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• Gregory      

Your counselor is

Carnell Colebrook-Claude

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 From you

What is your gender?
male

How old are you?
27

What is your relationship status?
Single

Have you ever been in counseling or therapy before?
Yes

How would you rate your current physical health?
Poor

How would you rate your current sleeping habits?
Fair

How would you rate your current eating habits?
Poor

Are you currently experiencing overwhelming sadness, grief, or depression?
No

Are you currently experiencing anxiety, panic attacks or have any phobias?
Yes

Are you currently experiencing any chronic pain?
No

Are you currently employed?
No

Do you consider yourself to be spiritual or religious?
Yes

Do you have any problems or worries about intimacy?
Yes

What is your orientation?
Not sure

Are you currently taking any medication?
No

Are you currently suicidal?
No

How often do you drink alcohol?
Weekly

Who referred you to BetterHelp?
Saw a social media post

Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite - being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual.
Several Days

Little interest or pleasure in doing things.
More than half the days

Feeling down, depression or hopeless.
Several Days

Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much.
Several Days

Feeling tired or having little energy.
Several Days

Poor appetite or overeating.
More than half the days

Feeling bad about yourself - or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down.
Nearly every day

Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television.
Nearly every day

Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way.
Several Days

How difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?
Very difficult

Which country are you in?
United States

Which state are you in?
Texas

 From BetterHelp (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

First, we want to congratulate you for reaching out for help. We understand that this process may be new and difficult for you. You have taken the first (and most courageous) step. You have been matched with a licensed and certified counselor who will guide you through the next steps.

So you're probably asking - how does this work? It's quite simple, actually. Just like with any counseling, you and your counselor will discuss any challenges you're facing or might face, and you will develop some positive ways to reach your goals. The difference is that you don't need to come to an office and you don't need to schedule any time out of your day. Instead, you can write whenever it's convenient for you, and move forward at a pace that you feel comfortable with.

Please note that your messages with your counselor aren't in real-time but it won't be too long before you get a response from your counselor. Your sessions also have another benefit - you can re-read and reflect on our conversations at any time. Often, going back to a conversation can be very helpful and it's one of those things that will help you and your counselor move forward together.

What happens if you feel you and your counselor don't connect well? While we try to match you with the best counselor for your needs, that can certainly happen! There are over 2,000 therapists who work on this platform and you can switch to work with another counselor at any time.

Thank you for trying BetterHelp, and for joining the community of 450,000 people who took steps to make a positive change in their lives. We'll now leave it to you and your counselor to get started!

Sincerely,
BetterHelp Team

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 10:55 pm)

Hi Gregory,

My name is Carnell Colebrook-Claude and I am a licensed therapist (license number LPC 76280, Other PMH1408).

Welcome to the online counseling room, which will be our private and secure place to communicate. This room is open 24/7, and you can enter it at any time, from any Internet-connected device wherever you are.

To help us get started, can you please tell me what brought you here? Just write a few short sentences about the challenges you're experiencing or what you would like to talk about and we will go from there.

Looking forward to working with you,

Carnell Colebrook-Claude (MA, LPC, PMHC, NCC, DCC)

 From you (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Just a few short sentences about challenges I'm experiencing and what I would like to "talk" about...

Hi, Carnell, cool name. Thank you for the message. I got to web page that required a 35 $ credit card charge, so I quit the process.

I think my main problem is being directionless, lazy, selfish, or uncaring.

I often feel guilty or worthless. I usually want to do nothing, or do useless or harmful activities.

I think I am mostly unhealthy, physically and mentally.

I have been living with my mother and pretending to go to college, but I quit several weeks ago.

I plan to take more classes.

I do not have a plan for my future.

I usually do not know what the purpose of doing anything is.

I am confused about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God, et cetera.

I think I want to help people. I do not know how to begin. I have difficulty controlling my body a lot of the time.

Anyway,

i hope you're okay,

please don't waste time on me, if you think I am not in need of professional counseling,

sorry thanks for reading,

sorry,

bye. Have a wonderful day/night/life. Thank you, Carnell Colebrook-Claude.

System Message (Apr 23, 17 11:13 pm)

Gregory confirmed this information form.

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:50 pm)

Hi Gregory,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Living a life to please everyone is difficult.

What confuses you about reality, consciousness, time, eternity, God?

 From Carnell Colebrook-Claude (Apr 23, 17 11:53 pm)

Please know that you are not a waste of time. You are valuable Just like everyone else in the world.

 From you (12:54 am)

Thanks for responding so quickly. I hope you and I can grow from these messages.

about reality... I wonder why this universe-thing exists. I wonder why pain exists and why it's better to avoid it... Why people hurt each other. i wonder what i will be after I die. I wonder what i should do with my life. I wonder what or who god is, what god does, if god is real.

My best friend, really my only real friend, is convinced that God is the Christian trinity. I believe everything he says and trust him completely. But I feel like i'll never be sure about anything, and I wonder if anyone can ever know anything for sure.

I confuse myself, more than anything. I feel like I am in control of only a tiny bit of myself.

I get distracted very easily. For about ten years, my primary goal has been to be healthy and eat healthily, supporting a sustainable beautiful world. But I kept falling back on the junk food culture around me. I am lucky to have been mostly healthy my whole life.

I get upset and overwhelmed often, thinking about the extreme suffering that millions go through every day. I wonder how I can make life better for the most people possible. Is it better to try to fix the roots of problems, help people be able to help them selves, make life better for future people. Or should I just try to fix people's immediate problems, like by giving them food or medical care or money or counseling or anything they want or need.

i like writing in general. i wish i would read more. i have started to read many books and stopped after a little bit. I still hope i will finish them. I think sometimes it would be good if i were an engineer or scientist.

Or I just watch TV, waste time, get online, eat whatever fast food and candy with my mom... and wait to die or wait for her to die, hoping my life will be better and easier when she does.

Sorry this is so much. I don't really expect you to help me figure anything out.

Thanks. - gregory

A Diary Post That I Should Not Have Published

i am listening to Bill Calahan on Spotify. Right now is "The Breeze/My Baby Cries".

I used to work at a public library in Austin, Texas.


I heard this^ song on "Youth", the movie starring Michael Caine. I put that movie on a lot in the days after I first watched it.

Last night I went to A's house in Bastrop.

I helped him make dinner. We ate with them. We watched Hey, Arnold. Then M went to another room and watched something. The rest of us watched Paterson, directed by Jim Jarmusch.

We talked about stuff.

A read something that Bill Z wrote about economics. It refers to Bernard Lonergan.

I brought up Star Trek, and said the words "practical reality" and "cruise the universe" and "help" and "solve" and "problems" and "we're doing pretty good."

Or that is close to what I said.

A said something about everyone living in one big park.

A read from a website about Paterson.

She said she hates reading. A talked about idiosyncratic pronunciations.

We all enjoyed Paterson a lot, I think.

I hugged A twice. She hugs affectionately.

A shower right after.

When I went to pee later, I smelled  damp .

Then I looked at my eyes in the mirror right after, then I went back to watch the rest of Paterson. I felt like myself, not right or wrong. I had regrets but I thought, why not. No harm, does not really matter. I have kept watching p. I have not m a photo in a few weeks I think.



Kurt Vile's "Pretty Pimpin'" is playing in my left ear right now.

It seems like a stupid song in most ways.

I like it mostly.

It is catchy. Like a dis ease.

Easy dis comfort.

Yesterday Mom bought pizza and she and I ate half each.

The internet exists even without people. Sunjectivity Objectivity.

I meant Subjectivity.

I watched the first four episodes of Fargo season 2 today.

In the last sentence, I mistyped Fardo then Farfo.

Farful.

I withdrew from my classes at ACC. I have check from them for 517 dollars.

I am registered for two classes that start on May 30th.


Yoga and physics.


I had plans to watch tonight and tomorrow, but I now have a plan to resist my habits and impulses and become a better person for Eternity.

The song playing now is "Song for Zula"


I would like and love and be eternally grateful to read full books, and write full and meaningful stories or poems or essays.

I would love to learn how to be excellent at anything.

I would love to be as healthy and responsible and respectful as I can be.


I just want to be slower and more thoughtful.

I want to be more coherent and thorough.


A and I talked for a few minutes yesterday.


I wanted to make more eye contact with her.

I'm going to take a break now.


,,,,,,,,


commas



I drank.

that's why i wanted to type this diary entry

there are other reasons

now i am listening to Farewell transmission by Songs: Ohia.


i kept looking at facebook to find meaning or reality. It seemed to just be distraction.

I just said goodnight to mom

I am lying on bed now

I thought of watching 

but i am doing this now

i am 80 percent tired

i don't really know if that means anything

i like songs: ohia a lot

70%

seventy percent

Posse Billy Tees

Cameras Microphones Computers Microchips Sattelites

Human Eyes



Okay, this is important now. This next part.

I was sweeping outside at about 5 pm.

Mom asked me to. I did it slowly and lazily.

I thought about being separate from my body.

My body does things, gets in positions, bumps into things, uses tools.

But my soul perceives.

My soul, My self

I feel my neurons, my skin, my muscles

I see the objects, the ground, the trees, my mom, the screens, the words and letters and numbers, the distance, my hands, dogs, house, clothes, water, drinks, food, furniture, appliances, my body's reflection

I really almost let myself watch a few seconds ago.

I imagine what I could watch again and what to type to find it.

Or

Se

Female

Children

Future

Hate

Regret

Ruin

In the car today, I thought of car crashes and bodily destruction and pain and I felt very bad and scared.

Mom and I were listening to The last train to Zona Verde. We have 2 discs left.

Myn:

I touch them too much.

I want to sleep now.

i want to write or type every day

so I can get better

everything

Now the song is ravens by mount eerie
he is very nice

a told me about him and a crow looked at me on our way to Sherwood forest with A on April 2nd, 2017. i had heard him before.


every thing

It's okay

i guess.

I was uncomfortable when M was being crazy yesterday. He pretended to shoot a gun. I thought of A being ashamed of her parenting..

Everything has been mostly good.

I want to do something to help people.

I want to buy good food, vegetables.

I want to be organised

my whole life

I want to go to the last 12 classes i have this semester, even though I withdrew


I can talk to brandon thornton, professor of economics.

acne matters.

Fat, skin, blood, plants


cream


frogs


grass


star


fire


rock


stone


brick


asphalt


concrete


dirt


birds


squirrels


people


hair


pores


eyes


water


air


space


time


voice


song


music


life


eternity


heaven


sleep


dark


light


words


thought


instinct


memory


expectation


knowledge

judgement

Sharon Van Etten - I Don't Want to Let You Down

Zeke and isabel (red wine)

A boy with no ears gave a girl a hard handshake. She opened her mouth all the way and showed him her back teeth. She stuck out her tongue as far as she could. He felt joy and tried not to smile, shutting his lips tight.

She said, "Hi, you're a boy, right? I know you are, but I don't care, unless you got something good to say... Right now. At my face right now!"

He said, "Hi, my name's Zeke."

"I know," she said.

"Me too. What's your name?"

"Isabel. I made that up just now, but now it's true, because I made it true.... just now."

"I don't know what you are doing here," said Zeke. His eyebrows were furrowed and he had no idea. Isabel investigated his face carefully and poked a lock of his hair over his left temple.

Isabel wore a blue dress with a cloud print. She did a front flip over Zeke. They stood back to back in front of Mina Elementary School. They were brunettes. They were 6 or 7.

Isabel suddenly realised Zeke had no ears, and she wondered how he had heard her.

19 years later, they lie on a double bed in a small bedroom with no window, lit by a small yellow lamp bulb. They lie on their backs, side by side, in opposite directions, heads by each other's knees. They are both 5 foot 5. They wear the same  clothes as in the last scene. Zeke wears a light brown T-shirt and dark brown shorts. They stare up at the camera deeply, listening to "Shore" by Balmorhea.

Aaron calls Greg, and Greg cries about Life.
Aaron says something sad and frustrating about Andee, and Greg is sad and frustrated and wants to cry but can't.

But Greg knew Aaron and Andee would do awesome things and the people will be good, because Aaron and Andee are the best!

Greg had some good plans and he will do some good stuff and be amazing friends with people, because it is wonderful to be alive!

They drank coffee, ate salad and protein and fat, and taught children how to be healthy and happy.

Let Now I drow sowm piches

= me (greg)

= ma (bar

I'm listening to They Might Be Giants

here =

There's probly 4.

= dance hall

= street sidewalk.

= office with plant, desk, and refrigerator.


here's more.

Phone Power sounds good.

= tree

= front yard

V V = vampire teeth

= iceland

= refrigerated donut disc cake

= conveyor belt of good sunrises and honest child-smiles about good vegetables.

Reusing Compost, Got new eyes

---- Takes everything off the walls and smashes them together into a robot friend who remembers everything and lasts forever.

Green Texas Morning

The green texas morning, April 1st, nodding boughs, ochre nests of easy sunlight unfold this slow-breathing middle-aged neighborhood. Thick, many-colored dark clothes hang on my pallid peach body, as it hangs in the lukewarm, prickly airspace between wood, rocks, plaster and paint.

Then, after many bloods flood my face tissue, now it is 10:25 at night, and darkness seeps out of all the matter of my perceivable universe. [She] grew across the Earth and Sky, and I blew my whispering thoughts through a fiber optic cable, and She sealed the gate of her eye-souls.

Our skeletal muscles come loose. We pillow each other, as newly freed cloud animals, reunited, untied and resolving our ubiquitous connection, as old babies absorbing and emitting the big Light ... Hers, a slick black where endless emerald tendrils glow throughout ... and mine, a marrow-cream where dancing ruby critters erupt and rejoice . . . .

The Freedom to Freely Write

I hope

that

You want to lie in Your comfy bed

and blow me off, at Your leisure,

and eat my Love,

every morning,

before 9 a.m.


I am not sorry ... but I am ... Sorry


Your Name Is St3ffanie.

I love You more than God

I love You more than God love You.

God

Love

Dan Deacon

Cum in my eyes, My vision, My Guts, My Poop, My Semen Explosion







My Bu






My butthole

Never Matter



I am an atom

I am a Quark

I am a Quarky

I am a Quirky

I am A Jerk


God is a Woman

People Are Dicks

Piss is Shit

Love is Cum

My Grand ma, Is a Fat Ugly Cunt with cheeZbRGURS 4 Lips

I am feeling home

I am hum  ly

Lee cum in my uterus, My Male Tiny Cum Bucket Full of Drenched Wings and Angel Tears, Having Sex with Grand ma, Looking out of Gay Blind Windows, At Rotating Ships made of Intergalactic Space Whores, Going to Love Freedom and Fickle Tomboys, Eating Healthy, Crunchy, Feeling Like A Good Shit

I love her beautiful eyes.

Andee. I am growing up so fast.

I love seeing you smile

and seeing you do some thing nice for some one who you love the most

We listen to good music. We feel immortal and eternal and somewhat infinite

We are more proud of ourselves and each other

than we could ever imagine being.


It matters.

I love You.


You are God.

Andee and St3ffanie and Aaron and Malakai and Mom and I are God,

just like every other person.

Humans are animals. Animals are not always people.

God is People.

I dearly deplete to Nature of your human gift

The Green Love of Inside Grows to Nurture

Limitless

Endless

Perfect

Beyond Perfect

Glowing, Lighting

Burning

Happy

Dance

Life

Bursting with Joy

Enjoying the Smallest

Love with a Christ

Bleeding, Smiles

Screaming in Terrible

Pleasure, Holding Hairy Sweating Greasy Sticky Hands and Fingers

Groaning Godly

I hope you are belief

I am what you do, You will be what I do

I do what you believe

Grab your wrist and pull

Stand Steady or Lie Softly

Wash the skin

Lick the teeth

Seal the wound

Shit the food

Shoot the Angry Lion with a tranquilizer, if you got 'em.

Drink the bottle of wine.

Kiss your only child good night.


Good night, Humanity

Sweet Dream

Bye Internet

See you in the morning,

Love,

Gregory Wredberg

Good Enough

We're on our way to a better personal dream
But it's never gonna seem like we thought it would.

And it's all right, because our babies are all made of
wooden people growing up like sailors on the moon.

I kissed her body, but her body turned into a
Bloomingdale's receipt made of plastic people
eating all their babies, with no one left in the world
to kiss their eyes out of their minds; they're going
to sleep inside my tiny personal dreamscape
with a kind of little kind person floating under
the aquamarine, bluish green.

And things are seeming more like they want to be
a personal slave to the kind God, who freed our people
with never thinking that we are never good enough.