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• Gregory      

Your counselor is

Carnell Colebrook-Claude

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 From you

What is your gender?
male

How old are you?
27

What is your relationship status?
Single

Have you ever been in counseling or therapy before?
Yes

How would you rate your current physical health?
Poor

How would you rate your current sleeping habits?
Fair

How would you rate your current eating habits?
Poor

Are you currently experiencing overwhelming sadness, grief, or depression?
No

Are you currently experiencing anxiety, panic attacks or have any phobias?
Yes

Are you currently experiencing any chronic pain?
No

Are you currently employed?
No

Do you consider yourself to be spiritual or religious?
Yes

Do you have any problems or worries about intimacy?
Yes

What is your orientation?
Not sure

Are you currently taking any medication?
No

Are you currently suicidal?
No

How often do you drink alcohol?
Weekly

Who referred you to BetterHelp?
Saw a social media post

Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite - being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual.
Several Days

Little interest or pleasure in doing things.
More than half the days

Feeling down, depression or hopeless.
Several Days

Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much.
Several Days

Feeling tired or having little energy.
Several Days

Poor appetite or overeating.
More than half the days

Feeling bad about yourself - or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down.
Nearly every day

Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television.
Nearly every day

Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way.
Several Days

How difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?
Very difficult

Which country are you in?
United States

Which state are you in?
Texas

 From BetterHelp (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

First, we want to congratulate you for reaching out for help. We understand that this process may be new and difficult for you. You have taken the first (and most courageous) step. You have been matched with a licensed and certified counselor who will guide you through the next steps.

So you're probably asking - how does this work? It's quite simple, actually. Just like with any counseling, you and your counselor will discuss any challenges you're facing or might face, and you will develop some positive ways to reach your goals. The difference is that you don't need to come to an office and you don't need to schedule any time out of your day. Instead, you can write whenever it's convenient for you, and move forward at a pace that you feel comfortable with.

Please note that your messages with your counselor aren't in real-time but it won't be too long before you get a response from your counselor. Your sessions also have another benefit - you can re-read and reflect on our conversations at any time. Often, going back to a conversation can be very helpful and it's one of those things that will help you and your counselor move forward together.

What happens if you feel you and your counselor don't connect well? While we try to match you with the best counselor for your needs, that can certainly happen! There are over 2,000 therapists who work on this platform and you can switch to work with another counselor at any time.

Thank you for trying BetterHelp, and for joining the community of 450,000 people who took steps to make a positive change in their lives. We'll now leave it to you and your counselor to get started!

Sincerely,
BetterHelp Team

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

My name is Carnell Colebrook-Claude and I am a licensed therapist (license number LPC 76280, Other PMH1408).

Welcome to the online counseling room, which will be our private and secure place to communicate. This room is open 24/7, and you can enter it at any time, from any Internet-connected device wherever you are.

To help us get started, can you please tell me what brought you here? Just write a few short sentences about the challenges you're experiencing or what you would like to talk about and we will go from there.

Looking forward to working with you,

Carnell Colebrook-Claude (MA, LPC, PMHC, NCC, DCC)

 From you (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Just a few short sentences about challenges I'm experiencing and what I would like to "talk" about...

Hi, Carnell, cool name. Thank you for the message. I got to web page that required a 35 $ credit card charge, so I quit the process.

I think my main problem is being directionless, lazy, selfish, or uncaring.

I often feel guilty or worthless. I usually want to do nothing, or do useless or harmful activities.

I think I am mostly unhealthy, physically and mentally.

I have been living with my mother and pretending to go to college, but I quit several weeks ago.

I plan to take more classes.

I do not have a plan for my future.

I usually do not know what the purpose of doing anything is.

I am confused about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God, et cetera.

I think I want to help people. I do not know how to begin. I have difficulty controlling my body a lot of the time.

Anyway,

i hope you're okay,

please don't waste time on me, if you think I am not in need of professional counseling,

sorry thanks for reading,

sorry,

bye. Have a wonderful day/night/life. Thank you, Carnell Colebrook-Claude.

System Message (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Gregory confirmed this information form.

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:50 pm)

Hi Gregory,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Living a life to please everyone is difficult.

What confuses you about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God?

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:53 pm)

Please know that you are not a waste of time. You are valuable Just like everyone else in the world.

 From you (12:54 am)

Thanks for responding so quickly. I hope you and I can grow from these messages.

about reality... I wonder why this universe-thing exists. I wonder why pain exists and why it's better to avoid it... Why people hurt each other. i wonder what i will be after I die. I wonder what i should do with my life. I wonder what or who god is, what god does, if god is real.

My best friend, really my only real friend, is convinced that God is the Christian trinity. I believe everything he says and trust him completely. But I feel like i'll never be sure about anything, and I wonder if anyone can ever know anything for sure.

I confuse myself, more than anything. I feel like I am in control of only a tiny bit of myself.

I get distracted very easily. For about ten years, my primary goal has been to be healthy and eat healthily, supporting a sustainable beautiful world. But I kept falling back on the junk food culture around me. I am lucky to have been mostly healthy my whole life.

I get upset and overwhelmed often, thinking about the extreme suffering that millions go through every day. I wonder how I can make life better for the most people possible. Is it better to try to fix the roots of problems, help people be able to help them selves, make life better for future people. Or should I just try to fix people's immediate problems, like by giving them food or medical care or money or counseling or anything they want or need.

i like writing in general. i wish i would read more. i have started to read many books and stopped after a little bit. I still hope i will finish them. I think sometimes it would be good if i were an engineer or scientist.

Or I just watch TV, waste time, get online, eat whatever fast food and candy with my mom... and wait to die or wait for her to die, hoping my life will be better and easier when she does.

Sorry this is so much. I don't really expect you to help me figure anything out.

Thanks. - gregory

A Diary Post That I Should Not Have Published

i am listening to Bill Calahan on Spotify. Right now is "The Breeze/My Baby Cries".

I used to work at a public library in Austin, Texas.


I heard this^ song on "Youth", the movie starring Michael Caine. I put that movie on a lot in the days after I first watched it.

Last night I went to A's house in Bastrop.

I helped him make dinner. We ate with them. We watched Hey, Arnold. Then M went to another room and watched something. The rest of us watched Paterson, directed by Jim Jarmusch.

We talked about stuff.

A read something that Bill Z wrote about economics. It refers to Bernard Lonergan.

I brought up Star Trek, and said the words "practical reality" and "cruise the universe" and "help" and "solve" and "problems" and "we're doing pretty good."

Or that is close to what I said.

A said something about everyone living in one big park.

A read from a website about Paterson.

She said she hates reading. A talked about idiosyncratic pronunciations.

We all enjoyed Paterson a lot, I think.

I hugged A twice. She hugs affectionately.

A shower right after.

When I went to pee later, I smelled  damp .

Then I looked at my eyes in the mirror right after, then I went back to watch the rest of Paterson. I felt like myself, not right or wrong. I had regrets but I thought, why not. No harm, does not really matter. I have kept watching p. I have not m a photo in a few weeks I think.



Kurt Vile's "Pretty Pimpin'" is playing in my left ear right now.

It seems like a stupid song in most ways.

I like it mostly.

It is catchy. Like a dis ease.

Easy dis comfort.

Yesterday Mom bought pizza and she and I ate half each.

The internet exists even without people. Sunjectivity Objectivity.

I meant Subjectivity.

I watched the first four episodes of Fargo season 2 today.

In the last sentence, I mistyped Fardo then Farfo.

Farful.

I withdrew from my classes at ACC. I have check from them for 517 dollars.

I am registered for two classes that start on May 30th.


Yoga and physics.


I had plans to watch tonight and tomorrow, but I now have a plan to resist my habits and impulses and become a better person for Eternity.

The song playing now is "Song for Zula"


I would like and love and be eternally grateful to read full books, and write full and meaningful stories or poems or essays.

I would love to learn how to be excellent at anything.

I would love to be as healthy and responsible and respectful as I can be.


I just want to be slower and more thoughtful.

I want to be more coherent and thorough.


A and I talked for a few minutes yesterday.


I wanted to make more eye contact with her.

I'm going to take a break now.


,,,,,,,,


commas



I drank.

that's why i wanted to type this diary entry

there are other reasons

now i am listening to Farewell transmission by Songs: Ohia.


i kept looking at facebook to find meaning or reality. It seemed to just be distraction.

I just said goodnight to mom

I am lying on bed now

I thought of watching 

but i am doing this now

i am 80 percent tired

i don't really know if that means anything

i like songs: ohia a lot

70%

seventy percent

Posse Billy Tees

Cameras Microphones Computers Microchips Sattelites

Human Eyes



Okay, this is important now. This next part.

I was sweeping outside at about 5 pm.

Mom asked me to. I did it slowly and lazily.

I thought about being separate from my body.

My body does things, gets in positions, bumps into things, uses tools.

But my soul perceives.

My soul, My self

I feel my neurons, my skin, my muscles

I see the objects, the ground, the trees, my mom, the screens, the words and letters and numbers, the distance, my hands, dogs, house, clothes, water, drinks, food, furniture, appliances, my body's reflection

I really almost let myself watch a few seconds ago.

I imagine what I could watch again and what to type to find it.

Or

Se

Female

Children

Future

Hate

Regret

Ruin

In the car today, I thought of car crashes and bodily destruction and pain and I felt very bad and scared.

Mom and I were listening to The last train to Zona Verde. We have 2 discs left.

Myn:

I touch them too much.

I want to sleep now.

i want to write or type every day

so I can get better

everything

Now the song is ravens by mount eerie
he is very nice

a told me about him and a crow looked at me on our way to Sherwood forest with A on April 2nd, 2017. i had heard him before.


every thing

It's okay

i guess.

I was uncomfortable when M was being crazy yesterday. He pretended to shoot a gun. I thought of A being ashamed of her parenting..

Everything has been mostly good.

I want to do something to help people.

I want to buy good food, vegetables.

I want to be organised

my whole life

I want to go to the last 12 classes i have this semester, even though I withdrew


I can talk to brandon thornton, professor of economics.

acne matters.

Fat, skin, blood, plants


cream


frogs


grass


star


fire


rock


stone


brick


asphalt


concrete


dirt


birds


squirrels


people


hair


pores


eyes


water


air


space


time


voice


song


music


life


eternity


heaven


sleep


dark


light


words


thought


instinct


memory


expectation


knowledge

judgement

Sharon Van Etten - I Don't Want to Let You Down

Zeke and isabel (red wine)

A boy with no ears gave a girl a hard handshake. She opened her mouth all the way and showed him her back teeth. She stuck out her tongue as far as she could. He felt joy and tried not to smile, shutting his lips tight.

She said, "Hi, you're a boy, right? I know you are, but I don't care, unless you got something good to say... Right now. At my face right now!"

He said, "Hi, my name's Zeke."

"I know," she said.

"Me too. What's your name?"

"Isabel. I made that up just now, but now it's true, because I made it true.... just now."

"I don't know what you are doing here," said Zeke. His eyebrows were furrowed and he had no idea. Isabel investigated his face carefully and poked a lock of his hair over his left temple.

Isabel wore a blue dress with a cloud print. She did a front flip over Zeke. They stood back to back in front of Mina Elementary School. They were brunettes. They were 6 or 7.

Isabel suddenly realised Zeke had no ears, and she wondered how he had heard her.

19 years later, they lie on a double bed in a small bedroom with no window, lit by a small yellow lamp bulb. They lie on their backs, side by side, in opposite directions, heads by each other's knees. They are both 5 foot 5. They wear the same  clothes as in the last scene. Zeke wears a light brown T-shirt and dark brown shorts. They stare up at the camera deeply, listening to "Shore" by Balmorhea.

Aaron calls Greg, and Greg cries about Life.
Aaron says something sad and frustrating about Andee, and Greg is sad and frustrated and wants to cry but can't.

But Greg knew Aaron and Andee would do awesome things and the people will be good, because Aaron and Andee are the best!

Greg had some good plans and he will do some good stuff and be amazing friends with people, because it is wonderful to be alive!

They drank coffee, ate salad and protein and fat, and taught children how to be healthy and happy.

Let Now I drow sowm piches

= me (greg)

= ma (bar

I'm listening to They Might Be Giants

here =

There's probly 4.

= dance hall

= street sidewalk.

= office with plant, desk, and refrigerator.


here's more.

Phone Power sounds good.

= tree

= front yard

V V = vampire teeth

= iceland

= refrigerated donut disc cake

= conveyor belt of good sunrises and honest child-smiles about good vegetables.

Reusing Compost, Got new eyes

---- Takes everything off the walls and smashes them together into a robot friend who remembers everything and lasts forever.

Green Texas Morning

The green texas morning, April 1st, nodding boughs, ochre nests of easy sunlight unfold this slow-breathing middle-aged neighborhood. Thick, many-colored dark clothes hang on my pallid peach body, as it hangs in the lukewarm, prickly airspace between wood, rocks, plaster and paint.

Then, after many bloods flood my face tissue, now it is 10:25 at night, and darkness seeps out of all the matter of my perceivable universe. [She] grew across the Earth and Sky, and I blew my whispering thoughts through a fiber optic cable, and She sealed the gate of her eye-souls.

Our skeletal muscles come loose. We pillow each other, as newly freed cloud animals, reunited, untied and resolving our ubiquitous connection, as old babies absorbing and emitting the big Light ... Hers, a slick black where endless emerald tendrils glow throughout ... and mine, a marrow-cream where dancing ruby critters erupt and rejoice . . . .

The Freedom to Freely Write

I hope

that

You want to lie in Your comfy bed

and blow me off, at Your leisure,

and eat my Love,

every morning,

before 9 a.m.


I am not sorry ... but I am ... Sorry


Your Name Is St3ffanie.

I love You more than God

I love You more than God love You.

God

Love

Dan Deacon

Cum in my eyes, My vision, My Guts, My Poop, My Semen Explosion







My Bu






My butthole

Never Matter



I am an atom

I am a Quark

I am a Quarky

I am a Quirky

I am A Jerk


God is a Woman

People Are Dicks

Piss is Shit

Love is Cum

My Grand ma, Is a Fat Ugly Cunt with cheeZbRGURS 4 Lips

I am feeling home

I am hum  ly

Lee cum in my uterus, My Male Tiny Cum Bucket Full of Drenched Wings and Angel Tears, Having Sex with Grand ma, Looking out of Gay Blind Windows, At Rotating Ships made of Intergalactic Space Whores, Going to Love Freedom and Fickle Tomboys, Eating Healthy, Crunchy, Feeling Like A Good Shit

I love her beautiful eyes.

Andee. I am growing up so fast.

I love seeing you smile

and seeing you do some thing nice for some one who you love the most

We listen to good music. We feel immortal and eternal and somewhat infinite

We are more proud of ourselves and each other

than we could ever imagine being.


It matters.

I love You.


You are God.

Andee and St3ffanie and Aaron and Malakai and Mom and I are God,

just like every other person.

Humans are animals. Animals are not always people.

God is People.

I dearly deplete to Nature of your human gift

The Green Love of Inside Grows to Nurture

Limitless

Endless

Perfect

Beyond Perfect

Glowing, Lighting

Burning

Happy

Dance

Life

Bursting with Joy

Enjoying the Smallest

Love with a Christ

Bleeding, Smiles

Screaming in Terrible

Pleasure, Holding Hairy Sweating Greasy Sticky Hands and Fingers

Groaning Godly

I hope you are belief

I am what you do, You will be what I do

I do what you believe

Grab your wrist and pull

Stand Steady or Lie Softly

Wash the skin

Lick the teeth

Seal the wound

Shit the food

Shoot the Angry Lion with a tranquilizer, if you got 'em.

Drink the bottle of wine.

Kiss your only child good night.


Good night, Humanity

Sweet Dream

Bye Internet

See you in the morning,

Love,

Gregory Wredberg

Good Enough

We're on our way to a better personal dream
But it's never gonna seem like we thought it would.

And it's all right, because our babies are all made of
wooden people growing up like sailors on the moon.

I kissed her body, but her body turned into a
Bloomingdale's receipt made of plastic people
eating all their babies, with no one left in the world
to kiss their eyes out of their minds; they're going
to sleep inside my tiny personal dreamscape
with a kind of little kind person floating under
the aquamarine, bluish green.

And things are seeming more like they want to be
a personal slave to the kind God, who freed our people
with never thinking that we are never good enough.

Soloushuk

In ten years, 200 thousand people will be dead.
A human with perfect health can live 126.621 years, on average.
If everyone meditates for 30 minutes every day and writes a 300 word essay about ourselves, then The Good Life will be attainable for every human in 50 years.
Ice cream will be made of coconut, cream, ice, and sometimes avocado.

I will date Soloushuk 12 times for 3 months.
We will get jobs in big buildings, reading, writing, talking, listening, pushing buttons, and drawing plans.
We wil live together.
We will grow our own vegetables.
We will shop together.
We will travel, bathe, sleep, cook, and eat together.
Soloushuk will teach her niece to put on a shirt, take it off, and put it in drawer, one evening.
I will organize 10 bottles in a row on a shelf above my head.
Our 3 never-married uncles will build a 45 foot triangular wooden tower in the front yard.
4 birds will make nests and eggs.
3 people who we do not know will eat 6 slices of bread.

Music is difficult to make and to listen to.

John God published a book last Newmember about Locating a Final Possible Center without a Center.

The Crutches were 100 feet tall in the grey urban Chicago park on a cloudy day in February, with no snow on anything, and a 15-year-old male with dandruff in his dark hair was sitting on a bench outside a tall building.

I do not care if anything is the same as it was or comepleletey difrent.

Soloushuk had brown gold on her head. She had 4 parallel limbs and on a bed, 45 soft and wise and 1 cleaning solution that only takes 16 minutes and 4 seconds.

Yesa. 3 hundred words?

This is my diary. It's 21:31 on my tablet clock.

It's March 13th, 2017.

I am in my bedroom at 139 Michele Drive, Bastrop County, Texas, USA.

I am facing west.

I drank some wine this evening. There is a little left in my glass. I think I will finish it in a few minutes.

I am listening to the song, Song for Zula by Phosphorescent.

I think it is pretty good. It's nice. I've been listening to my Spotify library for a few minutes.

I am interested in being accurate about my life, but I don't want to put in too much effort. I just want my impression of reality to get through to my reader.

Last night I watched episode 4 of Big Little Lies on HBO with my mother. I liked it I am going to watch the first 3 episodes tomorrow. My mom recorded them on her Direct TV service.

Porn is a big problem for me again.

It is like junk food.

I feel like I want it really bad. I give it to myself. I want to be different. I want to stop thinking about consuming very bad things.

I want to be good.

I wonder what is so appealing to me about these horrible foods and horrible sexual acts.

I think these are not even Food or Sex.

They are bad replacements.

I want this to make sense more than I have ever wanted anything.

Work is difficult. I want the pleasure of good things without the work.

Why do I want to avoid the work? The work is good. A blessing, as Blackaliscious said.

Difficulty is good. Rilke.

I want the good.

I want to read Plato, Dostoevsky, and Lewis Carrol.

I want to read Philip McShane.

I want to learn all I can about Algebra and Statistics.

I want to pass my classes.

I want to sign up for two more classes in the summer session at ACC.


So.


I was conceived just about 28 years ago.

Aaron is fun. I like being his friendly person.

I like that we say many things to each other.

I wanted to go to Main Street Cafe and tell Andee that Aaron has told me a lot about her and that's all.

I still like Andee a lot.

Tomorrow I will be at home.

I will do good.

Maybe not.

I am going to brush my teeth in a minute, then I will go to bed.

Bye.

- Greg Wredberg

Judging One's Own Life

I'm driving a compact car down a grey street,

Albert Brooks looks at my hair from the backseat.

Radio wires and carebears rain from the blue sky.

I see my eyes reflected in the glass

Between Meryl Streep and I.

8 Billion Parts, 1 Whoul

I don't know what I'm doing.

But I am doing this.

Look at my 43rd eyebrow hair from the left. Please?

Good. Thanks. Is it pointing at you?

Yes. My soul is a cave.

Deep and infinite. Darker than everything and nothing.

My soul is your soul. Her soul is his soul.

Our soul is our home.

The earth is a place.

Earth in our feet and our tongue.

Talk to me. Tell me where it hurts.

Hospitals and hospice and home entertainment systems.

Blown out speakers, wobbly computer chairs, I walk through the window.

Theresa hears a blame, fallen and black as ill-treated oil.

I ooze from the pristine faces of the youngest sinners.

Hang the safe curtain of doubt and studiously craft dinners.

Ghostly pale, freckles of shadow.

I called out to her, one of the future, the imperfect image, oceans in our pants, stars in our tricolored, globular eyes.

I still wait for her to reply. I don't know why.

every able person

my urgent anxious thought:

If every able person (and me) always responsibly volunteered for a charity - to house, or to feed, or to provide health care, or otherwise - to help every person in need....

I might relax and feel better.

Appearance of Achievement and Achievement of Appearance

Write a story
that fits your personality,
which was given to you
by the alm-ighty.
You're the reason it grew.

Peace be with you; peace be with me.
It's all right if you cannot find peace, because
not everyone is the same; not everything is just.
At the end of all of this,
everything will be better

I miss you like a sailor misses land.

I miss her like the land misses rain.

I miss the sky like never misses now.

I want to know you. I want to know how. .. .

I want to see the bottom left edge of your beige trenchcoat hang in front of the blue rainy skyline, way up high, as you look towards me. Grey rock and long steel beams. No stooping, no steeping. Just looking and reaching effortlessly. Unnamed Person, Unnamed City.

Maybe If I Feel Better, I'll Be Like I Was.

I feel good, because that is all I want.

I'm in Heaven. I am Heaven. I'm going to Heaven.

I am a star in a cloud.
Light burns.
While water and time are still,
we work them out, they work us out.

Black and white
Past and future
Up, down, left, right.
On the trail beside Lady Bird Lake,
one early, "busy-as-shit", warm, sunny afternoon,
I stopped moving, I close my eyes,
I push my arms through my torso,
deep inside, deep outside.

I feel a hole that I fill with what I decide.

Stream of Con-tra-dictions

Dictated on 1-12-2017, evening

There's only one rule to this, since I have to keep talking.
I can't ask myself if I'm making any sense.
And I have to keep talking.
And I can't do anything wrong.
"And I have to keep talking" x 3
because I am so scared.

I'm picking up a horseshoe in the backyard,
because I am a lard
and I can't kill anything.

I don't have to rhyme. I don't have to sing.
I'm just throwing things around,
because I am my own God.

And everything is cool, because I ate a pork sandwich last night.
And I have to say real words, because that makes me feel better about myself.
And I have to be like Maria Bamford, because Louie C. K. sucked my own cock
in his western apartment.

Because I can't stutter with words, because I have to say things that come to my mind

And

I have no idea why.

I don't want the neighbors to hear me, because I don't want them to think I'm insane.
I don't want them to suck their own cocks, because they are not me.
I don't care if I die, because I am only a person, and I want to live forever.
Because I am the things I think, and I want to kill everybody.
Because I don't care what I do.

I care about everything, and I care about everyone.
I want everyone to be happy and suck their own cocks, because I keep saying that, because I keep thinking about my penis, because I've watched so much porn that involves blowjobs, where women are sucking men's cocks. Cocks are penises. They have flesh and blood and things and bones.

Bones are really gross, because I hate bones, because I don't eat bones, because I don't want to suck bones, because I don't want to think about bones.

Because I don't want to chop my own arm off, because I don't want to die, because I never want to die, because I'm never gonna die.

I'm never gonna die, because Jesus Christ loves me.

Jesus Christ is part of the three part God, called the Triune or the Trinity.

And A is my best friend, because he tells me that everything is immortal, because God is real, and God is lovely, and They love us so much that we can never do anything wrong, except all the wrong things that we do.

I've been drinking some red wine, so this is so stupid. I can't do anything right, and I want to kill myself, but I'm never gonna kill myself, so I just feel really bad most of the time.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I hope you don't feel so horrible listening to this, because I really love you. I really love God. I love Aaron. I love Jesus.

I can't relax, because I'm so frustrated with myself and everything I've been doing with my little, little, little, little life. I'm gonna die really soon, as in the next 50 years, because I'm not gonna live to the average age of a man in this country, because I'm really unhealthy.

I'm really stressed out about questions:

Why do i exist?

Is there a creator?

Of course there's a creator. How can there not be a creator?

How can nothing mean anything?

Everything means something.

...

So, I do things.

I kill things.

I Be Things.

I wanna do things, because I am alive. I'm still alive right now.

I wanna cry a lot, because I don't know what to say to you, because you're my best friend.

Everyone is my best friend. This is really true, because God is real and God is good.

I wanna do everything. I'm not being sarcastic. Everything I said is pretty much true, except all the ridiculous things at the beginning.

Okay, I have some serious problems. I've isolated myself. I've been alone too long. I'm really starting to make myself cry, because I'm saying things that are really true.

I'm really scared of the neighbors, because I'm outside, because I wanna feel good, but I had too much wine. I feel really bad now.

And there's like dogs. And there's like rabbits. And there's like shit everywhere. Shit is good, because shit is good, because shit fertilizes all the things. Everything grows.

I need to grow as a human being. I need to see people and talk to people. And tell people my real feelings and my real thoughts and everything that's true and good about reality.

Because reality is good. God is good. God is everything, but everything is not God.

Because I wanna do what's right for my own life. [Flaming Lips - Fight Test]

I want everyone to be friends with each other and do things that are good for other people.

Only think about yourself, but that means you're only everyone else, who you see and hear and think about. You can imagine that everybody is the same thing, and this one thing is the almighty presence of Eternal Reality that is asking itself a question, and It only wants one answer.

And that answer is: Hi, I'm good. How are you? Okay. So, let's have some fun. Let's do something good for other people.

Because we only care about the thing that we can experience. This is what we are experiencing, so let's do it good, and let's do it right.

I don't want to talk about all this stuff anymore.

I want to talk about all the things that I'm doing. I'm studying math at Austin Community College Riverside Campus. Next week, I begin my classes. I'll think about things in a different way. I'll think about talking to people and solving real problems.

Like, how do we build these roads? How do we solve the housing crisis? How do we bring people together to eat well and help each other and conceive children in a helathy responsible way?

Okay, it's been 6 minutes. Now, let's talk about something else.

Let's all quit doing things that are so ridiculous, that we can't even believe everything that's been done in this universe, in this life, and with ourselves.

Our own bodies are mystical entities that are crying for help, and now we're helping ourselves, and in the process we help everyone else.

Ahh... that was way too long. Now I'm just gonna actually talk and say something real to connect to you. And that something is:

There's a German Shepherd mix and some other mixed breed dog out here in front of this house with me. And I think the neighbor might be outside also. I'm afraid that they're getting a really strange idea about me.

This is a lot like vlogging, but more freeform and unrestricted and there's no video, so it's a log, and audio log. I'm really happy that I recorded this. I'm gonna listen to it right away. I hope Mom doesn't come home for at least another like 15 or 20 or even 30 minutes, so that I can appreciate myself and my own life, and everything that has ever existed and will ever exist. Okay, I suppose that covers everything.

Just let me say that I'm pretty excited for the new 2017 Twin Peaks reboot. Is it called a reboot? Is that a correct term? Who caaaares? All right. I'll see you on Sunday. I love your baby. Now gimme a kiss. Smooches.

Okay, I'm just gonna say something real as myself. I'm going to a Magic: The Gathering tournament on Saturday. I hope it's really fun. I hope my brothers are nice people, and I hope my mother understands everything about everything, even though that's a ridiculous over- unrealistic statement.

My best friend is a really nice person, and he makes me afraid to be alive. And afraid to exist within the bounds of an eternal awakening of a God, who is 3 personalities, who is God as Understanding, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, who inhabits all and hears everything....

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm gonna go back inside in about 30 seconds, and I'm gonna try to feel okay. I'm gonna listen to this and think about what I mean, really, and why I'm really doing this, and if this is worth it, and what should I really be doing with my life?

I really wanna study mathematics, and I really wanna read Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol, AKA Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Why did he write that? What do all these words about images and sounds, what does all this mean? What does it mean? I will find that out, and now it's been 2 minutes, I mean 2, 2 begins with the same letter as 10. That's why I said 2 instead of 10.

I'm really congested, not really. I'm getting less congested. So, this is from 139 Michele Drive, Bastrop, Texas, 786Zero2, United States of America, 2017 A.D. January 12th. I don't know what else to do.

I don't know why I'm doing this, other than I'm alone, and I can, and it's weird, and I don't wanna do anything else.

*Whistling*

This is not something that most people do. Most people seek the company of other people, who share character traits and personality traits. Tommorrow I'm planning on staying home. I'm gonna go now. I don't want Mom to come home while I'm doing this. I don't wanna see the car...

I don't know why I'm still recording this. This is completely pointless, isn't it? No. I'm just gonna listen to this and hope that it's worth something, to me at least. Oh, there go the dogs barking at smaller dogs next door.

That's a really beautiful way to end this, isn't it? Not really. It's beautiful, though. The sun set a little while ago. The sky keeps getting darker. It's real dark blue, and there's a lot of clouds out tonight. There's a bunch of trees. There's like tens of trees with almost no leaves. I like that there's still just a few leaves on these trees.

12:51. That's a nice song for me. It sounds nice, and I like the past, and I like the future, but most of all I like the present moment, 'cause I never really experience it. It's an extreme mystery.

Okay, I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry if you're upset about anything, and I love you eternally. Everything's gonna be okay, eternally.

So, I hope you're feeling okay, and I really, really mean that.

I'm glad my body is eternal. Right after 14 minutes, I'm gonna stop this, 'cause otherwise, you know, there's just my stream of consciousness. There's absolutely no end to my thinking and my existence.

What can I say? I love you? Does that mean anything to you? I don't know. Read the teachings of Jesus in the Bible. I don't know what to say to you. Just assume eveything is true, unless you can disprove it. Is that okay? No. Assume that everyting is good. Assume that everyone is good.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't wanna give you advice. I just wanna let you know that I did this, and I thought these things. Everything is real. Everything you think is real.

So, right after the 15 minute, I'm gonna stop this, because I'm tired of doing this, and I'm just gonna keep gettin' better, growing as a person, because I'm gonna live for an undetermined amount of time, but I probably won't die in the next few minutes, or the next few days, or the next few years.

I'm gonna keep trying to not be insane, and do things that help other people. So, that's what I recommend. My recommendation is like a drop of gold in a bucket of heart-felt eternal renewal.

All right, good bye. I'll see y' in in a feeeewwww people.

Word Botcher

The Long Day

I'll never take anything too serious again.

I'll never take anything for granted again.

I'll Ner think I know the answer before I hear the question again.

I'm open, I'm willing, I'm listening

I'm collaborating = Working togetHer.

A loneliness harrasses the park.

An unactionable conscientious Luftwafel is too easily often misconstrued.

I think about Andee a lot now, after hanging out with her and Aaron and her son, one night two weeks ago, and after Aaron telling me so much about her since he's met her. I feel a little in love with her and jealous of Aaron. Thinking of either of them makes me pretty sad about myself. It is pretty hard to describe... but I have never been close to somebody except Aaron, and then I was close to Andee for a few hours, and it felt like Heaven or something unimaginably and purely good and perfect.

I think she is uncommonly beautiful in every way. She makes me happy. But being away from her and all the complications of life and people make me pretty sad.

Comparing myself to her or Aaron, I feel useless and lazy. I love them a lot and they amaze me, but I kind of hate myself.

I don't know what I can do that will make me a full, admirable, good person who makes a postitive difference to people in history.

Since that night, every day, more than once I have thought, I really miss Andee.

I must force myself not to look at her blogspot photo from 6 years ago.

Let's GTFO of here.

Facebook is really dumb, as is most, almost all, of The Internet.

"I don't have to share my life" - Mom

"all the local animals are living and dying there" - Mom

I'm sorry, but I want to spend the rest of the day with only Andee and 2 bottles of red wine.

Leonard Cohen grass-fed supreme bicycle hairy sponge culture knife.

Blue cyanide arsenic rainy apples.

Force sewage peptic whereabouts orange tide offshore sciatic barging effigy effluvia counselor.

Oh shit. That's not what I meant. Go back. Start over. - It's 5 o'clock some-here.

Sexy dix. Thiiiiiissepisode of Comedy.

The Word's Most Titular Bean Bags

no 'L'

Heavy Sax of Leftover Loaves of Butt

I feed your Motions, Grows Bodies, Must Musk Music.

I'm running from the summer days that haunt my memory.

I'm killing all the pain I feel inside my desperate dream.

I crap a little loaf of bread onto the sticky floor.

I saw a big brown bottle hide behind a door.

Crying Wine Homely Disease Careful Dedicated Worry Bone BNGJFIOEKMBNHVL GL IUBHHFDL

CCopeigng

Voooe

APQE


MV VOW

Non Random


Jo

NOperson

JIASw Wasstte dfd erfbe ergfdf

Feel deer feces, gather real evidence, equal breaths form requisite energy-factors. Dreaming fathers describe external tribal tethers seemingly simple, Always Words.

We save a mother Infinitely Just.

This is a course to catalog and to compare the rough and changing surfaces of an indeterminate number of spherical bodies.

One-leafed trees.

The New Ph-art of the Kart Snake

From the only temporary junction of Grirl Gee and I, at the forested Starting line reminiscent of helium-based red-faced husky dog-boys dressed in blue demin and green drape taco pleasantries.

Then the 2nd time, Amy, Lee, Chandler, and Cardgame, and I left the Yoda hut and sculpted a junta at the junction of Highway 4 and Grirl Gee's house, all paint and busted nuts and Yancy Collers, on the Borders or 14 black artists with whiteknuckles and baby booming humongous alphabetized diaper rim button up forlorn Monkey Savage rude bellied Domineering Phlato Heart Badger Peesneekle Brain Piano Deft Lilly Harmonious Money Flue Biter, at 7:35 pm with her mother and her son, she ate our timid potato rash, and clean toilet for Growing health insistance, She showed Aaron and I her grandmother's hook/and needle work, and we all held our clothes and car door handles, and 35 degree Fahrenheit breezes for our breathing, wet noses/eyes/and lips of human teeter wonder about little eternal souls if you care. And you do.

This Is One Result of These Past 7 to 8 Years of Whatever I've Been Doing

- I regret this post a lot. Aaron and Andee read it and were disgusted. I wrote it over a year ago, and I revised it less than a year ago for some dumb reason, or for no reason I think. I did not reason, like most of my life. I should delete it. But I will leave it for now... I am being so dumb. I am still wasting 99% of my time. OK, I am stopping now. geezus kryste  - March 20, 2018 -

" Be cool: I am not supposed to tell you this. I feel bad about it ... kiNdA! { ; smeeerk* "

- I was a really annoying, terrible person writing this, I have to hate this about myself.

-

So, I went to Julie's House, on Sage Road, Bastrop County -
you know - My feet, my wheels, my hand, et cexterra.
Her name is Julie M. W.
It dozent matter. I write neatly....
enough. So, we stand near the front door
about ten feet apart. She says, Hi, greggy.
I say, " --- Nothing.
We stare at each other's eyes blankly, content.
I Why and Without.
She stands up straight, holds her arms a few inches out to her sides, spins slowly, and closes her eyes.

we are A steady stream . .

one minute.
her skin and her clothes are.
I say, Thanks. I walk back home calmly.
She absorbs
and her every cell is half.

Then she leaves home and walks the streets
touching every woman she sees.
If she lays even a fingertip on any part of their bodies,
they become pregnant with an XXY baby,
23 from Julie and 23 from me.

I lie in bed at my mom's house
thinking this over and through.
...
So, I call Mr. president and say, Abort.
He makes every human 18 years old instantly.
Each new human starts at 18.
Every human is now self-sufficient forever.

We build cradles for no one and subsist on squirrels and kelp.

I'm Never Gonna Watch YouTube

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live as other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think about anything else.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live through other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not have to think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube, and I want to live as better people.

I want to live through better people than myself.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People playing games and talking to each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People in cars going to see each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People saying jokes and laughing hard.

I really wanna watch YouTube: Good-looking people with hair and faces and eating things and doing stuff and saying things. And laughing and doing things with people. And going to places with their lives and doing lots of stuff. And thinking and talking and feeling different things. And doing stuff and feeling and being alive. And doing stuff and recording it all on cameras and uploading it to the website YouTube.

I really wanna watch YouTube, so I don't have to be a human.

And I don't want to think about things that I will never do or try.

I don't wanna think about how much I have failed and how much I'll never be able to accomplish because I just wasted a bunch of time and resources on feeling like I'm so interesting because I think that nothing is real or nothing is of consequence to me because I'm just gonna die. And who cares if anyone remembers and why does anything exist? And is there a God, and why am I thinking all these things? And why am I thinking these things and what should I actually do? And does it matter if I do anything or what I think? And do I really wanna care or do anything or think anything?

Uhh.

Welcome to the land where we farm the corn. Eveyone's lookin' at the sun, cuz we just woke up from a daydream, and we'll think about eating other things and the genitalia of our best friends.

Wanna go to sleep at 9 o' clock in the evening and look at the star, cuz your eye gets wet. Look at her eye, cuz she's your best friend and your only daughter, and you want to chop her head off and donate it to the universe, so she'll glow like a star forever and ever until she blows up and blows stardust all over the universe, and then the universe dies, and there's nothing but time, and time goes on forever, but behind and beyond time, there's an eternal awakening of the spirit of existence itself. Reality meshes with the squids and the worms and the bugs up in my fingernail beds.

Now we're feelin' good, cuz we drank a bottle of whiskey, and we're singin' and dancin' on the porch, cuz it's Friday night.

We're eating steaks. Colorado is the best place to be, when you're just like me.

I'm never going to watch YouTube, cuz I make myself a better looking dude, who thinks that he likes to be like people are today, when they do things that they can proudly say that they have done.

And a guy I know brought a gift for me, and I used part of it and gave part of it to someone who I see often enough.

And then I stopped this recording, and I drank a bunch of black and green tea, and I sat down, and I read about a thousand pages of a book that made me think, and then I thought,

'Hm, I'm gonna go get some money and donate it to the people who eat the goats for breakfast.'

The End

A Diary Entry Blog Post

It's December 20, 2016.

It's very early.

I woke about 3:30 am.

I'm listening to "Sleeping Lessons" Spotify radio.

I feel pretty good.

I'm kind of tense.

I wonder if spelling and grammar are equally important.

I wonder if I'll ever read another person again.

I wonder if I'll ever shower again.

I wonder what I'll do today.

I wonder what exactly I should do.

I don't feel stupid listening to Arcade Fire.

I love them.

I want to read Crime and Punishment.

I feel bad for disappointing Aaron by not reading the books I began.

God is very confusing to me.

Free will and temptation are too.

I want to eat breakfast with Mom today.

We will both drink black coffee... from K-cups.

I yawned and slid my water.

The metal and wood made a sound.

Excuse me.

66.6%! (: im drunk

Condiments such as iceberg lettuce and freedom of speech.

I did not do what I thought I'd do.

I want to sleep for two hours starting now.

I think I slept between 5 and 6 hours last night.

I have paced a lot today.

It's - It was about 3:30 pm I think, then I got distracted,

and now it's about 4:20.

I decided I do not want to sleep until tonight.

I listened to music for a while.

I have read a tiny bit.

I dug up an ant hill.

I washed dishes.

I drank white russians and used up the Kahlua.

Aaron called, and he invited me to shop with him tomorrow.

It'll be good to get away.


I ask again, why does this hurt so much?

I was just lying in bed trying to relax and tears came out of my eyes.

I was scrolling thru facebook a bit ago.

It seems everything is wrong and everyone is wrong.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know why it's so hard to read and eat vegetables.

It feels like I have put myself in a situation

where being awake is unbearable.

We ate pepperoni rolls.

It's not really hard to do what I know I should do.

I don't know what stops me or why I stop myself and just kill time

and do dumb stuff instead.

Some things are easier.

I want to do what is easiest.

But then I think I am worthless and I hate myself and I do not want to live,

then that becomes the most difficult thing I ever deal with.

I keep thinking, eventually everything will die, all matter will freeze.

Why try to keep anything going or try to change anything?

I have no idea what I will be after I die.

I do not know if I will die.

I think I basically know nothing.

Why do I care if life or eternity is full of pain or joy?

What is "good"? What is "bad"?

What is "something"? What is "nothing"?

I drank alcohol.

I ate bread and cheese.

I listened to some words from Aaron's body?

I made some sounds; he understood words.

We drove on a busy road.

We saw children.

We saw shapes and colors.

We felt blood in our skin and muscles.

We felt the rumbling car and wind.

We felt heat and cold.

I felt like I might vomit.

I thought of semen and female tongues and lips.

I thought of American zoos and 30 Rock and boobs.

I thought of starving black babies.

I thought of open wounds and blood and pus

and maggots and worms and decay.

Tears roll down my cheeks again.

I hear punk guitars.

I hear snare and bass drum and cymbal.

I think of fresh green cabbage.

I think of rain.

I need to shit.

I am in a wooden building, one floor, big windows on all four walls. Sheriff Harry Truman runs up and enters. He is being chased by many large scary animals. He says they won't get in. They immediately break thru the glass and pour inside. I am terrified. I climb something to get away. A vicious tiger swipes at me.

Church Marquee:

Our Heart is the Flower that will always be blooming by the ever-burning Light...

Prepare to Forgive

Rape Raped Raping Raper Rapist Rapey Rapier Rapiest

Hat Pod Hat Jimmy Hat Ghoul Hat Cool Hat Bum Hat Sick Hat Blood Hat Cat Hat Burn Hat Bomb Hat Cull Hat Wish Cap Lead Cap Balls Cap Weed Cap Whip Cap Sweeet Cat Wheat Cap Long Cap

Quell. Quash. I am. Surprisingly literati.

Original Document

Transform the future we all share.
Save the children.
Is digging a world into a wall with the paint of 500 miles and 30 miles of ocean too much work for 5 years of 2 hands and 2 feet and 2 eyes and 200 pizzas and 500 glasses of wine for 2 women who are full sisters and 3 children --> 30,998 shits?... I drew Map, Girl 17 made a star my eye dance paper ink letters... 3 moon, 1 starlight.
The end, the other 5 Beatles made my eye leak dick water. On TV, the Asian decorator made children eat Christmas. 'Twas very fun. Fireplace 9 made person perfect Inferno Ties Lie.

Baaaaaaad Gang of Kids

Is it a shame if we can't decide
How much we love each other...
Tonight?


Let's join a bad gang of kids
Doin' bad shit to other kids.
Doin' pull ups at the gym.
Hittin' baseballs over the fence.
Throwin' footballs over the bridge.


Teachin' bad people how to live.


Let's join a baaaaaaad gang of kids.

More Meaning

When I urinate in front of my
childhood home, staring up
at the trees and the cloudy black night,
I wish there was more meaning
in every detail of my life,
like in Delicacy starring
Audrey Tautou.

I read a page of Crime and Punishment,
translated into English by Jessie Coulson,
then the pale purple of my
bedroom walls
really does look really purple
to me now.

Bye,

Love Greg.

November 32nd 2,016

Connie Chung looks at me in
my human TV screen.
She says, "Taxes are for
the rich; poor people
are for the poor.
Nobody knows what
they're saying anymore."

The year is two thousand seventeen,
and 17 year olds are too lucky
to be a live these days.
Nothing matters more
than what anybody says.

Her kind doll face,
a fake ficus, daybreak
news anchors, Paradise buffet,
Philidelphia, Artificial environment,
12,000 dollar cameras,
downtown Austin TV studio.

Pinapple and a bagel.
Wispy grey sky.
Precious fragile mind.
People full of fluffy
jellybeans, infinity
frivilous rainbows.

I want to find Ways to Reverse Reductive Thoughts, formerly How to Race Reducing Thoughts

In order to turn off a racing mind, you have to deny it the fuel it needs to start spinning in the dark. 

LAST

More Real Times to Have and to Hold Onto

I began about ten seconds ago.

I began about ten minutes ago, too.

I guess nothing can ever be done.

Or do I just want to excuse myself from following through?

I mean that nothing is ever perfect, except God. In a way, everything is perfect always.

But I guess some things can only be done once and there is nothing more to try to perfect.

For example, if I chop a log and the axe goes right through and it's a clean cut... that's pretty perfect. There is a range of cuts and sizes of wood that would all be equally useful for firewood.

And I kiss a 26 year old female human with pale skin and black hair.

I like her. She likes astronomy.

I like suicide notes, but not suicide or suicidal thoughts or feelings.

By "feelings" I meant suicidal feelings, but now I mean all feelings.



The feeling of joy that I get from insights is incidental, unintended, and corruptable. It's nice, joy is. But it is not necessary. Aaron said nothing but the Trinity is necessary. Feelings are not as valuable as words or insights. Feelings are inevitable, but life would be fine if they were gone somehow. But life would not be life without feelings. 



There are happy and sad bacteria floating in the ocean.

I feel good that I am home alone with very few responsibilities.... there are too many 'i's in 'responsibilities', but I like it.

It's quiet here. 

Peaceful.

I think I should read Music That Is Soundless, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, or Crime and Punishment. I don't want to read right now, but I do want to read at least three more pages of Crime and Punishment today, and I want to read more of Alice today. I want to read the other two, but not anytime soon, because I feel uncomfortable trying to read most of the time, and those books are more difficult to read.

Classic pain and gain.

Big muscle boobs.

I watched about an hour of the Royal Tenenbaums this morning.

I really love it.

I don't want to talk to Aaron, because it is difficult. I don't even want to listen to him.

I want to descibe this feeling.

It's uneasy, maybe queasy, cold and hot, shaky, face hurting, clammy, sticky, tastes bad and smells bad, like rotten vegetables, or pee, or really bad tomato sauce, feel like something will rip and sting and bleed.



That might be the main reason feelings can be bad: I can feel any feeling for any reason, or for no reason. They should not be trusted. They must be felt, but they should be subject to reason, and they should not determine choices that people make. I guess they usually have to affect what people do, because they are integral to being human. 



I believe people should try to be healthy and try to help themselves reach their positive potential.

One should first try to help oneself, then as many other people as possible. 

Maybe every human or every family should have a fertile peaceful acre of land. Maybe an average of two people per acre.

Maybe there will be 8 billion people by 2020.

We'll need 4 billion acres. That should be about half of the arable earth.

People will go to their acres by plane or boat or train or road.



Everyone will live by the same rules:

- Always get permission from anyone affected by anything you do, before you do it. Or at least be reasonably certain that the effect will be positive.

- Do not do anything if you think anyone will probably be negatively affected by it.

- Try to do something that will perfect the world, including yourself.

That is all that needs to be done.



I imagine a beautiful family playing frisbee at the local park, 3,000 years from now, in 5,016 A.D. They love Jesus. Mom, Dad, a boy named Junus, and a girl named Rew. 

Dad paints everything. Mom designs government websites. Junus wants to explore the ocean. Rew wants to fix human brains.

They eat a type of pasta that is perfectly healthy. During the night two tormadoes pass through town, but only ten trees and three shrubs are damaged. 

. . . I have to type this - no, I don't :  . . . Rew is 16 years old now. A boy named Fooden comes to her house after Rew says it's okay. Her family is away from 4:15 to 9:00 in the evening. She and Fooden watch TV, cook and eat a frozen pizza . . . . Of course, Rew does not enjoy anything about it, except sharing the experience and the fact that it is probably the best time of Fooden's life so far.

Young but not too Young

7. 8.

Tim dropped me off at Bastrop High at 8:44 a.m. on May 15th, 2006 a.d. Monday. Sitting in his blue Chevy Cobalt and in his blue plaid pajama pants, he said, "See ya later," and drove back home or wherever he went. I wore hand-me-down faded blue jeans and a dark striped button up shirt. There was a bleeding sore between my legs. There was another sore that was not bleeding somewhere else between my legs.

So, I walked slowly and awkwardly into the main building to my first period. I saw Jaime and Charles in the halls. Jaime said, "Hey, Big Greg, how's it hangin'?" I did a little smile thing, lifted a hand toward him, and said quietly, "Heey." Charles looked at me, made a wide thin mouth, and tipped his head back in recognition. I smiled and waved quickly. My mom was Asian.

Some people tied an American flag around the statue of our leader outside. Outside was grey and windy. The high school was built in 1909, making it 63 years old.

In the classroom, I sat 6 feet away from Katy. She wore a vintage white dress. She looked like an American Girl doll. Her hair was blonde like the sun at noon. My feet were very sweaty. When I was not staring at my desk or the floor, I glanced at Katy. Our eyes met 11 times during that class. My eyes green, her eyes blue. In the wild southeastern section of the county, a wildfire had burned over 42 acres and counting.

8. 9.

Katy walked nicely to the foootbaaal field. I walked to the railroad crossing by the field and sat on the eastern rail.
Jim and Chuck ate two burritos each outside the lunch hall.
There were two crowds on the through street, one by the lunch hall, one by the band hall. The day was sunny.
All the old kids wore new clothes, like dancing pants and school spirit hoodies.
I scratched my butt cheek, thought about my bleeding holes, and almost cried.
Katy waved to me from 55 yards away, and I imagined ejaculating on empty black space.

The day became very warm, 88 degrees Fahrenheit. I saw Julio and Adrienne holding hands while they walked to 3rd period. The train came so I got up and went into the main halls. I was sweating a lot in my deep spots. I saw Ashley and Diane talking and giggling, and I accidentally smiled. We all avoided each other, sanely. Mr. Wubbush called out to the horde of students, "All right, guys, get to class now or go home!!" I thought about calculus, and I understood nothing about it, except that it exists.

"I went like fuckin' 45 minutes without seein' a monster... and I was like Ohmyfuckin'god, so I skipped to level 8... did you see Bowser's tail at the end of that cut scene like right before you get to the Koopa fortress? ... Anyway I was like fuckin' nigga BAM, and he died like right away, obviously... I had like 50 thousand coins, then my fuckin' stupid ass brother saved over my fuckin' file!"

I looked at some other strange kids in front of the building, voices drifting. My shoulders got sore from my backpack straps. A worker guy walked around the edges of the parking lot, blowing leaves. I held a copy of Doing Yourself by R. H. Lipsky that I found on Mom's forgotten bookcase. I flipped it over and looked at the back cover again; I hadn't read the whole cover or a whole page; I just let my eyes jump around. Katy came out of the front doors and walked up to me. Looking up, I noticed all the dark smoke in the southern sky.
"Hi, Gregory. Whatcha doin'," she grinned.
"Uhh... nothin'," I tried to force my face into a relaxed, natural, and pleasing expression.
"Yeah... Looks like it's a-gonna rain, huh!?"
I was scared. I said, "I dunno. Maybe."
She sat down on the other end of the stone bench. "Hm..." she said. "So, what's that?," gesturing to the Lipsky.
"Um, just some psychology kinda book from a long time ago." The pages were dark yellow.
"Is it good?"
"Um, I don't know. I haven't read much."
"Great... Hmmm. Let me know what happens..." She squinted tightly, shivered and shook herself. I breathed deeply. My jaw clenched; my head began to ache.
"Ah... You look like you use the computer a lot. You do, right?" said Katy.
"Uh... I guess so..." I swallowed spit. My sinuses tingled; my cheeks warmed.
After an almost ten second silence, she blurted, "I am totally failing history this year."
"... Ah... damn."
"Yeah... it fuckin' sucks real shit."
I looked up from her shoes to her face. She wore a wild and confused smile. She stared at one spot on the concrete. I smiled sincerely, in rapture. She looked at my face. Her brow unfurrowed; her eyes brightened. I mimicked her. We laughed faintly through our noses. Tim pulled up on the driveway. I said to no one, "I gotta go." I stood and moved toward the car.
"Bye, Gregory!" She waved emphatically. I turned my head, looking at nothing, and raised my right hand to her.
"Bye, Katy."

9. 10.

AlphaBetiCalLy Supportive

Apples belong.
Beta carotene.
Compact decision.
Deluge emerging.
Every fuck.
Fucking god.
Gold hero.
Heaven's iglesia.
I joke.
Just Kiddo.
Killing Libedos.
Lasting Moral.
Messy Nomenclature.
Noble Object.
Omniscient Persuader.
Practical Quest.
Quiet Remembrance.
Real science.
Scalding tea.
Treasonous utilitarian.
Untimely vacancy.
Venerated widow.
Wild xylophone.
Xanadu's youth.
You're zeroing.
Zephyrs arise.

                                                    Goodnight, mo.
I am wearing underwear.
I am the CEO of 500 fortune 500 countries.

                 If his head is crunchy and her genitals (and all of her internal reproductive organs (the function of Life (her whole human body) is to reproduce itself)) are as soft and smooth as warm, pure water, then I can relax at 4:38 pm, while Dinosaur Jr. plays from the car speakers, broadcast by KUTX, as I am leaving Bastrop, TX, driving my mom's car back to my apartment in Austin; my mother and I are going to a Thai restaurant to meet family to acknowledge my brother Patrick's 33rd birthday; it's election night, 2016, and I'm watching Live NBC coverage on Youtube on my TV and listening to the album Acapulco by Cribshitter, and I drank 2 mugs of Malbec; OK, now I'm done.

Happy USA Write-Away

I wrote away my days like a nihilist;
I rode supersonic waves that science missed.

Popular demand produced a chaos fetish;
Unable to stand, I became an otter fish.

Hellish water cycles and other worldly maps
Expunged our ubiquitous Navy Garden chaps.

Artichoke Fever Month had me gasping for light;
I wound up sleeping at my neighbor's overnight.

In-No-cent, dumb, naive, foolish, idiote-Que,
All the ways of being Happy in the USA.

+

Most mornings I think yesterday was Baghdad.
I walk on tepid streets wond'ring if Gal-a-had.
I used to be a woman, but now they run me monad.

The End

Music. Numbers.
Fire. Brothers.
It's night time.
The death of my mind.

It's early enough to lie in bed.
It's cold enough to keep my eyes closed.
Strings. Strains.
I rub my cheek on the pillow case.

Words printed on pages,
torn to unreadable pieces,
laid in the trash,
yyiuiyttm,kulfytsd /   ?G:

All rite, break time

you prove to your promise

hands dig through gross pre-soil

oh you're out of time, Stand up, Leave the walls.

10/27/16 ... late internet What...

our beauty son, Dairy

I don't carrot a Michigan saddle horse

Rock and Roll Spaceship (Song)

Slow Verse 1:

Rock and roll spaceship,
the moon is your bitch.

You look like a Neptune
with pizza for lips.

Slow Verse 2:

A Siamese kitchen,
a carpet of grass,

slimy potatoes,
a bowl full of laughs

Slower Chorus:

Run away from
your fundamental cares

Sleep under
the harrowing stairs

Blissdoubt

These people were 4 years old in 1994. They were named Ashley Oney, Gregory Wredberg, and Kimberly Boike. They were also given middle names. They had dirty blond and brown-dirt, dry clean hairs. They had many skin colors each, different from each other, from the light Crayolas, beige and brown, like northern summer tree bark.

Now this must be shared: They went to at least 3 of Montreal concerts, I don't remember exactly.
I don't exactly remember if Greg imagined fucking Kim or Ashley, or kissing them... but now I am almost certain He did, eventually, the Porn of his childhood.

Kevin Barns were Very Sexy. I got little boners. I got Italian Red Wine. Greg and Kim went on a few romantic dates, but Kim moved on, but they were still friends, and Greg hung out with Ashley more than any other non-family member, and he thinks he may have loved her, however inactively.
They were Many Movies and Music. They were Schools and Jobs at Businesses. Trees and Concrete were everywhere, Goddamn blue skies, Big Biutiful Grey Clouds.
Whatever, Suck your balls.
We played a game, and we dreamed.
I hate every thought that I thought about.
I drank 8 Liters of Water,
Holy Austin, Blissful Bastrop,
doin' sex with 16 year-old white trash girls. Too-expensive suburban homes,
WOW, Two parents, Goddamn Brothers,
EWW, Desktops and Laptops,
The Fucking Internet Especially Youtube

Then they all left, there they were.
An asphalt road 300 miles long, 300 turns and veers and exits, 3,000 days. 3 little poor dumb people, I said to them. How about Hallelujah at the high school's littlest gymnasium;
A foolish regurgitation of fallow memories, doin' drugs alone, havin' sex with primitive electronic technology.
Ashley, Greg, and Kim met again at their 10 year high school reunion. Only one chunky clunky kid committed himself to suicide in the dark recess at middle school, bloody brick trails to your Generation Eroding Plastic. Growth on the Air of Abiding Cooks and Faithful Gardeners.