I miss you like a sailor misses land.

I miss her like the land misses rain.

I miss the sky like never misses now.

I want to know you. I want to know how. .. .

I want to see the bottom left edge of your beige trenchcoat hang in front of the blue rainy skyline, way up high, as you look towards me. Grey rock and long steel beams. No stooping, no steeping. Just looking and reaching effortlessly. Unnamed Person, Unnamed City.

Maybe If I Feel Better, I'll Be Like I Was.

I feel good, because that is all I want.

I'm in Heaven. I am Heaven. I'm going to Heaven.

I am a star in a cloud.
Light burns.
While water and time are still,
we work them out, they work us out.

Black and white
Past and future
Up, down, left, right.
On the trail beside Lady Bird Lake,
one early, "busy-as-shit", warm, sunny afternoon,
I stopped moving, I close my eyes,
I push my arms through my torso,
deep inside, deep outside.

I feel a hole that I fill with what I decide.

Stream of Con-tra-dictions

Dictated on 1-12-2017, evening

There's only one rule to this, since I have to keep talking.
I can't ask myself if I'm making any sense.
And I have to keep talking.
And I can't do anything wrong.
"And I have to keep talking" x 3
because I am so scared.

I'm picking up a horseshoe in the backyard,
because I am a lard
and I can't kill anything.

I don't have to rhyme. I don't have to sing.
I'm just throwing things around,
because I am my own God.

And everything is cool, because I ate a pork sandwich last night.
And I have to say real words, because that makes me feel better about myself.
And I have to be like Maria Bamford, because Louie C. K. sucked my own cock
in his western apartment.

Because I can't stutter with words, because I have to say things that come to my mind

And

I have no idea why.

I don't want the neighbors to hear me, because I don't want them to think I'm insane.
I don't want them to suck their own cocks, because they are not me.
I don't care if I die, because I am only a person, and I want to live forever.
Because I am the things I think, and I want to kill everybody.
Because I don't care what I do.

I care about everything, and I care about everyone.
I want everyone to be happy and suck their own cocks, because I keep saying that, because I keep thinking about my penis, because I've watched so much porn that involves blowjobs, where women are sucking men's cocks. Cocks are penises. They have flesh and blood and things and bones.

Bones are really gross, because I hate bones, because I don't eat bones, because I don't want to suck bones, because I don't want to think about bones.

Because I don't want to chop my own arm off, because I don't want to die, because I never want to die, because I'm never gonna die.

I'm never gonna die, because Jesus Christ loves me.

Jesus Christ is part of the three part God, called the Triune or the Trinity.

And A is my best friend, because he tells me that everything is immortal, because God is real, and God is lovely, and They love us so much that we can never do anything wrong, except all the wrong things that we do.

I've been drinking some red wine, so this is so stupid. I can't do anything right, and I want to kill myself, but I'm never gonna kill myself, so I just feel really bad most of the time.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I hope you don't feel so horrible listening to this, because I really love you. I really love God. I love Aaron. I love Jesus.

I can't relax, because I'm so frustrated with myself and everything I've been doing with my little, little, little, little life. I'm gonna die really soon, as in the next 50 years, because I'm not gonna live to the average age of a man in this country, because I'm really unhealthy.

I'm really stressed out about questions:

Why do i exist?

Is there a creator?

Of course there's a creator. How can there not be a creator?

How can nothing mean anything?

Everything means something.

...

So, I do things.

I kill things.

I Be Things.

I wanna do things, because I am alive. I'm still alive right now.

I wanna cry a lot, because I don't know what to say to you, because you're my best friend.

Everyone is my best friend. This is really true, because God is real and God is good.

I wanna do everything. I'm not being sarcastic. Everything I said is pretty much true, except all the ridiculous things at the beginning.

Okay, I have some serious problems. I've isolated myself. I've been alone too long. I'm really starting to make myself cry, because I'm saying things that are really true.

I'm really scared of the neighbors, because I'm outside, because I wanna feel good, but I had too much wine. I feel really bad now.

And there's like dogs. And there's like rabbits. And there's like shit everywhere. Shit is good, because shit is good, because shit fertilizes all the things. Everything grows.

I need to grow as a human being. I need to see people and talk to people. And tell people my real feelings and my real thoughts and everything that's true and good about reality.

Because reality is good. God is good. God is everything, but everything is not God.

Because I wanna do what's right for my own life. [Flaming Lips - Fight Test]

I want everyone to be friends with each other and do things that are good for other people.

Only think about yourself, but that means you're only everyone else, who you see and hear and think about. You can imagine that everybody is the same thing, and this one thing is the almighty presence of Eternal Reality that is asking itself a question, and It only wants one answer.

And that answer is: Hi, I'm good. How are you? Okay. So, let's have some fun. Let's do something good for other people.

Because we only care about the thing that we can experience. This is what we are experiencing, so let's do it good, and let's do it right.

I don't want to talk about all this stuff anymore.

I want to talk about all the things that I'm doing. I'm studying math at Austin Community College Riverside Campus. Next week, I begin my classes. I'll think about things in a different way. I'll think about talking to people and solving real problems.

Like, how do we build these roads? How do we solve the housing crisis? How do we bring people together to eat well and help each other and conceive children in a helathy responsible way?

Okay, it's been 6 minutes. Now, let's talk about something else.

Let's all quit doing things that are so ridiculous, that we can't even believe everything that's been done in this universe, in this life, and with ourselves.

Our own bodies are mystical entities that are crying for help, and now we're helping ourselves, and in the process we help everyone else.

Ahh... that was way too long. Now I'm just gonna actually talk and say something real to connect to you. And that something is:

There's a German Shepherd mix and some other mixed breed dog out here in front of this house with me. And I think the neighbor might be outside also. I'm afraid that they're getting a really strange idea about me.

This is a lot like vlogging, but more freeform and unrestricted and there's no video, so it's a log, and audio log. I'm really happy that I recorded this. I'm gonna listen to it right away. I hope Mom doesn't come home for at least another like 15 or 20 or even 30 minutes, so that I can appreciate myself and my own life, and everything that has ever existed and will ever exist. Okay, I suppose that covers everything.

Just let me say that I'm pretty excited for the new 2017 Twin Peaks reboot. Is it called a reboot? Is that a correct term? Who caaaares? All right. I'll see you on Sunday. I love your baby. Now gimme a kiss. Smooches.

Okay, I'm just gonna say something real as myself. I'm going to a Magic: The Gathering tournament on Saturday. I hope it's really fun. I hope my brothers are nice people, and I hope my mother understands everything about everything, even though that's a ridiculous over- unrealistic statement.

My best friend is a really nice person, and he makes me afraid to be alive. And afraid to exist within the bounds of an eternal awakening of a God, who is 3 personalities, who is God as Understanding, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, who inhabits all and hears everything....

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm gonna go back inside in about 30 seconds, and I'm gonna try to feel okay. I'm gonna listen to this and think about what I mean, really, and why I'm really doing this, and if this is worth it, and what should I really be doing with my life?

I really wanna study mathematics, and I really wanna read Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol, AKA Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. Why did he write that? What do all these words about images and sounds, what does all this mean? What does it mean? I will find that out, and now it's been 2 minutes, I mean 2, 2 begins with the same letter as 10. That's why I said 2 instead of 10.

I'm really congested, not really. I'm getting less congested. So, this is from 139 Michele Drive, Bastrop, Texas, 786Zero2, United States of America, 2017 A.D. January 12th. I don't know what else to do.

I don't know why I'm doing this, other than I'm alone, and I can, and it's weird, and I don't wanna do anything else.

*Whistling*

This is not something that most people do. Most people seek the company of other people, who share character traits and personality traits. Tommorrow I'm planning on staying home. I'm gonna go now. I don't want Mom to come home while I'm doing this. I don't wanna see the car...

I don't know why I'm still recording this. This is completely pointless, isn't it? No. I'm just gonna listen to this and hope that it's worth something, to me at least. Oh, there go the dogs barking at smaller dogs next door.

That's a really beautiful way to end this, isn't it? Not really. It's beautiful, though. The sun set a little while ago. The sky keeps getting darker. It's real dark blue, and there's a lot of clouds out tonight. There's a bunch of trees. There's like tens of trees with almost no leaves. I like that there's still just a few leaves on these trees.

12:51. That's a nice song for me. It sounds nice, and I like the past, and I like the future, but most of all I like the present moment, 'cause I never really experience it. It's an extreme mystery.

Okay, I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry if you're upset about anything, and I love you eternally. Everything's gonna be okay, eternally.

So, I hope you're feeling okay, and I really, really mean that.

I'm glad my body is eternal. Right after 14 minutes, I'm gonna stop this, 'cause otherwise, you know, there's just my stream of consciousness. There's absolutely no end to my thinking and my existence.

What can I say? I love you? Does that mean anything to you? I don't know. Read the teachings of Jesus in the Bible. I don't know what to say to you. Just assume eveything is true, unless you can disprove it. Is that okay? No. Assume that everyting is good. Assume that everyone is good.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't wanna give you advice. I just wanna let you know that I did this, and I thought these things. Everything is real. Everything you think is real.

So, right after the 15 minute, I'm gonna stop this, because I'm tired of doing this, and I'm just gonna keep gettin' better, growing as a person, because I'm gonna live for an undetermined amount of time, but I probably won't die in the next few minutes, or the next few days, or the next few years.

I'm gonna keep trying to not be insane, and do things that help other people. So, that's what I recommend. My recommendation is like a drop of gold in a bucket of heart-felt eternal renewal.

All right, good bye. I'll see y' in in a feeeewwww people.

Word Botcher

The Long Day

I'll never take anything too serious again.

I'll never take anything for granted again.

I'll Ner think I know the answer before I hear the question again.

I'm open, I'm willing, I'm listening

I'm collaborating = Working togetHer.

A loneliness harrasses the park.

An unactionable conscientious Luftwafel is too easily often misconstrued.

I think about Andee a lot now, after hanging out with her and Aaron and her son, one night two weeks ago, and after Aaron telling me so much about her since he's met her. I feel a little in love with her and jealous of Aaron. Thinking of either of them makes me pretty sad about myself. It is pretty hard to describe... but I have never been close to somebody except Aaron, and then I was close to Andee for a few hours, and it felt like Heaven or something unimaginably and purely good and perfect.

I think she is uncommonly beautiful in every way. She makes me happy. But being away from her and all the complications of life and people make me pretty sad.

Comparing myself to her or Aaron, I feel useless and lazy. I love them a lot and they amaze me, but I kind of hate myself.

I don't know what I can do that will make me a full, admirable, good person who makes a postitive difference to people in history.

Since that night, every day, more than once I have thought, I really miss Andee.

I must force myself not to look at her blogspot photo from 6 years ago.

Let's GTFO of here.

Facebook is really dumb, as is most, almost all, of The Internet.

"I don't have to share my life" - Mom

"all the local animals are living and dying there" - Mom

I'm sorry, but I want to spend the rest of the day with only Andee and 2 bottles of red wine.

Leonard Cohen grass-fed supreme bicycle hairy sponge culture knife.

Blue cyanide arsenic rainy apples.

Force sewage peptic whereabouts orange tide offshore sciatic barging effigy effluvia counselor.

Oh shit. That's not what I meant. Go back. Start over. - It's 5 o'clock some-here.

Sexy dix. Thiiiiiissepisode of Comedy.

The Word's Most Titular Bean Bags

no 'L'

Heavy Sax of Leftover Loaves of Butt

I feed your Motions, Grows Bodies, Must Musk Music.

I'm running from the summer days that haunt my memory.

I'm killing all the pain I feel inside my desperate dream.

I crap a little loaf of bread onto the sticky floor.

I saw a big brown bottle hide behind a door.

Crying Wine Homely Disease Careful Dedicated Worry Bone BNGJFIOEKMBNHVL GL IUBHHFDL

CCopeigng

Voooe

APQE


MV VOW

Non Random


Jo

NOperson

JIASw Wasstte dfd erfbe ergfdf

Feel deer feces, gather real evidence, equal breaths form requisite energy-factors. Dreaming fathers describe external tribal tethers seemingly simple, Always Words.

We save a mother Infinitely Just.

This is a course to catalog and to compare the rough and changing surfaces of an indeterminate number of spherical bodies.

One-leafed trees.

The New Ph-art of the Kart Snake

From the only temporary junction of Grirl Gee and I, at the forested Starting line reminiscent of helium-based red-faced husky dog-boys dressed in blue demin and green drape taco pleasantries.

Then the 2nd time, Amy, Lee, Chandler, and Cardgame, and I left the Yoda hut and sculpted a junta at the junction of Highway 4 and Grirl Gee's house, all paint and busted nuts and Yancy Collers, on the Borders or 14 black artists with whiteknuckles and baby booming humongous alphabetized diaper rim button up forlorn Monkey Savage rude bellied Domineering Phlato Heart Badger Peesneekle Brain Piano Deft Lilly Harmonious Money Flue Biter, at 7:35 pm with her mother and her son, she ate our timid potato rash, and clean toilet for Growing health insistance, She showed Aaron and I her grandmother's hook/and needle work, and we all held our clothes and car door handles, and 35 degree Fahrenheit breezes for our breathing, wet noses/eyes/and lips of human teeter wonder about little eternal souls if you care. And you do.

This Is One Result of These Past 7 to 8 Years of Whatever I've Been Doing

- I regret this post a lot. Aaron and Andee read it and were disgusted. I wrote it over a year ago, and I revised it less than a year ago for some dumb reason, or for no reason I think. I did not reason, like most of my life. I should delete it. But I will leave it for now... I am being so dumb. I am still wasting 99% of my time. OK, I am stopping now. geezus kryste  - March 20, 2018 -

" Be cool: I am not supposed to tell you this. I feel bad about it ... kiNdA! { ; smeeerk* "

- I was a really annoying, terrible person writing this, I have to hate this about myself.

-

So, I went to Julie's House, on Sage Road, Bastrop County -
you know - My feet, my wheels, my hand, et cexterra.
Her name is Julie M. W.
It dozent matter. I write neatly....
enough. So, we stand near the front door
about ten feet apart. She says, Hi, greggy.
I say, " --- Nothing.
We stare at each other's eyes blankly, content.
I Why and Without.
She stands up straight, holds her arms a few inches out to her sides, spins slowly, and closes her eyes.

we are A steady stream . .

one minute.
her skin and her clothes are.
I say, Thanks. I walk back home calmly.
She absorbs
and her every cell is half.

Then she leaves home and walks the streets
touching every woman she sees.
If she lays even a fingertip on any part of their bodies,
they become pregnant with an XXY baby,
23 from Julie and 23 from me.

I lie in bed at my mom's house
thinking this over and through.
...
So, I call Mr. president and say, Abort.
He makes every human 18 years old instantly.
Each new human starts at 18.
Every human is now self-sufficient forever.

We build cradles for no one and subsist on squirrels and kelp.

I'm Never Gonna Watch YouTube

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live as other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not think about anything else.

I really wanna watch YouTube and live through other people.

I really wanna watch YouTube and not have to think anymore.

I really wanna watch YouTube, and I want to live as better people.

I want to live through better people than myself.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People playing games and talking to each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People in cars going to see each other.

I really wanna watch YouTube: People saying jokes and laughing hard.

I really wanna watch YouTube: Good-looking people with hair and faces and eating things and doing stuff and saying things. And laughing and doing things with people. And going to places with their lives and doing lots of stuff. And thinking and talking and feeling different things. And doing stuff and feeling and being alive. And doing stuff and recording it all on cameras and uploading it to the website YouTube.

I really wanna watch YouTube, so I don't have to be a human.

And I don't want to think about things that I will never do or try.

I don't wanna think about how much I have failed and how much I'll never be able to accomplish because I just wasted a bunch of time and resources on feeling like I'm so interesting because I think that nothing is real or nothing is of consequence to me because I'm just gonna die. And who cares if anyone remembers and why does anything exist? And is there a God, and why am I thinking all these things? And why am I thinking these things and what should I actually do? And does it matter if I do anything or what I think? And do I really wanna care or do anything or think anything?

Uhh.

Welcome to the land where we farm the corn. Eveyone's lookin' at the sun, cuz we just woke up from a daydream, and we'll think about eating other things and the genitalia of our best friends.

Wanna go to sleep at 9 o' clock in the evening and look at the star, cuz your eye gets wet. Look at her eye, cuz she's your best friend and your only daughter, and you want to chop her head off and donate it to the universe, so she'll glow like a star forever and ever until she blows up and blows stardust all over the universe, and then the universe dies, and there's nothing but time, and time goes on forever, but behind and beyond time, there's an eternal awakening of the spirit of existence itself. Reality meshes with the squids and the worms and the bugs up in my fingernail beds.

Now we're feelin' good, cuz we drank a bottle of whiskey, and we're singin' and dancin' on the porch, cuz it's Friday night.

We're eating steaks. Colorado is the best place to be, when you're just like me.

I'm never going to watch YouTube, cuz I make myself a better looking dude, who thinks that he likes to be like people are today, when they do things that they can proudly say that they have done.

And a guy I know brought a gift for me, and I used part of it and gave part of it to someone who I see often enough.

And then I stopped this recording, and I drank a bunch of black and green tea, and I sat down, and I read about a thousand pages of a book that made me think, and then I thought,

'Hm, I'm gonna go get some money and donate it to the people who eat the goats for breakfast.'

The End

A Diary Entry Blog Post

It's December 20, 2016.

It's very early.

I woke about 3:30 am.

I'm listening to "Sleeping Lessons" Spotify radio.

I feel pretty good.

I'm kind of tense.

I wonder if spelling and grammar are equally important.

I wonder if I'll ever read another person again.

I wonder if I'll ever shower again.

I wonder what I'll do today.

I wonder what exactly I should do.

I don't feel stupid listening to Arcade Fire.

I love them.

I want to read Crime and Punishment.

I feel bad for disappointing Aaron by not reading the books I began.

God is very confusing to me.

Free will and temptation are too.

I want to eat breakfast with Mom today.

We will both drink black coffee... from K-cups.

I yawned and slid my water.

The metal and wood made a sound.

Excuse me.

66.6%! (: im drunk

Condiments such as iceberg lettuce and freedom of speech.

I did not do what I thought I'd do.

I want to sleep for two hours starting now.

I think I slept between 5 and 6 hours last night.

I have paced a lot today.

It's - It was about 3:30 pm I think, then I got distracted,

and now it's about 4:20.

I decided I do not want to sleep until tonight.

I listened to music for a while.

I have read a tiny bit.

I dug up an ant hill.

I washed dishes.

I drank white russians and used up the Kahlua.

Aaron called, and he invited me to shop with him tomorrow.

It'll be good to get away.


I ask again, why does this hurt so much?

I was just lying in bed trying to relax and tears came out of my eyes.

I was scrolling thru facebook a bit ago.

It seems everything is wrong and everyone is wrong.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know why it's so hard to read and eat vegetables.

It feels like I have put myself in a situation

where being awake is unbearable.

We ate pepperoni rolls.

It's not really hard to do what I know I should do.

I don't know what stops me or why I stop myself and just kill time

and do dumb stuff instead.

Some things are easier.

I want to do what is easiest.

But then I think I am worthless and I hate myself and I do not want to live,

then that becomes the most difficult thing I ever deal with.

I keep thinking, eventually everything will die, all matter will freeze.

Why try to keep anything going or try to change anything?

I have no idea what I will be after I die.

I do not know if I will die.

I think I basically know nothing.

Why do I care if life or eternity is full of pain or joy?

What is "good"? What is "bad"?

What is "something"? What is "nothing"?

I drank alcohol.

I ate bread and cheese.

I listened to some words from Aaron's body?

I made some sounds; he understood words.

We drove on a busy road.

We saw children.

We saw shapes and colors.

We felt blood in our skin and muscles.

We felt the rumbling car and wind.

We felt heat and cold.

I felt like I might vomit.

I thought of semen and female tongues and lips.

I thought of American zoos and 30 Rock and boobs.

I thought of starving black babies.

I thought of open wounds and blood and pus

and maggots and worms and decay.

Tears roll down my cheeks again.

I hear punk guitars.

I hear snare and bass drum and cymbal.

I think of fresh green cabbage.

I think of rain.

I need to shit.

I am in a wooden building, one floor, big windows on all four walls. Sheriff Harry Truman runs up and enters. He is being chased by many large scary animals. He says they won't get in. They immediately break thru the glass and pour inside. I am terrified. I climb something to get away. A vicious tiger swipes at me.

Church Marquee:

Our Heart is the Flower that will always be blooming by the ever-burning Light...

Prepare to Forgive

Rape Raped Raping Raper Rapist Rapey Rapier Rapiest

Hat Pod Hat Jimmy Hat Ghoul Hat Cool Hat Bum Hat Sick Hat Blood Hat Cat Hat Burn Hat Bomb Hat Cull Hat Wish Cap Lead Cap Balls Cap Weed Cap Whip Cap Sweeet Cat Wheat Cap Long Cap

Quell. Quash. I am. Surprisingly literati.

Original Document

Transform the future we all share.
Save the children.
Is digging a world into a wall with the paint of 500 miles and 30 miles of ocean too much work for 5 years of 2 hands and 2 feet and 2 eyes and 200 pizzas and 500 glasses of wine for 2 women who are full sisters and 3 children --> 30,998 shits?... I drew Map, Girl 17 made a star my eye dance paper ink letters... 3 moon, 1 starlight.
The end, the other 5 Beatles made my eye leak dick water. On TV, the Asian decorator made children eat Christmas. 'Twas very fun. Fireplace 9 made person perfect Inferno Ties Lie.

Baaaaaaad Gang of Kids

Is it a shame if we can't decide
How much we love each other...
Tonight?


Let's join a bad gang of kids
Doin' bad shit to other kids.
Doin' pull ups at the gym.
Hittin' baseballs over the fence.
Throwin' footballs over the bridge.


Teachin' bad people how to live.


Let's join a baaaaaaad gang of kids.

More Meaning

When I urinate in front of my
childhood home, staring up
at the trees and the cloudy black night,
I wish there was more meaning
in every detail of my life,
like in Delicacy starring
Audrey Tautou.

I read a page of Crime and Punishment,
translated into English by Jessie Coulson,
then the pale purple of my
bedroom walls
really does look really purple
to me now.

Bye,

Love Greg.

November 32nd 2,016

Connie Chung looks at me in
my human TV screen.
She says, "Taxes are for
the rich; poor people
are for the poor.
Nobody knows what
they're saying anymore."

The year is two thousand seventeen,
and 17 year olds are too lucky
to be a live these days.
Nothing matters more
than what anybody says.

Her kind doll face,
a fake ficus, daybreak
news anchors, Paradise buffet,
Philidelphia, Artificial environment,
12,000 dollar cameras,
downtown Austin TV studio.

Pinapple and a bagel.
Wispy grey sky.
Precious fragile mind.
People full of fluffy
jellybeans, infinity
frivilous rainbows.