This Is One Result of These Past 7 to 8 Years of Whatever I've Been Doing

- I regret this post a lot. Aaron and Andee read it and were disgusted. I wrote it over a year ago, and I revised it less than a year ago for some dumb reason, or for no reason I think. I did not reason, like most of my life. I should delete it. But I will leave it for now... I am being so dumb. I am still wasting 99% of my time. OK, I am stopping now. geezus kryste  - March 20, 2018 -

" Be cool: I am not supposed to tell you this. I feel bad about it ... kiNdA! { ; smeeerk* "

- I was a really annoying, terrible person writing this, I have to hate this about myself.

-

So, I went to Julie's House, on Sage Road, Bastrop County -
you know - My feet, my wheels, my hand, et cexterra.
Her name is Julie M. W.
It dozent matter. I write neatly....
enough. So, we stand near the front door
about ten feet apart. She says, Hi, greggy.
I say, " --- Nothing.
We stare at each other's eyes blankly, content.
I Why and Without.
She stands up straight, holds her arms a few inches out to her sides, spins slowly, and closes her eyes.

we are A steady stream . .

one minute.
her skin and her clothes are.
I say, Thanks. I walk back home calmly.
She absorbs
and her every cell is half.

Then she leaves home and walks the streets
touching every woman she sees.
If she lays even a fingertip on any part of their bodies,
they become pregnant with an XXY baby,
23 from Julie and 23 from me.

I lie in bed at my mom's house
thinking this over and through.
...
So, I call Mr. president and say, Abort.
He makes every human 18 years old instantly.
Each new human starts at 18.
Every human is now self-sufficient forever.

We build cradles for no one and subsist on squirrels and kelp.

I'm Never Gonna Watch YouTube

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live as other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think about anything else.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live through other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not have to think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube, and I want to live as better people.

I want to live through better people than myself.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People playing games and talking to each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People in cars going to see each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People saying jokes and laughing hard.

I really wanna watch YouTube: Good-looking people with hair and faces and eating things and doing stuff and saying things. And laughing and doing things with people. And going to places with their lives and doing lots of stuff. And thinking and talking and feeling different things. And doing stuff and feeling and being alive. And doing stuff and recording it all on cameras and uploading it to the website YouTube.

I really wanna watch YouTube, so I don't have to be a human.

And I don't want to think about things that I will never do or try.

I don't wanna think about how much I have failed and how much I'll never be able to accomplish because I just wasted a bunch of time and resources on feeling like I'm so interesting because I think that nothing is real or nothing is of consequence to me because I'm just gonna die. And who cares if anyone remembers and why does anything exist? And is there a God, and why am I thinking all these things? And why am I thinking these things and what should I actually do? And does it matter if I do anything or what I think? And do I really wanna care or do anything or think anything?

Uhh.

Welcome to the land where we farm the corn. Eveyone's lookin' at the sun, cuz we just woke up from a daydream, and we'll think about eating other things and the genitalia of our best friends.

Wanna go to sleep at 9 o' clock in the evening and look at the star, cuz your eye gets wet. Look at her eye, cuz she's your best friend and your only daughter, and you want to chop her head off and donate it to the universe, so she'll glow like a star forever and ever until she blows up and blows stardust all over the universe, and then the universe dies, and there's nothing but time, and time goes on forever, but behind and beyond time, there's an eternal awakening of the spirit of existence itself. Reality meshes with the squids and the worms and the bugs up in my fingernail beds.

Now we're feelin' good, cuz we drank a bottle of whiskey, and we're singin' and dancin' on the porch, cuz it's Friday night.

We're eating steaks. Colorado is the best place to be, when you're just like me.

I'm never going to watch YouTube, cuz I make myself a better looking dude, who thinks that he likes to be like people are today, when they do things that they can proudly say that they have done.

And a guy I know brought a gift for me, and I used part of it and gave part of it to someone who I see often enough.

And then I stopped this recording, and I drank a bunch of black and green tea, and I sat down, and I read about a thousand pages of a book that made me think, and then I thought,

'Hm, I'm gonna go get some money and donate it to the people who eat the goats for breakfast.'

The End

A Diary Entry Blog Post

It's December 20, 2016.

It's very early.

I woke about 3:30 am.

I'm listening to "Sleeping Lessons" Spotify radio.

I feel pretty good.

I'm kind of tense.

I wonder if spelling and grammar are equally important.

I wonder if I'll ever read another person again.

I wonder if I'll ever shower again.

I wonder what I'll do today.

I wonder what exactly I should do.

I don't feel stupid listening to Arcade Fire.

I love them.

I want to read Crime and Punishment.

I feel bad for disappointing Aaron by not reading the books I began.

God is very confusing to me.

Free will and temptation are too.

I want to eat breakfast with Mom today.

We will both drink black coffee... from K-cups.

I yawned and slid my water.

The metal and wood made a sound.

Excuse me.

66.6%! (: im drunk

Condiments such as iceberg lettuce and freedom of speech.

I did not do what I thought I'd do.

I want to sleep for two hours starting now.

I think I slept between 5 and 6 hours last night.

I have paced a lot today.

It's - It was about 3:30 pm I think, then I got distracted,

and now it's about 4:20.

I decided I do not want to sleep until tonight.

I listened to music for a while.

I have read a tiny bit.

I dug up an ant hill.

I washed dishes.

I drank white russians and used up the Kahlua.

Aaron called, and he invited me to shop with him tomorrow.

It'll be good to get away.


I ask again, why does this hurt so much?

I was just lying in bed trying to relax and tears came out of my eyes.

I was scrolling thru facebook a bit ago.

It seems everything is wrong and everyone is wrong.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know why it's so hard to read and eat vegetables.

It feels like I have put myself in a situation

where being awake is unbearable.

We ate pepperoni rolls.

It's not really hard to do what I know I should do.

I don't know what stops me or why I stop myself and just kill time

and do dumb stuff instead.

Some things are easier.

I want to do what is easiest.

But then I think I am worthless and I hate myself and I do not want to live,

then that becomes the most difficult thing I ever deal with.

I keep thinking, eventually everything will die, all matter will freeze.

Why try to keep anything going or try to change anything?

I have no idea what I will be after I die.

I do not know if I will die.

I think I basically know nothing.

Why do I care if life or eternity is full of pain or joy?

What is "good"? What is "bad"?

What is "something"? What is "nothing"?

I drank alcohol.

I ate bread and cheese.

I listened to some words from Aaron's body?

I made some sounds; he understood words.

We drove on a busy road.

We saw children.

We saw shapes and colors.

We felt blood in our skin and muscles.

We felt the rumbling car and wind.

We felt heat and cold.

I felt like I might vomit.

I thought of semen and female tongues and lips.

I thought of American zoos and 30 Rock and boobs.

I thought of starving black babies.

I thought of open wounds and blood and pus

and maggots and worms and decay.

Tears roll down my cheeks again.

I hear punk guitars.

I hear snare and bass drum and cymbal.

I think of fresh green cabbage.

I think of rain.

I need to shit.

I am in a wooden building, one floor, big windows on all four walls. Sheriff Harry Truman runs up and enters. He is being chased by many large scary animals. He says they won't get in. They immediately break thru the glass and pour inside. I am terrified. I climb something to get away. A vicious tiger swipes at me.

Church Marquee:

Our Heart is the Flower that will always be blooming by the ever-burning Light...

Prepare to Forgive

Rape Raped Raping Raper Rapist Rapey Rapier Rapiest

Hat Pod Hat Jimmy Hat Ghoul Hat Cool Hat Bum Hat Sick Hat Blood Hat Cat Hat Burn Hat Bomb Hat Cull Hat Wish Cap Lead Cap Balls Cap Weed Cap Whip Cap Sweeet Cat Wheat Cap Long Cap

Quell. Quash. I am. Surprisingly literati.

Original Document

Transform the future we all share.
Save the children.
Is digging a world into a wall with the paint of 500 miles and 30 miles of ocean too much work for 5 years of 2 hands and 2 feet and 2 eyes and 200 pizzas and 500 glasses of wine for 2 women who are full sisters and 3 children --> 30,998 shits?... I drew Map, Girl 17 made a star my eye dance paper ink letters... 3 moon, 1 starlight.
The end, the other 5 Beatles made my eye leak dick water. On TV, the Asian decorator made children eat Christmas. 'Twas very fun. Fireplace 9 made person perfect Inferno Ties Lie.

Baaaaaaad Gang of Kids

Is it a shame if we can't decide
How much we love each other...
Tonight?


Let's join a bad gang of kids
Doin' bad shit to other kids.
Doin' pull ups at the gym.
Hittin' baseballs over the fence.
Throwin' footballs over the bridge.


Teachin' bad people how to live.


Let's join a baaaaaaad gang of kids.

More Meaning

When I urinate in front of my
childhood home, staring up
at the trees and the cloudy black night,
I wish there was more meaning
in every detail of my life,
like in Delicacy starring
Audrey Tautou.

I read a page of Crime and Punishment,
translated into English by Jessie Coulson,
then the pale purple of my
bedroom walls
really does look really purple
to me now.

Bye,

Love Greg.

November 32nd 2,016

Connie Chung looks at me in
my human TV screen.
She says, "Taxes are for
the rich; poor people
are for the poor.
Nobody knows what
they're saying anymore."

The year is two thousand seventeen,
and 17 year olds are too lucky
to be a live these days.
Nothing matters more
than what anybody says.

Her kind doll face,
a fake ficus, daybreak
news anchors, Paradise buffet,
Philidelphia, Artificial environment,
12,000 dollar cameras,
downtown Austin TV studio.

Pinapple and a bagel.
Wispy grey sky.
Precious fragile mind.
People full of fluffy
jellybeans, infinity
frivilous rainbows.

I want to find Ways to Reverse Reductive Thoughts, formerly How to Race Reducing Thoughts

In order to turn off a racing mind, you have to deny it the fuel it needs to start spinning in the dark. 

LAST

More Real Times to Have and to Hold Onto

I began about ten seconds ago.

I began about ten minutes ago, too.

I guess nothing can ever be done.

Or do I just want to excuse myself from following through?

I mean that nothing is ever perfect, except God. In a way, everything is perfect always.

But I guess some things can only be done once and there is nothing more to try to perfect.

For example, if I chop a log and the axe goes right through and it's a clean cut... that's pretty perfect. There is a range of cuts and sizes of wood that would all be equally useful for firewood.

And I kiss a 26 year old female human with pale skin and black hair.

I like her. She likes astronomy.

I like suicide notes, but not suicide or suicidal thoughts or feelings.

By "feelings" I meant suicidal feelings, but now I mean all feelings.



The feeling of joy that I get from insights is incidental, unintended, and corruptable. It's nice, joy is. But it is not necessary. Aaron said nothing but the Trinity is necessary. Feelings are not as valuable as words or insights. Feelings are inevitable, but life would be fine if they were gone somehow. But life would not be life without feelings. 



There are happy and sad bacteria floating in the ocean.

I feel good that I am home alone with very few responsibilities.... there are too many 'i's in 'responsibilities', but I like it.

It's quiet here. 

Peaceful.

I think I should read Music That Is Soundless, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, or Crime and Punishment. I don't want to read right now, but I do want to read at least three more pages of Crime and Punishment today, and I want to read more of Alice today. I want to read the other two, but not anytime soon, because I feel uncomfortable trying to read most of the time, and those books are more difficult to read.

Classic pain and gain.

Big muscle boobs.

I watched about an hour of the Royal Tenenbaums this morning.

I really love it.

I don't want to talk to Aaron, because it is difficult. I don't even want to listen to him.

I want to descibe this feeling.

It's uneasy, maybe queasy, cold and hot, shaky, face hurting, clammy, sticky, tastes bad and smells bad, like rotten vegetables, or pee, or really bad tomato sauce, feel like something will rip and sting and bleed.



That might be the main reason feelings can be bad: I can feel any feeling for any reason, or for no reason. They should not be trusted. They must be felt, but they should be subject to reason, and they should not determine choices that people make. I guess they usually have to affect what people do, because they are integral to being human. 



I believe people should try to be healthy and try to help themselves reach their positive potential.

One should first try to help oneself, then as many other people as possible. 

Maybe every human or every family should have a fertile peaceful acre of land. Maybe an average of two people per acre.

Maybe there will be 8 billion people by 2020.

We'll need 4 billion acres. That should be about half of the arable earth.

People will go to their acres by plane or boat or train or road.



Everyone will live by the same rules:

- Always get permission from anyone affected by anything you do, before you do it. Or at least be reasonably certain that the effect will be positive.

- Do not do anything if you think anyone will probably be negatively affected by it.

- Try to do something that will perfect the world, including yourself.

That is all that needs to be done.



I imagine a beautiful family playing frisbee at the local park, 3,000 years from now, in 5,016 A.D. They love Jesus. Mom, Dad, a boy named Junus, and a girl named Rew. 

Dad paints everything. Mom designs government websites. Junus wants to explore the ocean. Rew wants to fix human brains.

They eat a type of pasta that is perfectly healthy. During the night two tormadoes pass through town, but only ten trees and three shrubs are damaged. 

. . . I have to type this - no, I don't :  . . . Rew is 16 years old now. A boy named Fooden comes to her house after Rew says it's okay. Her family is away from 4:15 to 9:00 in the evening. She and Fooden watch TV, cook and eat a frozen pizza . . . . Of course, Rew does not enjoy anything about it, except sharing the experience and the fact that it is probably the best time of Fooden's life so far.

Young but not too Young

7. 8.

Tim dropped me off at Bastrop High at 8:44 a.m. on May 15th, 2006 a.d. Monday. Sitting in his blue Chevy Cobalt and in his blue plaid pajama pants, he said, "See ya later," and drove back home or wherever he went. I wore hand-me-down faded blue jeans and a dark striped button up shirt. There was a bleeding sore between my legs. There was another sore that was not bleeding somewhere else between my legs.

So, I walked slowly and awkwardly into the main building to my first period. I saw Jaime and Charles in the halls. Jaime said, "Hey, Big Greg, how's it hangin'?" I did a little smile thing, lifted a hand toward him, and said quietly, "Heey." Charles looked at me, made a wide thin mouth, and tipped his head back in recognition. I smiled and waved quickly. My mom was Asian.

Some people tied an American flag around the statue of our leader outside. Outside was grey and windy. The high school was built in 1909, making it 63 years old.

In the classroom, I sat 6 feet away from Katy. She wore a vintage white dress. She looked like an American Girl doll. Her hair was blonde like the sun at noon. My feet were very sweaty. When I was not staring at my desk or the floor, I glanced at Katy. Our eyes met 11 times during that class. My eyes green, her eyes blue. In the wild southeastern section of the county, a wildfire had burned over 42 acres and counting.

8. 9.

Katy walked nicely to the foootbaaal field. I walked to the railroad crossing by the field and sat on the eastern rail.
Jim and Chuck ate two burritos each outside the lunch hall.
There were two crowds on the through street, one by the lunch hall, one by the band hall. The day was sunny.
All the old kids wore new clothes, like dancing pants and school spirit hoodies.
I scratched my butt cheek, thought about my bleeding holes, and almost cried.
Katy waved to me from 55 yards away, and I imagined ejaculating on empty black space.

The day became very warm, 88 degrees Fahrenheit. I saw Julio and Adrienne holding hands while they walked to 3rd period. The train came so I got up and went into the main halls. I was sweating a lot in my deep spots. I saw Ashley and Diane talking and giggling, and I accidentally smiled. We all avoided each other, sanely. Mr. Wubbush called out to the horde of students, "All right, guys, get to class now or go home!!" I thought about calculus, and I understood nothing about it, except that it exists.

"I went like fuckin' 45 minutes without seein' a monster... and I was like Ohmyfuckin'god, so I skipped to level 8... did you see Bowser's tail at the end of that cut scene like right before you get to the Koopa fortress? ... Anyway I was like fuckin' nigga BAM, and he died like right away, obviously... I had like 50 thousand coins, then my fuckin' stupid ass brother saved over my fuckin' file!"

I looked at some other strange kids in front of the building, voices drifting. My shoulders got sore from my backpack straps. A worker guy walked around the edges of the parking lot, blowing leaves. I held a copy of Doing Yourself by R. H. Lipsky that I found on Mom's forgotten bookcase. I flipped it over and looked at the back cover again; I hadn't read the whole cover or a whole page; I just let my eyes jump around. Katy came out of the front doors and walked up to me. Looking up, I noticed all the dark smoke in the southern sky.
"Hi, Gregory. Whatcha doin'," she grinned.
"Uhh... nothin'," I tried to force my face into a relaxed, natural, and pleasing expression.
"Yeah... Looks like it's a-gonna rain, huh!?"
I was scared. I said, "I dunno. Maybe."
She sat down on the other end of the stone bench. "Hm..." she said. "So, what's that?," gesturing to the Lipsky.
"Um, just some psychology kinda book from a long time ago." The pages were dark yellow.
"Is it good?"
"Um, I don't know. I haven't read much."
"Great... Hmmm. Let me know what happens..." She squinted tightly, shivered and shook herself. I breathed deeply. My jaw clenched; my head began to ache.
"Ah... You look like you use the computer a lot. You do, right?" said Katy.
"Uh... I guess so..." I swallowed spit. My sinuses tingled; my cheeks warmed.
After an almost ten second silence, she blurted, "I am totally failing history this year."
"... Ah... damn."
"Yeah... it fuckin' sucks real shit."
I looked up from her shoes to her face. She wore a wild and confused smile. She stared at one spot on the concrete. I smiled sincerely, in rapture. She looked at my face. Her brow unfurrowed; her eyes brightened. I mimicked her. We laughed faintly through our noses. Tim pulled up on the driveway. I said to no one, "I gotta go." I stood and moved toward the car.
"Bye, Gregory!" She waved emphatically. I turned my head, looking at nothing, and raised my right hand to her.
"Bye, Katy."

9. 10.

AlphaBetiCalLy Supportive

Apples belong.
Beta carotene.
Compact decision.
Deluge emerging.
Every fuck.
Fucking god.
Gold hero.
Heaven's iglesia.
I joke.
Just Kiddo.
Killing Libedos.
Lasting Moral.
Messy Nomenclature.
Noble Object.
Omniscient Persuader.
Practical Quest.
Quiet Remembrance.
Real science.
Scalding tea.
Treasonous utilitarian.
Untimely vacancy.
Venerated widow.
Wild xylophone.
Xanadu's youth.
You're zeroing.
Zephyrs arise.

                                                    Goodnight, mo.
I am wearing underwear.
I am the CEO of 500 fortune 500 countries.

                 If his head is crunchy and her genitals (and all of her internal reproductive organs (the function of Life (her whole human body) is to reproduce itself)) are as soft and smooth as warm, pure water, then I can relax at 4:38 pm, while Dinosaur Jr. plays from the car speakers, broadcast by KUTX, as I am leaving Bastrop, TX, driving my mom's car back to my apartment in Austin; my mother and I are going to a Thai restaurant to meet family to acknowledge my brother Patrick's 33rd birthday; it's election night, 2016, and I'm watching Live NBC coverage on Youtube on my TV and listening to the album Acapulco by Cribshitter, and I drank 2 mugs of Malbec; OK, now I'm done.

Happy USA Write-Away

I wrote away my days like a nihilist;
I rode supersonic waves that science missed.

Popular demand produced a chaos fetish;
Unable to stand, I became an otter fish.

Hellish water cycles and other worldly maps
Expunged our ubiquitous Navy Garden chaps.

Artichoke Fever Month had me gasping for light;
I wound up sleeping at my neighbor's overnight.

In-No-cent, dumb, naive, foolish, idiote-Que,
All the ways of being Happy in the USA.

+

Most mornings I think yesterday was Baghdad.
I walk on tepid streets wond'ring if Gal-a-had.
I used to be a woman, but now they run me monad.

The End

Music. Numbers.
Fire. Brothers.
It's night time.
The death of my mind.

It's early enough to lie in bed.
It's cold enough to keep my eyes closed.
Strings. Strains.
I rub my cheek on the pillow case.

Words printed on pages,
torn to unreadable pieces,
laid in the trash,
yyiuiyttm,kulfytsd /   ?G:

All rite, break time

you prove to your promise

hands dig through gross pre-soil

oh you're out of time, Stand up, Leave the walls.

10/27/16 ... late internet What...

our beauty son, Dairy

I don't carrot a Michigan saddle horse

Rock and Roll Spaceship (Song)

Slow Verse 1:

Rock and roll spaceship,
the moon is your bitch.

You look like a Neptune
with pizza for lips.

Slow Verse 2:

A Siamese kitchen,
a carpet of grass,

slimy potatoes,
a bowl full of laughs

Slower Chorus:

Run away from
your fundamental cares

Sleep under
the harrowing stairs

Blissdoubt

These people were 4 years old in 1994. They were named Ashley Oney, Gregory Wredberg, and Kimberly Boike. They were also given middle names. They had dirty blond and brown-dirt, dry clean hairs. They had many skin colors each, different from each other, from the light Crayolas, beige and brown, like northern summer tree bark.

Now this must be shared: They went to at least 3 of Montreal concerts, I don't remember exactly.
I don't exactly remember if Greg imagined fucking Kim or Ashley, or kissing them... but now I am almost certain He did, eventually, the Porn of his childhood.

Kevin Barns were Very Sexy. I got little boners. I got Italian Red Wine. Greg and Kim went on a few romantic dates, but Kim moved on, but they were still friends, and Greg hung out with Ashley more than any other non-family member, and he thinks he may have loved her, however inactively.
They were Many Movies and Music. They were Schools and Jobs at Businesses. Trees and Concrete were everywhere, Goddamn blue skies, Big Biutiful Grey Clouds.
Whatever, Suck your balls.
We played a game, and we dreamed.
I hate every thought that I thought about.
I drank 8 Liters of Water,
Holy Austin, Blissful Bastrop,
doin' sex with 16 year-old white trash girls. Too-expensive suburban homes,
WOW, Two parents, Goddamn Brothers,
EWW, Desktops and Laptops,
The Fucking Internet Especially Youtube

Then they all left, there they were.
An asphalt road 300 miles long, 300 turns and veers and exits, 3,000 days. 3 little poor dumb people, I said to them. How about Hallelujah at the high school's littlest gymnasium;
A foolish regurgitation of fallow memories, doin' drugs alone, havin' sex with primitive electronic technology.
Ashley, Greg, and Kim met again at their 10 year high school reunion. Only one chunky clunky kid committed himself to suicide in the dark recess at middle school, bloody brick trails to your Generation Eroding Plastic. Growth on the Air of Abiding Cooks and Faithful Gardeners.

Objective

Lake Bell Tonight

Song: Contempory Hoppin' Rap Pop Groove Town Ship Happy Not-Rape, Dance Till We Die, Have baby, eat thanksgiving, give them half my Monies.

"You can be orange; you can change your minds."

My objective, for living life with us around here now foreseeable, is to trace the outer edge of Lake Bell's lips with my fingers, around and around. And we should stare at each other's facial features and study the tiniest expressions and shapes to learn about each other as this moment, then concrete the past to change into our future lives together, made sacrifice, choices obligate and deny fun for other more valuable and sincere love apologies.

The End

I watched most of Wet Hot American Summer First Day of Camp today. I have one episode left. I googled Lake Bell as I watched. I looked at photos of her, with and without clothes for a while. I masturbated while looking at photos of her naked. I think they were supposed to be private photos.  I was not even really sexually aroused. I was just completely fascinated by staring at photos of her, thinking I will never see anything more attractive. I got sad and frustrated that I will most likely never be intimate with her or anyone remotely like her.

I feel like being a better person now. I feel like enjoying life more... I am enjoying life more. Lake Bell made me like life and being alive more. I want to be someone who other people can admire, and I want to excite other people.

I like Michael Showalter a lot. I laughed out loud at a few parts of First Day of Camp. The physical gags are really good {: HAha,

Good noigjtt Everyone!

Oh yeah I ran out of money but Mom gave me more!!! Yayy Bye, I love you Lake, I live for myself, I live right now, I promise to live all I can, I expect humanity and history to get better every minute, Eternity is a real fun time for everyone

The End