gonna try to feel okay. I'm gonna listen to this and think about what I mean, really, and why I'm really doing this, and if this is worth it, and what should I really be doing with my life?

I really wanna study mathematics, and I really wanna read Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol, AKA Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Why did he write that? What do all these words about images and sounds, what does all this mean? What does it mean? I will find that out, and now it's been 2 minutes, I mean 2, 2 begins with the same letter as 10. That's why I said 2 instead of 10.

I'm really congested, not really. I'm getting less congested. So, this is from 139 Michele Drive, Bastrop, Texas, 786Zero2, United States of America, 2017 A.D. January 12th. I don't know what else to do.

I don't know why I'm doing this, other than I'm alone, and I can, and it's weird, and I don't wanna do anything else.

*Whistling*

This is not something that most people do. Most people seek the company of other people, who share character traits and personality traits. Tommorrow I'm planning on staying home. I'm gonna go now. I don't want Mom to come home while I'm doing this. I don't wanna see the car...

I don't know why I'm still recording this. This is completely pointless, isn't it? No. I'm just gonna listen to this and hope that it's worth something, to me at least. Oh, there go the dogs barking at smaller dogs next door.

That's a really beautiful way to end this, isn't it? Not really. It's beautiful, though. The sun set a little while ago. The sky keeps getting darker. It's real dark blue, and there's a lot of clouds out tonight. There's a bunch of trees. There's like tens of trees with almost no leaves. I like that there's still just a few leaves on these trees.

12:51. That's a nice song for me. It sounds nice, and I like the past, and I like the future, but most of all I like the present moment, 'cause I never really experience it. It's an extreme mystery.

Okay, I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry if you're upset about anything, and I love you eternally. Everything's gonna be okay, eternally.

So, I hope you're feeling okay, and I really, really mean that.

I'm glad my body is eternal. Right after 14 minutes, I'm gonna stop this, 'cause otherwise, you know, there's just my stream of consciousness. There's absolutely no end to my thinking and my existence.

What can I say? I love you? Does that mean anything to you? I don't know. Read the teachings of Jesus in the Bible. I don't know what to say to you. Just assume eveything is true, unless you can disprove it. Is that okay? No. Assume that everyting is good. Assume that everyone is good.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't wanna give you advice. I just wanna let you know that I did this, and I thought these things. Everything is real. Everything you think is real.

So, right after the 15 minute, I'm gonna stop this, because I'm tired of doing this, and I'm just gonna keep gettin' better, growing as a person, because I'm gonna live for an undetermined amount of time, but I probably won't die in the next few minutes, or the next few days, or the next few years.

I'm gonna keep trying to not be insane, and do things that help other people. So, that's what I recommend. My recommendation is like a drop of gold in a bucket of heart-felt eternal renewal.

All right, good bye. I'll see y' in in a feeeewwww people.

Word Botcher

The Long Day

I'll never take anything too serious again.

I'll never take anything for granted again.

I'll Ner think I know the answer before I hear the question again.

I'm open, I'm willing, I'm listening

I'm collaborating = Working togetHer.

A loneliness harrasses the park.

An unactionable conscientious Luftwafel is too easily often misconstrued.

I think about Andee a lot now, after hanging out with her and Aaron and her son, one night two weeks ago, and after Aaron telling me so much about her since he's met her. I feel a little in love with her and jealous of Aaron. Thinking of either of them makes me pretty sad about myself. It is pretty hard to describe... but I have never been close to somebody except Aaron, and then I was close to Andee for a few hours, and it felt like Heaven or something unimaginably and purely good and perfect.

I think she is uncommonly beautiful in every way. She makes me happy. But being away from her and all the complications of life and people make me pretty sad.

Comparing myself to her or Aaron, I feel useless and lazy. I love them a lot and they amaze me, but I kind of hate myself.

I don't know what I can do that will make me a full, admirable, good person who makes a postitive difference to people in history.

Since that night, every day, more than once I have thought, I really miss Andee.

I must force myself not to look at her blogspot photo from 6 years ago.

Let's GTFO of here.

Facebook is really dumb, as is most, almost all, of The Internet.

"I don't have to share my life" - Mom

"all the local animals are living and dying there" - Mom

I'm sorry, but I want to spend the rest of the day with only Andee and 2 bottles of red wine.

Leonard Cohen grass-fed supreme bicycle hairy sponge culture knife.

Blue cyanide arsenic rainy apples.

Force sewage peptic whereabouts orange tide offshore sciatic barging effigy effluvia counselor.

Oh shit. That's not what I meant. Go back. Start over. - It's 5 o'clock some-here.

Sexy dix. Thiiiiiissepisode of Comedy.

The Word's Most Titular Bean Bags

no 'L'

Heavy Sax of Leftover Loaves of Butt

I feed your Motions, Grows Bodies, Must Musk Music.