.


Pop culture, Friend Zone

Is draining.  I am drain

Part of my body was still asleep but I could not tell which. I walked crookedly. I felt permanently damaged.

And the rest.

Kefir, Eggs, Olive oil, Cheez Roll, Chocolate doughnut


I hope I am not building myself an intricate Hell to hide in.


I got to stop thinking about suicide and murder.


Mindless distraction. I was so shaky and tense at the start of my shift yesterday.


This need for space. I saw trailers for 24 Exposures and Tiptoes. What is Men?


Get happy, shopping, fast food, car, music, clothes, TTTTTVVVVV... Inter inter inter inter inter inter net.


Mom came to my work. It was weird. Simple, easy staff meeting... Gone Forever.  What am I doing...


I have to think well....


Have to finish the story... Do not get blocked. Reader's Block.


Tim Tomorrow. Pat and Pat... 90% fear of moral responsibility... Paralysis... Thick constantears... Thumbelina... Twice. Nice


I have to start and outline A Wild Fish... Consuming animals, being animals, being aware.


I have to shower now, brb

I had to stop Friend Zone and listen to Cowboy Dan.

Pat, Bridge and I watched Creature Comforts America after going to Target and Double Daves.

I wonder if Aaron will like Cowboy Dan. I am going to email it and a song I made up and typed.

He texted me about Meghan, which I am glad about.


Here from last night, sing:

Your lips assume more than your eyes
When I wish upon a star, all the people who you are
Wish someone would save us from the seat
The best defeat is compromise


I am eternally grateful for my active memory... I wanted to ask Mom if she remembers something, but I can't remember what...

I try, I do

It is

I commented twice on a NorthSouthWhispers video by Jordan... I am afraid to say/type how pretty I think she is, because she is 16...

I just don't understand... completely... 2 Weeks by Grizzly Bears... Everyone here,,, New York, Toronto, just like NY but without all the stuff. -Gavin Valoure. I was listening to Bossypants, audiobook that I got for free thru the library... Saturday I masturbated in the employee restroom at a library, which I never thought I would do... I am such a stranger. I went to late Guardians of the Galaxy with Kit and Lorena and they talked about how great Schlitterbahn is. Then Kit and I played tons of N64 games at his house and I slept a little while and my legs sweated on the sheets until I took off the comforter.

I listened to ASMRRequests read Thumbelina and I cried when the sparrow took her to the white marble palace. Thumbelina cried a lot... I don't know if it has any morals... I think it's just beautiful.

I'll go email Aaron now... It's enough.

Later bob...

OLLA

Patrick and Bridgett left and Adam went to get blood again.

I ate Birthday Cake Oreos and milk.

Things seemed more sacred and important, more weighty and beautiful.

I connected with their talk of fear and appreciation.

Eve put on music and danced and I noticed her shoulders pushed forward and I pushed mine back and felt masculine and I wanted to have sex with Eve. She looked conquerable. They danced and I enjoyed watching and thought of context and human nature.

Second viewing: About a week later..

I am quite attracted to Eve. Ava is more physically appealing, but she's gross. I was really sad when they kicked her out, because their misunderstanding and inability to connect and make Ava a better person seemed hopeless.


The vampires call other people zombies because they act mindlessly. Being an animal is part of being human. The only animal part of vampires is their need for blood. Plants also have physical form.

With endless life, they are free to love fully and honestly. The zombies are not really alive. The vampires are lovers of the best things.

Im more of a [Stacks] girl myself" ?

We dont know shit about fungi, even though life couldnt exist without it.

it's always a bit weird with family

diamond the size of a planet that emits the sound of gigantic gong

I love that; I found it on Youtube... - Of course you did.

That certainly was visual.

Beautiful couple on the plane to Tangiers. Blue blouse, beard, ponytail. Square jaws.

- I'm so glad they go to Tangiers together.

Fear of their own imagination

Music of drinking blood, heightens senses, drinking Kefir, goosebumps.

Bottomlessly somber. Absurdly playful.

Fuck, Kit! (Fuck it!) "Look what the cat dragged in" Shakespeare?

I want to love only the most awesome things... It's practically painful...

I want to know what the words that woman singing in Tangiers mean.

It sounds like English, "I'll be happy, Marlowe." Or morrow..

She seems quite attractive. She's way too good to be famous? Fame comes with being misunderstood and people wasting resources on mindless unworthy adoration, false idolatry.. or something

This is probably the best:

How can you have lived for so long and still not get it?
This self-obsession is a waste of living.
It could be spent on surviving things, appreciating nature,
nurturing kindness and friendship, and dancing! 


Have I told you about Sparrows Dance? Or have you heard o' it. It seems similar. I saw it at the Austin FIld Fest a few years ago. It's on Youtube.com

I always wait until it's too late
to do the right thing,
then I blame it on the clock.

Is this how it's always been? (High note)
I can pretend we are friends. (Low note)

Appreciation

Please play Balderdash with me and then let's die.

Let's Play Science


..................


Never what you think it is... OK?


Exhaustion

BUHHHHHH LOGGER!

Are you Halloween or are you a holiday?
Are you listening to what no one will say?

I am singing to you and sitting on a toilet peeing.
You are a cat and your back is black and you've got a lot of dandruff.

You are a motion picture!

This is Rock and Rock is God.

Inter-ference

Between Among, I am exactly accurate.

To bring to carry to suffer to endure

Hey. Don't write yourself off yet.

Yummy yummy yummy poop.

I like my sex.

Dumb enuff to be born... alive... survive... A lock o' pips.


Have I really been doing this? Life just flys by... At least it's moving somewhere.


I at least might someday try for anything.


Jesus, Just Yes Perfect... Latin... Perfect Human Latin Babies... Sure


Blowing your soul into a trumpet blasting Enormoose Blinding Deafening Crushing Galactic Earth.


Native American Name for the Land We Live upon... Food... Life... Empathy... Imperfection... Affection... Apathy... Integrity.... Apples.... Yesterday.... Love.... Christ.... Lose.... Pooop... Feet.... Afterword.... Eternity.... On the Course.... Suitable.... Limits..... Cross..... Bear.... Look.... Listen..... Possible...... [..... Gift..... Practical...... Abundance..... Human..... Acceleration...... Affluence....... Pizza...... Chums...... Oh Kay

Bye, Water.



Not a life. Not a life. Not a Life.

Not a Liver.

Just Coming Thru and Passing Out

And wanting more and getting more

Joy and Fear

I'm listening to Wild Tigers I Have Known by Emily Jane White. I am very serious. I just ejaculated a few minutes ago. I watched horrible idiotic videos. At one point, I thought, I wish I were not wasting this time. I thought of wonderful things just online that I could be looking at instead. What is the world? The USA came from English colonies 400 years ago. The song is over. (: Lil' Cap'n Travis...

I wanted to listen to Let It Be, but the Beatles' music is not available on Spotify, but  I could just listen some other way I think.

Now a weird live version of Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood is playing.

Haa.... The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth makes me feel 17. Driving to work or some other weird time and activity... It was weird at the time, and now it is something weird that a completely different person than me did.

Rain in Bastrop County. Shiny roads. Grassy smells, tall shaking pines. Mom with friends, Brothers in Austin, Friends all are strangers. I am stranger. I am all ways trying too hard to do the thing that turns out to be the wrong thing to do. I cannot imagine any other life but imagine other lives is all I do.

Sinking and floating and laughing and crying all at once.

I am so confused about what I feel, what I am, when I am... All Questions... Forever, There she is, Drops of Sweet Liquid.

360 degrees, slower than time, lower than light. Pushing Hard Forward on a Circle that Takes Me Back Around to the Same Life I Am Always Living

Always breaking, busting and transforming. But all inside a cocoon that never opens or changes. Then I just use the broken pieces to make myself into a person who feels new but will end up the same way.
Hopefully when I die the cocoon will fall away. I'll be a big beautiful gay Butterfly person. Hopefully Heaven really is for real. I want to eat some red meat... She is insane...

Ecstatically Ordinary... Don't you know I'm just like you? Yes, you. It's proper. It's extraordinary.
I was thinking earlier at work that I am quite stupid...

I watched Speakeasy with Dan Harmon and Mark Maron.. Hmm similar names...

I really hope you like me... I talked to Mom about how I don't really have friends that I hang out with and maybe I should. I saw Stacy yesterday. I was achingly emotional. I drove to Sunset Valley and it looked beautiful, about 11 am, sort of busy, and I cried a little. I still had to drive safely. I went past Tony Burger Center to see if the farmer's market was happening. It wasn't. There were a bunch of teens doing exercises in rows. I gave a dollar to guy on the side of the road with a sign that said disabled veteran. I was the first at the stoplight. He told me about his pension money or something. I tried to talk with him. I did not feel like myself. His face was red and bearded. His eyes were watery. He was chubby or fat I guess.

Now I'm listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I listened to Neurotic Society again . It's pretty amazing.

I have to go to the movie and talk to Aaron tomorrow. What is the worst...

What is happening in your brain?

I really want to know. I want to know. Everything.

Thank you

I want to be alive forever.
I want to do things I would never do.

semiconscious entertainer semiconscious entertainer semiconscious entertainer

Never not been so painful. Never not been so painful.

Never not been semiconscious.

NO!!!!

Ha, thanks.

You Know Very Well

Paul, and all.

Here it is.

Holding Hands, Nice

Two young sisters holding hands, one taller, one fatter
I am holding hands with a bag of trash, We pass by
There is nothing left for us
There is nothing left inside
There is nothing ahead or behind
I just want what's best for her
She just wants me to die!

Doo doo, doo, doo doo doo doo.

Humankind at the Library

I felt weird at work yesterday. I was somewhat tense. It felt good to stand and walk. I moved slowly and carefully. I was somewhat tearful.

I saw a young woman come in with partially dyed or bleached hair. Her face and clothes and posture reminded me of Nikkin. I was highly excited for a while. She walked and stood and sat and read in the stacks. She looked at getting out of debt books. It was after seven when she came to checkout. I said hello. I had been nervous about being charming and attractive. She is somewhat tall and somewhat pretty. I saw what looked like a cameltoe on her. That made me uncomfortable. In my avoidance of eye contact I think I looked at it again and I hoped she didn't notice. She got some mysteries I think. She said thanks and I said you're welcome.

A man and his daughter I believe came to the desk. He had a shaved head, a slight reddish tan, a red Abe Lincoln beard, and a happy face. She was sort of pale, pretty, adult-looking, and had long dark hair. I thought she might have been his wife or something. It was a little weird. He said she was getting a card for the first time. I showed him how. He had a slight accent. I think they come from Mexico. They're names are Victor and Alayna. They reminded me of House of the Spirits. I really loved them and I wanted to cry. She brought up three books of Manga about Biochemistry and my heart melted. They were perfect for her.

These kids were using the computer. A girl of about seven I guess and two older boys. They kept printing random stuff, like a sparkly girl's name and a pig. The girl came up to pay about 5 times. They were sort of annoying but mostly polite. They are pretty skinny. I hope they're still alive, and everyone else. I wonder how many people die in this town every day.
When I left for lunch, they were leaving too, right in front of me. A boy thanked me twice for all my help. I said you're welcome and have a nice day. It was six p.m. They walked to the back of the property toward the baptist church and climbed the fence. I guess it was better than walking next to the road. I drove past them.

During a break I sat on the council ring outside and read one page of Too Far, ate a Nature Valley Fruit and Nut bar and an apple, both very sugary and sticky, and looked around at everything in a new way again.


Bye for now

Album name/Song: Why are you listening?
Word-Based Movements in Space
The First Three Hours of the Day
Giant Diamond Gong: A Bigger Way to Hear
Different Is Idiotic When How Is Possible
Seven in a Day
The Same Thing Twice
I Don't Know What People Are


Hank Green: "I didn't think I was gonna do it so good!" I love those guys.

I got up at 8. I ate left over Indian food, chicken, rice, onion.

I watched Friend Zone and enjoyed it and laughed and got excited.

I fell asleep to Miss Bunny Whispers after I watched porn and ejaculated.

I planned to go to Boggy Creek Farm today and Springdale Farm, but I just felt like giving no effort and Friend Zone was tempting.

I have been writing stuff. It's mostly on here. I had a vague memory of a dream, so I wrote some stuff and made up a dream. It's over a page in my notebook.

I had some coffee but it's not that good. I may have made it too strong. It's already after noon. I chatted with Ashley on Facebook. I asked how she is, but she didn't answer, just asked how I am. I told her about Tim and Aaron and their romances.

Lazy Humans! I sent Kayla Dean a message to see how she is.

Gotta go! No I don't but I am.

Is this a good time?

Push Ups and Leg Lifts

The only time to do anything is Now.

In the words of the Flaming Lips, All we have is now.

Pat and Bridge went to get food from Asiana, maybe not the one close by based on what I heard Bridge say.

I asked for Tandoori Chicken... Yogurt sauce. I looked at Kefir in the store last night. I need some probiotics. I need less grains. I need fat for my joints. I am such a story of humanity.

My muscles hold themselves up. Muscle and bone hold each other. We still do not understand. Higgs boson. Cosmic Constant. I want to write a book called Particular Arrangement.

I am gone. I KNOW BETA BAND ARRON IS GOD PENGUIN EAT I DESHEVEL I DEMENESH

DEMONIC CHRONIC AFFLUMATION SIGNS SABOTS HABIT DESCRIBE IT DEAL AND SUBSCRIBE ARBITRATE ABUND ASSUAGE BLUNDER BUMBLE BEFUDDLE BEWILDER CRACCKS CRASS CROUPIER COOZY CLOSEST DEED DOUBLE DOSE DEEM DARE

There the end

Yo!

I saw Particle Fever. It is unimaginable how people can build something that smashes together sub-atomic particles at near light speed and records the results.

The Blank Man The Blank Man The Blank Man The Blank

Wiping my butthole. I don't get enough done.

It is almost 830 and I should leave this apt at 840 if I want to walk to work and get there on time... Now it seems like a waste of time. Maybe I should take my car the half a mile, maybe that's what it is for, maybe it is better. I don't know what to do for lunch. I'll have to stay at work or go somewhere close if I walk. Pat made beans and rice, but I don't want to use the microwave or take a spoon and bowl, and it is not even good for me to eat that stuff...

Drinking coffee and sweet cream creamer, Horizon organic whole milk.

I have to drive, because I don't want to get ready in the next ten minutes.

Everything is... Youtoob. My nipples... Chelsea Morgan. Living life and dying death. Superfluous. More Tired Successful Antithesis... On the way to Target for groceries and socks for Pat 32 dollars... Dear Friend... How Oh Yes I am....

Do what I am. Do what you are. A swollen rib and backwards spine.

Landlocked Blues stuck in my H-Ead.


Just cure just perfect, Done Done Done Did Did Do.

What is your name? Are you still were Here Her, We Are. Just Is? Just Do? We are? Are you?

Sick Mice, Refrigerator Sneaks out of the Kitchen. What if we turn it off, just keep it on long enough to keep our food fresh and once we eat, turn it off again... Yes? Or just get the daily food eat it store the rest in a safe place, eat it soon... Never Fridge or Freezer... Why. Why.

As Small as My Wonder

An old sunrise over a modern homestead
I wish we were still alive or awake
I wish my eyes would realize
what they see is not a mistake

I know Pluto is as big as a field, as small as my wonder.
I thought Pluto was as big as a field, as small as my wonder.
I saw Pluto as big as a field, as small as my wonder.

I wish it were big, as big as the universe.
I wish I were big, as big as the universe.

I wish I could see everything, as small as my wonder.

Walking forever, I make no mistake.
I love this, I love this, I love this

What an interesting turn of the road, I don't feel good anymore.

Repost

I know what children are and what they will be; they will be dead.
Promises made in their heads. And I won't care; I'll be in the air.
Particles on a mission of peace. Wipe out the human race.
Sleep indoors and never leave a trace.

I'm afraid of what they'll say. As I lift them out of their graves.
Little children crawling up my legs. And holding backing my arms.
Reshaping my face. Into the eyes of the world.
Repeating everything we have done.

So we never began. So we never began.
So what we never began. So what we never began.
So what if we never began? So what if we never began?